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With literally “dunno, probably a few” new products hitting the shelves each week, I imagine the onahole industry would be a tough one to penetrate for a shy, inexperienced company. According to a recent report by the league of leading scientists, Japan’s rubber hole output may eventually outnumber the planet’s potential input. It’s something to really think about and discuss with everyone. All the time.
There’s already an overwhelming amount of variety, and in this digital age where even potentially devastating farts can be downloaded, onaholes still very much rely on their box art to sell. It’s important to have some sort of emotional 2D connection to your new waifu, which is why the anime parody toys are rushed to market as soon as possible.
So the release of Kiterukiteru’s Pop Life! is pretty impressive, especially as it’s just the third onahole they’ve made, and it’s a collection at that. The next hit Pog sensation. Featuring original character designs by Yosai Kuchu (Queen’s Blade, ef: A Tale of Memories, ten billion eroge games), voice actors and even promotional videos… it’s almost something you could be proud to display in your window. Face pressed against the glass, nostrils flared at everyone who walks by.
Three different idols to choose from, huh! Well, the one with a gun was tempting, but in the end Yukari Hozumi (‘volume 2’) won me over for her striking similarity to Ritsuko from iDOLM@STER and K-On!’s Nodoka. Also most importantly, because pantyhose.
Opening up the box, you’ll find a few smaller boxes. It is truly a delight for fans of cardboard. Pop Life! is much more than just an onahole, you see. As far as I can tell, only the initial print run comes with a bunch of extra stuff.
It’s just like buying a day-one edition of some AAA video game and finding out it comes with a bonus jar of mayonnaise. You’ll wanna put that shit on eBay in ten years time, son.
The insert on the right was just in there to keep everything else in place. Or was it? Wah. Up until now the most interesting addition I’ve gotten with an onahole is a download link printed on some paper for a .zip file full of hentai.
Yukari Hozumi herself has written and signed a message of love. You guys. Seriously. This is from the girl on the box, okay. She’s real. This proves it. I didn’t know what the hell to expect from this bit initially, as the Engrish description from NLS referred to it as ’20 different mini-colored paper’ in one sentence, then ‘DVD and video was such as pants’ during another. I was… honestly hoping for pants.
But uh, I still don’t really know. A plaque, maybe? It feels like a drink coaster. You’re probably just supposed to prop it up and stare lovingly at those magic glasses which have no hope of staying on her face.
Aaaand here’s where the voice actors come into play. Kiterukiteru have included ‘voice kits’ complete with six different gasps, moans and slurping noises to play around with. Battery included! Well aware of how embarrassing this could be, it features a volume slider and headphone jack. YOU CAN EVEN PUT YOUR KEYS ON IT.
“What’s that noise?” Santa would ask as he breaks into your home. “I don’t know what you’re talking about old man” you reply with a smirk of satisfaction, jangling your keys to drown out the previous hints of arousing activity. “All this jingling is getting me rock hard” Santa whispers, directly into your ear.
I love the idea behind this, but eehhh. I think the samples should have been much longer. Here’s a thing!
But what’s the actual onahole like? Well this one is blue, and that’s pretty cool. They’re all different, I think. You can’t have three different idols sharing the same vagina – that’d be strange. The internal design on Yukari doesn’t seem to match up with promo shots of Namiki (volume 1) or Stella (volume 3).
First up, it’s small. Smaller than most onaholes I’ve experienced (outside of the clown-grade variety of ‘less expensive and sexy than a cheeseburger’). Pop Life! is not going to fully engulf the average penis, but effort has been put into working what it’ll cover.
The entrance is also about as unexciting as possible. Expands with ease, but looks like a dessert. Who even wants to fuck a chocolate coronet? Everybody. More care seems to have gone into embossing a little love heart on the side.
Pop Life! has a really nice and solid feel to it though (Tonka Truck tough) and doesn’t get all sticky after being washed. Some onaholes do that, and it’s gross, because they basically become a hairball Katamari. Nope, not here. This’ll last you a while.
Again, I’m not sure if the three Pop Life! designs are actually all the same or not, but the Yukari model has some super nice stringy parts after the halfway point. Erm, essentially bits that catch on your dick and provide intense rubbing stimulation™ as you fight through them. Oh man. Oh man.
This photo took more effort than it was worth. I can barely get this camera to focus on the outside of onaholes, let alone inside! Other than that, the thick ribs do a great job. Just… you know, the base of your shaft will probably get a bit lonely.
Oh, it’s also crazy loud. Be prepared for awkward squelching noises no matter how you’re going at it. Even the slightest movement was like the contents of my ‘Battletoads’ bookmark folder. But that’s okay, remember – you have that keychain!
I can say I’m genuinely interested in what Kiterukiteru have planned next, but the novelty items included with Pop Life! aren’t quite as entertaining as I was hoping. The onahole itself – while not taking centre stage – is good. There’s some unique pleasure to be had!
Right now it’s unfortunately just way, waaaay too expensive to recommend. The actual Japanese RRP is reasonable (about $25), but import retailers are bumping the price up by almost double. Pop Life! alone blew out my monthly budget for the website/girlfriend.
At least I have something to put my drink on now.
Final score: Legs/10