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As John Goodman so famously questioned in 1995’s family-friendly comedy sensation SE7EN, “what’s in the box?” Nobody knew. Not even the film’s production crew who were responsible for putting the box together in the first place . It was – quite simply – the biggest mystery since the temporary gun-related death of Mr. Burns. Until now.
Dedicating years of their craft to finding an answer, the team at Magic Eyes have finally figured it out. So indeed, what was in the box? What drove teen heart-throb Goodman to absolute despair?
Oh dear, it was what everyone suspected all along. The dreaded eighth sin – Waluigi. Though thankfully (?) most will ship with an onahole packed in there instead. One that doesn’t look like Waluigi at least.
This is Girl in the Box: Hard Edition by Magic Eyes, complete with their usual high standard of packaging… and low standard of bonus lube. Pretty sure I lost the little packet of it right after taking these photos, which is somewhat worrying. Might roll over in bed and wake up stickier than usual the next morning.
While I’ve never tried the original version of Girl in the Box, I’m going to assume it was way too floppy (to the max), hence this reworked version using sturdier material. Personally I prefer my onaholes doubling as bricks, so everything about this seemed right for me and my concrete fetish.
Because yeah, at a whopping 600g, Girl in the Box: Hard Edition is a beast. Holding it for the first time, there was an immediate sense of safety. Like let’s say Earth accidently veers off into the Sun tomorrow. Should I be mid-fuck with this onahole, I’d at least know my penis would survive.
Once you flip it over though, the design gets a bit weird.
I mean, I can see what they were going for. The girl’s arms are bound behind her back, but I dunno. The shoulder blades are really… off, and the arms stick out juuuust enough to feel clumsy when you’re trying to grip on.
That and it has the whole roast chicken thing going on when placed on a flat surface. But hey, props to Magic Eyes for trying something tender and delicious.
Honestly, it’s a fairly minor quirk in the grand scheme of masturbation things. The onahole is chunky enough that I’m sure you’ll find a comfortable sweet spot. So onwards/inwards we go.
Alright, getting into Girl in the Box: Hard Edition is probably the trickiest part. Make sure there’s a decent drop of lube smeared around the entrance, as it’s rather small and by far the tightest section. There’s a nice feeling of achievement popping in here each and every time; probably on par with other life goals. Who knows.
As far as the internal design goes, Magic Eyes have kept this real simple. The tunnel feels very spongy, and without any major impact points or gimmicks. It’s just a steady run of ribbing and random nubs. Instead, the appeal here is its sheer sense of weight and tightness. There’s a lot of padding here, and it’ll always fight against you.
(Sorry, this was the best/only internal shot I could find)
Also every time you yank the onahole down, it’ll slam down on your crotch in an incredibly satisfying way. It’s amazing what an extra 300g (compared to most handheld onaholes) can do. I found that you can also pretty much go wild on this thing and it’ll remain whisper quiet. Feels like I’m reviewing a fucking vacuum cleaner at this point, but that might be a handy bullet point if you have to be mindful of your surroundings. Like if you’re on the train, you know?
Oddly, the only time Girl in the Box makes any actual noise is when you finally cum, and it sounds like all the air trapped inside gets forced out in a squelchy ‘custard river’ kinda way. Just like one of my Japanese animes.
Basically Girl in the Box isn’t trying anything fancy, though it definitely ‘does the job’. Such a lazy mixed bag review trope (7.9/10). There’s nothing particularly aggressive about the feedback, but that overwhelming feeling of your shaft being wrapped up in a blanket of blob is pretty nice! I love an onahole that you don’t really have to think much about, too. You can really shove this one down – or grip extra hard – and not worry about a thing. It’s built like a Game Boy.
Here Magic Eyes show off the difference between the original Girl in the Box and this hard edition. And as @BokuNoBeefDip pointed out, it kinda looks like this:
Cleaning the onahole isn’t nearly as difficult as I imagined, but I held off writing this review for about a week due to an initial… issue? Okay, so the first time I washed this onahole, a nasty looking black spot soon formed on it. A few days later this spread, which was rather concerning. If potential mould was already appearing, then surely something was going horribly wrong with the drying process.
I’m at a loss though; this patch hasn’t gotten worse since then, and I’ve attempted to look inside and can’t see anything similar. I guess just make sure you dry this onahole thoroughly, pat it down like there’s no tomorrow. Either way, I’ll let you guys know if my penis drops off and update this review accordingly.
But yeah, if you’re looking for a firm, reliable onahole that *might* outlast the universe itself, Girl in the Box: Hard Edition could be the way to go. Keep in mind shipping is going to be a pain in the arse and/or wallet, so maybe bundle it with some other smaller goods? Like lube. Or cleaning goods.
Just not foam cups.