If the world of prestigious and realistic hentai has taught me anything about milfs, it’s that they have two common features. Really big tits, and even bigger dicks. Always. Gigantic. They could flatten cars. If someone put together a doujin about an outlaw milf gang running shop at a scrapyard, that’d pretty much be the hottest thing ever.
The Dirty Housemother was a bit of a mystery purchase, as the site I get these things from usually has a handy list of dimensions, a few shots of the onahole in the flesh (so to speak) and an Engrish description. Not here, not for the mother of a house. A house which is apparently without a shower. But hey, it was lightweight enough not to further bump up my last order’s shipping cost. That and the single promotional image looked kind of intriguing in all its pink glory.
Oh, no. Miss, I think your penis is badly infected. The packaging for this is pretty classy though. Dirty Housemother, hero to all, is only just barely teasing her nipples. As if to say “Oops, hello handsome friend, let us go watch Caddyshack together.” You can almost hear her whisper it into your left nostril. Feel the breeze rustle your nose hair. Suddenly, an image of Rodney Dangerfield flashes before your eyes. Hands-free ejaculation.
One day I’ll hopefully stumble upon an onahole which comes with something more than just lube as its added bonus (if only for variety), but oh well. Here we go! The little bottle doesn’t even have a label – it could be gum syrup for all I know – but it’s actually really good compared to the usual thick gloopy stuff these come packaged with.
As for the onahole itself, well…
Right from the get-go it’s a bloody disaster. This thing feels absolutely disgusting to hold. Even going by this photo, you can sorta see how cheap and nasty the material is. It’s so sticky and flimsy. Yuck.
To make matters worse it has a heavy smell of burning rubber. Eeeeuuugh. Can’t say that really gets me in the mood, unless it’s an onahole based on like, Initial D. Oh man, they could even model it on the car’s exhaust pipe. But then maybe the scrapyard milf gang would crush it halfway through. The risks are high. Killing my love.
However, it was the internal design on the promo image that caught my attention.
And sure enough, having a peek inside on the actual product, it seems a bit promising.
It’s really not though. How unfortunate! The Dirty Housemother not only suffers from a gross exterior; its next major problem is that it’s way too small. I tend to take gentle strokes with onaholes the first time around, but my dick was bulging through the end of this thing so much. That’s pretty crucial information that I’m sure you needed to know.
Some of the stretch damage it suffered at first. Also cat hair. Sorry, Dirty Housemother. Thanks, Rodney Dangerfield.
Combined with the awful clown-grade rubber which squishes between your fingers as you grip, I couldn’t really feel anything from the internal structure. Likely because it’s actually not too interesting in there after all. That, and most of your penis will be too busy trying to break free.
So here it is flipped inside out, revealing the mystery of the vagina to all who gaze upon its true-to-life beauty. Oh.
Well, it’d make for an interesting oven mitt if nothing else. Break it out when you’ve got friends and family over. “That’s a nice glove” they’d say. “Haha, no” you’d respond, a smirk on your face, pants completely missing.
A few days later I tried The Dirty Housemother again, and oh dear.
She gained a new hole.
Whaaaat a heap of shit. You’d probably be better off grabbing a fistful of coins and smooshing them all over your dick than spending money on this. Probably.
Final score: Ultra Nope Extreme/10