Is It Wrong to Try to Pick Up Onaholes in a Dankon? Strangle Hole – Yes, probably

stranglehole_headerProduct: Is It Wrong to Try to Pick Up Onaholes in a Dankon? Strangle Hole
Manufacturer: Tamatoys
Measurements: length – 13cm, weight – 260g
Retailers: Kanojo Toys* / otonaJP / J-List*
Header image: Takeya

– Retailers marked with * are affiliate links

When the anime adaptation of Is It Wrong to Try to Pick Up Girls in a Dungeon? (or DanMachi for short) started airing earlier this year, it seemingly exploded overnight all thanks to one thing. A ribbon. In it, the character Hestia famously manages to hold up her massive tits with a blue ribbon tied between both arms – kind of like some magic dollar-store attempt at a bra.

In a COSTUME PRANK GONE SEXUAL situation, it went viral. Twitter trended itself to death and Pixiv parodied every character ever within about four minutes. Even sites that didn’t know what the fuck was going on were reporting on this mysterious ‘boob ribbon’ phenomenon.

I think my favourite part was when news hit that stores in Akihabara were selling plain ‘ol blue ribbons at ridiculously inflated prices as cosplay material.

stranglehole_akiribbonAnyway, one of my initial thoughts was ‘when is Tamatoys going to release an onahole about this?’ While the company is certainly capable of making some fantastic stuff, they have a reputation for pumping out clown-grade parody shit in record time.

DanMachi obviously ended up being no exception to this unwritten rule, as the headline-breaking Is It Wrong to Try to Pick Up Onaholes in a Dankon? Strangle Hole made its way to retail shelves a few weeks after the anime began.

According to the internet, ‘dankon’ is either slang for ‘penis’ or it means ‘bullet hole’. Okay, good. Whatever.

I held off getting this at launch mainly because I figured it’d be garbage, but also because it was just waaay too expensive. However with the craze beyond dead mere months later, prices have plummeted. So here we gooooo.

stranglehole01The box art doesn’t quite feature Hestia for obvious reasons (with Tamatoys’ 100% original character filling in/out nicely) but that all-important ribbon is present. “EVOLUTION!!” it claims in the top left corner. Evolution of… what exactly?

As nice as that art is though, the first warning sign is already present. I mean look at the size of her breasts, then compare them to the onahole’s.

stranglehole02stranglehole03Ah… oh. This is somewhat smaller than I imagined, but fuck me does it feel awful. The material is like some melted down Happy Meal. Greasy and absolutely reeking of burnt death.

To make matters worse the entire onahole just bloody collapses in on itself at any given moment, desperate to leave this plane of existence.

stranglehole04“Conveniently folds up into ANY pocket!”

stranglehole05And whooooaaa-ho-ho, the illusion is complete. I could barely contain my flaccid penis.

stranglehole06Especially with it leaving disgusting splotches everywhere and making my hands slippery enough to drop the camera about four times. Pure sex!

stranglehole07RIP

Tamatoys’ general idea is that tying the ribbon around the onahole will enhance its tightness – hence the Strangle Hole bit – buuuuuuut in doing so, it starts cutting into the shithouse rubber. A bit of cloth is enough to slice through.

And there’s barely anything to hold the ribbon in place as it is (I’m quite sure Hestia having two arms and everything likely played a crucial part), so this already isn’t going to work.

Still, I always intended to first try the onahole without the ribbon anyway. But looking at the internal promo shot below, I’m not even sure what good the ribbon would do? Surely your dick sliding through would either force it to pop off or you’d just slam into the new-found choke-point head first.

stranglehole_insideAlright, so after washing the onahole and its thick layer of greasy sex-toy-sheen off my hands, I was ready to get inside. Within seconds my penis had already veered off into a wall and on the verge of breaking right through it. Excellent. God, this material is paper thin trash. Adjusting my trajectory slightly, the next moment of eye-squinting confusion struck. There was NO sensation.

Usually I could ramble on about ‘oh well first I hit some ribs and bumps and whoa nelly’ but seriously, nothing. Strangle Hole felt like maybe I’d gotten a factory defect where they hadn’t actually textured anything inside. Straight up smooth rubber.

Perhaps I’d used too much lube? Maybe it was the onahole’s natural horrible greasy juic- JESUS FUCK WHAT IS HAPPENING NOW.

stranglehole08I looked down and noticed the onahole was well and truly stuck. As in the entrance had sealed itself shut around my shaft and attempting to yank the toy up just stretched it out. Like, it was really stuck on there. Naturally my reaction was to fumble around for the camera mid-masturbation.

