So there’s this ‘Ghetto Doll Brothel’ video that’s been floating around the internet since basically forever. Long before dinosaurs even figured out how to clone an island full of jocular John Hammond’s in the year 30XX as a tourist attraction known as John Park. Now, while the idea of paying to screw a doll with some janky-ass VHS porn playing in the background doesn’t surprise me in the slightest, this got me thinking. Why not remove the doll aspect and just have the onaholes?
Really, hang on. You enter the fine establishment, and bam, here’s a catalogue of onaholes to choose from. At the bottom right hand corner there’s a ‘mystery glory hole’ option at a super discount price. Who knows what you’ll find on the other side? Could be a jam sandwich. It’d be great.
There’d also be all these different themes – covering a range of glorious 2D fetishes – to the rooms. One of them’s just a ball pit you fall into. If you manage to get off in there without losing your onahole you win a free print-out of Gendo Ikari, smirking, from Evangelion. High praise.
Speaking of which, I bought a new cheapo disposable hole ($4 this time) to try. What a fantastic idea!
Aaaand it already seems about a zillion times more promising than the last single-use disaster I tried. This is the Octopus Girl Tako-musume by N.G.P., knocking off the manga/anime series Squid Girl (Shinryaku! Ika Musume) and looking cute as fuck in the process.
They even nailed the logo design.
But wait, Squid Girl came out bloody ages ago! Yeah, N.G.P. first threw this onahole onto the market back in 2010 to tie-in with the anime’s first season. Four years later, they’re still making it. Or maybe retailers are just sitting on a pile of gross old stock. Either way, that’s kind of impressive.
Let’s rip this baby open!
Yes. Going well. Excellent.
Oh wait. What? Turns out there’s a download link provided for a .zip file. I naturally assumed it’d be filled with Alex Kidd in Miracle World hentai, but no! You get some absolutely adorable wallpaper of Octopus Girl Tako-musume for your PC or (2010-era) mobile phones. I’ve uploaded it here.
Hello foam, we meet again. But thankfully, unlike Boku Ona, there’s more to it than just that. It’s a hard plastic cup instead of a cardboard box for a start…
Lift off the top circle of foam and whoa, there’s an actual rubber hole wedged in there. It’s already filled with lubricant and everything (that bit of foam was soaking in it, probably to help keep the entrance especially wet). Such convenience for on-the-go-masturbation. 7/11 would make a killing if they stocked these.
It was a bit intimidating though.
Not because the opening has a bit of Sarlacc to it, but I thought for sure I was going to be in for a major struggle getting my dick in there. At first glance, Octopus Girl Tako-musume can’t allow for much girth, right? A tiny rubber blob with foam packing it in tightly? Eeeeeehhhh. I was tempted to take it apart and have a closer look before diving in, but nope, too late. Penis.
Goodness. Okay, so there are actually two types of Octopus Girl Tako-musume. I picked the unfortunately titled ‘warty’ type, which probably explains why the entrance looks like that. There’s also a ‘ribbed’ one, but that didn’t sound anywhere near as interesting.
As expected, the initial push was a squeeze. But once you’re in there, Octopus Girl Tako-musume is quite welcoming in its ability to stretch out. Despite that, this is still incredibly tight (without being painful) and doesn’t mess around with stimulation. The internal structure felt like a gauntlet of tiny fists punching my shaft in confused anger. “Get out of here, ya dick”.
It also felt extremely… slimey in there. Different to that regular slippery lube-like feel. Not sure if this is intentional to help with the whole unda da sea fantasy or an unfortunate result of the onahole being pre-lubed for potentially months in advance. I liked it though, and my penis hasn’t fallen off yet. So that’s okay.
The aggressive design makes sense for something made to get you off in a hurry and thrown down the toilet at a fancy restaurant – where it has absolutely no hope of flushing – so you just cover it with toilet paper and leave. Being contained within a hard plastic case, you can grip this onahole with Hulk-like strength if you want. Obviously the foam also does its job guarding your crotch from getting all smashed up.
Having thoroughly enjoyed my four-dollar romp with a sea creature of the night, I took the onahole apart and washed it out. Could… could I cheat the system and use Octopus Girl Tako-musume again?
Well, there was a heap of stretch-mark damage all over it, but sure why not. Could probably even save the plastic cup and gift it to someone as a drink bottle? The possibilites are basically endless. Please look forward to my hot money-saving tips on Better Homes and Gardens.
Ah, this is what it looks like flipped inside out.
It looks like a laptop.
Final score: This would be at the top of the list for that prestigious onahole brothel.