Gucho Nure Monster G – No multiplayer required

Product: Gucho Nure Monster G
Manufacturer: Magic Eyes
Retailers: J-List / NLS / Amazon.jp
Artwork: じ～だぶ

I suppose now’s as good a time as any to check out another onahole parody of Monster Hunter, what with Capcom showing off Monster Hunter 4 Ultimate’s box art the other day. It looked a bit bland, but that was easily fixed with a few gruelling minutes in MS Paint.

Plus, hey, Magic Eyes’ Gucho Nure Monster G was next on my imaginary masturbation review list anyway.

Magic Eyes, you guys. Magic Eyes! The blog might as well be called Infernal Monkey Magic Eyes at this point. Pigsy would so be the banner mascot. I’ve had nothing but fantastic lonely-night experiences with toys made by this company, so why not dive into their back catalogue a bit.

The price point likely just dropped over time as newer products grabbed the spotlight, but Gucho Nure Monster G is definitely a fair chunk cheaper than Magic Eyes’ other onaholes. Despite that, it actually includes a proper bottle of lube! Pretty nice consistency, too. My word.

If anything, it sure beats the single-use packet of ‘creepy girl holding mysterious dripping meat’ they throw in nowadays.

Aaaaaaalllright! First up, that packaging is pretty great. I like the art. I’d masturbate to it for the articles. Once again Amazon.jp inexplicably has the image available in high resolution. That version’s missing the important underwear text though.

I dunno. If I wanted to pretend I was fucking a monster pussy I’d probably just swirl my dick around in a drain pipe. Actually, Magic Eyes was sort of running with a range of ‘monster’ onaholes long before this and the Gucho Nure Monster ~ Hunt, which launched alongside it. They were essentially going for er, slightly grotesque external designs. Aliens, monsters, whatever. Stick ‘ya dick in it.

Gucho Nure Monster G is no different. It’s the first thing you’ll notice. Shit’s all bumpy and veiny and… man, it just reminds me of some of the cocks I’ve seen on e621.

It actually feels fantastic; the unusual texture will always keep your grip guessing. It’s a fairly decent length and there’s no oily or ‘burning’ smell to the rubber at all. Always nice.

Gucho Nure Monster G certainly seems a bit weaker with its build quality compared to Magic Eyes’ more expensive stuff – and that’s basically a given – but it’s survived some extensive hands-on testing so far. That said, I’m still being somewhat careful. “I hate money!” He screamed, bursting open his brand new $30 onahole whilst downing a carton of chocolate milk. “Time to write a review!” ‘Milk was okay, would drink again’ *Clicks publish to WordPress button*.

Promotional images for this onahole would have you believe the internal structure is like some kind of super twisted fun house. That’s not quite the case, but I like what they’ve attempted in place of their impractical mock up.

Seriously, what.

However there is an interesting spiral-like effect going on right as you enter. It’s kind of cool! The most extreme twisty point before returning to a standard tunnel of love creates an immensely tight hole about a third of the way in.

So basically, not long after sliding in there, Gucho Nure Monster G clamps on with the force of a hundred Stay Puft Marshmallow Men and makes you put in the effort to keep going. And by effort, I mean the bare minimum motion of pulling the onahole down a bit.

Once your head’s popped through the AT Field, your shaft begins to rub against a series of bumps, followed by ridges that snake down to the end. I think all of this could have been a bit stronger, really. I know the bumps are there but they don’t offer enough stimulation. Perhaps the grabby-hands spiral design is stealing the show too much, crushing everything together to the point where most individual areas become moot.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s still a pleasant experience – maturbation typically is – but the internal design doesn’t really live up to what I expected. The very end zone is also a bit off. It’s too tight to trap air for any sort of suction effect. Nothin’ special there. And it’s angled up, which just ends up pushing your dick out the side of the onahole. Good thing the material is super stretchy!

One thing I discovered in my travels, Gucho Nure Monster G absoluuuutely works better if you take it slow. Rapid thrusting just ends up completely numbing anything the onahole’s got going for it. There might also be the temptation to just slop more lube into it to smash past that spiral, but nah. It’s never a good idea to drown a toy in lube. Might as well hump a tub of yogurt.

And in wonderful Magic Eyes tradition, there’s another family-friendly newspaper comic on the box.

Overall, I appreciate what the designers were trying to go for, but it’s not quite there. Gucho Nure Monster G certainly does the job though (you’d sure hope so), and it’s a nice option within that mid-tier price range.

Although honestly, I’d probably recommend just saving up an extra $10 or $20 and grabbing one of Magic Eyes’ newer onaholes, like Sujiman Kupa Rinka, Passionate Gimmick or the fucking incredible La Bocca Della Verita.

Final score: As a wise man once said, “In life there are hunters, and then, there’s monster hunters“. Wait, that isn’t even a final sco-