Okay, it’d just created some sort of powerful suction effect, right? That’s not too unusual with these things. I went to wedge a finger in the entrance and hopefully let out the trapped air. Fucking nooooope. The moment I did that, flakes of rubber started drifting onto the carpet. Oh no.

As I slowly forced the onahole up my shaft it produced a haunting noise, akin to a jelly monster being brutally slaughtered by a bag of spoons.

There was sticky pink goo.

… Guys.

Sticky pink goo on my dick. :(

stranglehole09Whatever cheap horse shit Tamatoys used to colour the entrance had just melted. MELTED RIGHT THE FUCK OFF. No wonder the onahole wasn’t moving!

Disgusted yet somehow still erect, I pulled Strangle Hole off completely. It was everywhere, and it wasn’t just the pink stuff, oh no.  I think the rubber inside was merely waiting for a vessel to help it escape into the outside world.

It has been particularly warm here in Sydney lately, but weeeeoooooooooow.

strangehole_artworkHere, sorry, flush that last image out of your mind with this. The only good thing about Strangle Hole.

After showering in cringe and water for several hours, sure, I might as well see what (if any) texture the onahole actually had by flipping it inside out. Keep in mind that by this point – after just one use – the material was also screwed on the outside. Chunks goin’ all over the joint.

stranglehole10

stranglehole11Unsurprisingly, none. I think you can see what ended up peeling off with my dick though.

stranglehole12
“Merry Christmas”

Is It Wrong to Try to Pick Up Onaholes in a Dankon? Strangle Hole is Tamatoys at their absolute worst. And when my penis eventually falls off from a severe dose of sticky pink goo – therefore causing the rest of my body to crumble into a pile of ash – I’d like this review to be preserved for future generations.

Be careful of anime parody onaholes which launch about seven seconds after the anime they’re based on.

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8 Responses to Is It Wrong to Try to Pick Up Onaholes in a Dankon? Strangle Hole – Yes, probably

  1. Why is it that reviews of awful products are always the best to read? Fucking amazing sir.

    But… one question. Is that really part of your shaft we see in those images or were you more tasteful? I’m not offended whichever way your answer goes.

    ALSO!

    The amount of times an onahole with a title associating itself with ‘dankon’ aka FLACCID COCK, it sure was appropriate that it looked a dick itself.

    http://infernalmonkey.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/11/stranglehole07.jpg
    http://infernalmonkey.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/11/stranglehole12.jpg

    10/10. Will show to friends that their chagrin.

    • Infernal Monkey says:

      Haha, thanks! It’s a lot easier to let loose on rubbish stuff. Meanwhile the ‘okay’ onaholes are by far the hardest to make entertaining reviews from.

      Also yep, that’s really mah shaft. I was going to try and pixelate it at first, but that’d ruin the goo, so I just cropped the photo best I could.

      And dankon means FLACCID cock?! Ooooh maaaan, that’s even better!

  2. Ha, I don’t know why I went all FLACCID COCK and in caps, probably some shit joke drunk me was thinking of when I wrote that last night. But I guess it could be flaccid, or maybe I just like saying the word flaccid.

    Fllllaaaaacciiiiiiid…

  3. DargeD says:

    In this case I think it is wrong to pick up onaholes in a dankon
    Seriously though, how did this pass any quality control whatsoever

  4. Some guy says:

    Hey infernalmonkey,
    Question for you. So I’m looking to buy my first onahole and I’m looking to pay around 20-30. Any suggestions?
    Thanks

  5. OH my god, that’s gross. No, I don’t mean because part of your junk is in the picture, but I mean…that goo and flecks of whatever…aaaaagh. Talk about killing whatever little bit of mood there was in the first place, right?

  6. ThatOneChick says:

    HOLY SHIT!

    Maybe I should be glad I can’t use onaholes if I run the risk of something melting onto my body partway through my pathway to pleasure. Seriously looked like the thing sprayed strawberry icing all over, until the horrible realization of melting toxic rubber became the reality. I really hope these things are made of material that ISN’T harmful for the user, otherwise I smell a lawsuit.

    No….no wait, that’s the melting rubber.

    RIP in peace boob ribbons. You hung this one well.

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