Trick Girl – Fooled again

Product: Trick Girl
Manufacturer: Ride Japan
Retailers: J-List / NLS / Kanojo
Artwork: 酔月@酔月工房

Trick…. trick. How’s this for productivity? Maybe half an hour or so just passed by as I stared at an empty WordPress page thinking of a clever way to force some “It was me, Dio” JoJo’s joke into the review before it had even begun. Too bad.

At first glance everything about Ride Japan’s Trick Girl made my crotch impressed. It was in like an ‘oh my’ kind of way – as if I was wearing a monocle down there and stirring a cup of tea, hands-free. There’s a catgirl on the box attempting to eat her micro bikini, a weird image on the top left which implies the onahole might be trying to replicate a vagina or a paw, and some weight-boasting goodness.

426g! Why, that’s almost half a kilo. Stack a hundred or so of these babies together and you’ve got yourself a real-life nightmare. Yes indeed, Trick Girl is easily the biggest handheld toy I’ve tried so far.

Despite that, the box is still the size of some two-bedroom apartment in the city. A stick of Ride Japan’s patented ‘Virgin lotion’ is also included, implying that virgins excrete thick globs of goo from every orifice which is then shoveled into recycled sauce packets and sold off as sex toy lubricant. How offensive. We all know everyone does that.

Trick Girl measures in at 165mm x 75mm officially (so, about six and a half inches long) and it’s incredibly thick which explains the sheer weight. Promo images would have you believe the onahole is a gift from the God of floating-fap-hands.

Thing is, the material they’ve gone with feels kinda… shit. ‘Unpleasant’ is perhaps the word I should have used there, but now I’m too far into this sentence to go back. Very elastic in a cheap kind of way, sticky and it has that faint smell of burning rubber to it. Not off to a great start considering the last Ride Japan onahole I reviewed managed to avoid that problem at a third of the price.

To help combat the stickiness, Ride Japan’s applied a layer of what they call ‘Body Dressing’ to most of the exterior. This gives the onahole a rougher texture to hold onto, but it’s like slapping a crusty band-aid on top of one that was fished out of the toilet.

Hey whatever, maybe there’s lots of fun to be had inside! [Aries dies] No. [/Aries dies]

The entrance is more interesting and mysterious than anything else, really. What are all those bumps doing there? Are they meant to resemble catgirl pubic stubble or something? I suppose you could rub up against them before poppin’ it in.

Three protruding chunks of rubber immediately greet you at the opening, which might have been cool if the overall build quality wasn’t flimsy clown-grade mush which puts up absolutely no resistance. I’d cross my arms in a huff at this point but then it’d be hard to type.

Going further in… Trick Girl pretty much has absolutely nothing going on. Seriously, the first half of its internal structure is just a blank canvas with like one notch. Cool trick.

Eventually you’ll hit a brief ribbed section, but they don’t jut out nearly enough to give any proper sensation. Meanwhile the squishy onahole’s practically absorbing your hand at this point with each thrust. Then there’s a vacuum chamber right at the end and… eugh, stuff it. Wasn’t digging this at all.

I didn’t even want to revisit it for another chance (but I did, a few times, for the sake of professional masturbation journalism). Still rubbish. What a crazy disappointment.

This onahole’s also a nightmare to clean – inside and out, it’ll want to merge with everything forever – which just added to the frustration. You know right after orgasm there’s that overwhelming sense of pure bliss, like a thousand relaxing holidays crammed into a few seconds? Not here. Not with fuckin’ Trick Girl. There’s just instant regret knowing how difficult it’ll be to get your sperm back out.

That was going to be the entire review initially, but… where were the TRICKS, Ride Japan? I naturally associate that with magic, so I ventured into town to see what sort of magic tricks Trick Girl could perform. Riiiight into a two-dollar junk shop.

Things weren’t looking too promising, with just some magic age cards, random deadly creatures and a dead baby. But then I found it. The magic!

Yep, the Magic Coloured Growing™. A toy dolphin that increases in size when it soaks up water. But for some real 100% legit pure uncut magic, we’re going to use Trick Girl’s supplied packet of lube instead.

Those last two shots are all over the place for photo-related purposes (ie; magic). I carefully placed the onahole upright in a garbage bin and waited. Aaaaand waaaaited. The package suggests leaving it for at least 24 hours, and up to 96 (!) to grow full size.

I needed my bin back eventually, so I left it in there for two days. This is uh…

Yeah, you tricked me real good, bikini-consuming catgirl.