Huh, it’s been almost three months since Japan has been enjoying Monster Hunter 4, the latest installment in Capcom’s slow-sword-swinging simulator. While the rest of the world waits for Nintendo to once again throw a few bucks their way to cover localisation costs, (which they’ll instead spend on a mobile port for the Nokia 3310) what’s a good way to pass the time? Why, masturbation of course.
And guys, wow. Guys. Come on. Whoa. Why not do so with a blob of purple rubber over your dick that’s supposed to resemble a tentacle? That’s perfect, it’s the best possible decision for any situation. This is the design idea behind Hunter Girl, the strangest parody onahole I’ve encountered (so far).
See, when onaholes unofficially based on video game and anime franchises exist, they usually tend to resemble a vagina, or arse. Sometimes both. Holes that perhaps belong to the character on the box. Then, hey, you pretend you’re fucking your waifu as a tear of solitary sadness escapes the corner of your eye and/or urethra. It’s all good. Heck, the very first onahole I purchased was Yui, of K-On! fame. Yes, indeed. Good ‘ol Yui and her world-famous big black vagina.
Hunter Girl though, nope. You’re gonna need an extra layer of sexual imagination. Here you can pretend you’re a tentacle monster, having your way with Kirin – one of the female characters from Monster Hunter. Or anything, I guess. Lagiacrus? One of those noisy dancing cats? A rock? Sure, why not. The box could just be a serving suggestion.
So with endless possibilities now firmly within grasp, just how is Hunter Girl 1st? It certainly doesn’t give off much of a ‘hey, this is a good place to put your penis’ vibe. But just like a kebab, it’s what’s on the inside that counts.
‘Recall instinct in a girl’ the box proclaims. Well, thank you. I’ll try. So, pretty basic stuff. There’s the onahole itself and a complimentary packet of lube, wow!
It’s a perfect fit for the 3DS. Set aside a portion of that much-needed imagination and holy cow, we got some Monster Hunter 4 goin’ on.
Okay, Hunter Girl 1st. While designed to be a longer lasting, multiple use onahole, this is still on the budget side of things (about $15), and it kinda shows. The material is extremely stretchy, so there’s less risk of accidently punching right through the top, but it just feels way too… floppy? It’s almost like smooshin’ around a blob of jelly.
While that makes sense with the whole tentacle thing they’re going for, the onahole puts up very little resistance (curr…), and doesn’t have much feedback. I mean, the inner design is fairly standard with a heap of bumps, but it’s difficult to feel any of them.
How very erotic. The best thing about this onahole is the entry point, which has a bit of sandworm-ish look to it. (This part feels rather pleasant as it works the base of your shaft, by the way).
Right out of the box, it also caused the camera lens to fog up; just like the scene in Titanic where Leonardo and Raphael get into that sports car and make it all foggy. A sexy invitation for Turok to come join them – but he never did. Such a tragic documentary.
Cleaning Hunter Girl 1st is super easy. Its single-layer design and stretchy, clown-grade material means you can just flip it inside out and do some sick kick flips. Ollie that sucker. Ten. Eighty.
There’s also a Hunter Girl 2nd, which is red, and features a different design for its tunnel of love. If I had another $15 to piss away, I’d probably give it a go. Maybe that can be something to look forward to.
There’s really nothing too decent about this one though; it feels cheap and isn’t very pleasurable. Worse still, it has a strong smell of rubber which is a bit gross when you’re trying to get into the zone of being a tentacle monster.
It’s probably like getting a handjob from Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm-Flailing Tubeman. Amusing and a good conversation starter, but weak… and underwhelming.
Final score: Nope/10