Header image: Ekakibito
In the very loosest of loose competition tie-in ideas spawned from the Dagashi Kashi onahole review, I… I ended up eating a few of the things purchased for this prize and having to replace them. So it’s really about time I announce a winner. Please get these snacks out of my room.
The question? Which candy product would you masturbate with and why? Only the
dumbest best for competition questions around here, I tell ya.
The prize? This lot.
It’s just like one of my Australian animes.
There were certainly some clever/educational entries, buuut man, for going into full on fancy restaurant review depth on a popular choice, congratulations to…
Pop Rocks. Motherfucking Pop Rocks. You know, those little shards of sugar that come in like… two flavors. TWO WHOLE FLAVORS! Talk about variety.
Wait what? I have to masturbate with them? Right.
Well first off let’s look at the package (hurr hur).
Oh, twice the fun, eh? I’m sure it is.
The artwork isn’t anything to gawk at. It’s not gonna change the way you look at sweets at the corner market. But hey A for effort, right?
Ah great. I’ve always wanted to fuck a bag of rocks.
So opening it up we see the inside (no shit.). It’s clearly a one use item (but this is a mega pack, two bad decisions for the price of one!). Also, it’s just a $1.00, so yeah. Depending for which flavor you go for, you’re greeted with a different color interior (I chose strawberry). After doing some research there’s apparently eight different hole types flavors to choose from, one for every color of the rainbow. Taste the rainbow. Fuck the rainbow. If only these were Skittles, yeah?
Now let’s get inside.
First thing you’ll notice when you stick your dick into a pack of Pop Rocks is the instant sting of regret. The pebbles beat and scrap against your member with every thrust. It’s like your dick took a trip to Saudi Arabia and is now getting stoned after breaking out into song and dance about how great Wallace and Gromit 3D would be. Not to mention the never-ending worry of getting one or five of those little suckers stuffed up your urethra. It’s like going on a walk with a rock still stuck in your shoe despite repeated attempts at banging the footwear over everything in sight and your neighbor’s head just to get the thing out… only this time the shoe is your dick.
However, despite the packaging giving no leeway and the entire stimulation relaying on a bunch of sweet tasting rocks, the end result is quite worth it. Whenever the chills running down your spine are finally overcome by the orgasmic sensation going up it, whatever stones weren’t pulverized into powder during the experience will begin popping. That’s right! As the essence of your poorly-thought-out wank session begins to fill the pack, sounds of Snap, Crackle, and Pop crying out in sheer horror begin to fill the air! Majestic….
In all honesty, it’s quite amazing. It’s like a little miniature fireworks show going off… except there’s a less dazzling light show and you’re holding a beat up package that’s no doubt leaking cum. Good times!
Why I want to wank with this: I want to hear my orgasm met by the applause of a thousand tiny rocks!
Huge thanks to everyone who entered! Or even read the initial competition thing but was like “nah, stuff that”. Here are the rest of the entries for your viewing pleasure.
Holo the Wise Wolf
If you got one of those giant gummy worms and cut a hole into one end of it you would basically just have a (really long) homemade onahole.
Even better, if you had a big enough drill bit or a large hand drill, you make it have a corkscrew texture. Even better than that, if you do it with a giant gummy bear instead it would even be the right size for am onahole…
Hang on, I need to go find a gummy bear…
If i used Vegemite as lubricant it would probably make my dick shrink to oblivion and maybe the sensation will last a bit longer? Haven’t tried it tho. 10/10 would try it
For the Dagashi competition: if I had to choose a candy product to masturbate with… Hell, I think I would go with a Hoho. First of all, look at it, its already got an Onahole shape, kinda. Second, it is cheaper than a ho. Third, according to its name, it should be twice the fun than a ho. Finally, well, you could use the cream as lube.
Thanks for hearing out my weird diatribe trying to justify fucking a hoho!
Oh yeah, for reference, a hoho:
I’d cover a candy cane with a condom and use it as a sound. It seems to be just the perfect shape for that.
Easy choice! I would use a bag of “Petazetas” (spanish candy knows as “pop rock” in the rest of the world)
Who doesn’t will like feel a Explooooosion of flavours in your dick?
PD: Megumin approves this choice!
There’s a local “tradition” around here known as the Peppermint Pig, which is a big pink chunk of peppermint hard candy in the shape of a pig. To eat it you break it with a hammer because what the fuck else would you do. Saratoga is crazy. Anyways I bet it’d be the best way to practice kegels, while at the same time basking in the weirdness of some weird micro/macro furry shit. Also considering how impossible it is to break it without a fucking hammer it’s probably worth a trophy or something if i managed to break it with my vagina.
I would definitely go with “Ringe-Mix” (rings mix) by the German manufacturer “Haribo”. Not only is the shape of this candy predestined for masturbation purposes, it also comes with the two skins material! String together a couple of these and you have the most heavenly candy love tube your Willy could ever ask for. And don’t get me started talking about that naughty Haribo bear seen on the packaging. This guy is more kinky than you could ever be! Fluffy, cuddly and always asking for pleasure. I tried to capture his beauty on the second image attached to this mail.
But I have to say that I’m a little bit troubled with the Haribo slogan “Haribo macht Kinder froh und Erwachsene ebenso” (Haribo makes children happy – and adults as well) but well … let’s don’t bother the details.
I just give it a try then, lol.do you know about POP ROCKS CANDY?imagine you pour all of the pop rocks candy into those onahole(r20), add a little water(or maybe not) and fucking bang into it!a moment of silence…. rub a little bit….when you realize cock juice flow out…BOOOM , THAT FEEL OF BOOM power burst out from the onahole, those candy impact on you cock, make you feel ASSUMPTION~~~!that feel that word cannot describe~ps. dont try this at home.
Pouring Strawberry Pop Rocks into my onahole so I can experience America’s greatest moments through a explosive and bloody red war on my dick.
I’d definitely try marshmallows (either one big marshmallow with a hole in the middle, or I’d wrap a couple of smaller ones around my shaft, I don’t know how but I bet I would find a way). Not only do they have a silky smooth surface, but if you wank fast enough and melt the insides due to frictional heating, you can pretend you’re fucking a slime monster girl.
Probablemente yo, derretir el cherry ripe +timi tam, en los dos para poder sentir el tibio calor y textura de ambos ya que el candy es mmmm mantecoso!
Y también dunka roos no se muy bien que es lo que veo pero se ve bien e imagino que podría utilizarlo también.
El echo de utilizarlo por que el chocolate fundido dejaría a este con algo de calor y muy suave además de poder mesclar con más y más objetos como en los roos.
También me interese mucho la idea de poder tener por primera vez una Onahole, ya que jamás e podido tener uno y es su web puedo apreciar todo y lo maravilloso de lo que hace, es en envidiable usted, tiene mucha suerte a mi pensar.
Google translated: (Sorry if anything’s botched! – Infernal)
Probably, melt ripe cherry + tim tam, in the two to feel the warm glow and texture of both because the candy is buttery hmm!
And Dunka roos do not really know what I see but it looks good and I imagine you could also use it.
The miss use melted chocolate that would leave this with some heat and very soft addition to mesclar with more and more objects as in the roos.
I also really interested in the idea of having for the first time Onahole as ever and I could have one and it is your web I can appreciate everything and wonder of what it does, is enviable you are very lucky my thinking.
Jello, because sticking my dick in a bunch of kinda warm jello would
probably be like fucking a slime girl. And the resulting sounds would
make for a more genuine H game experience!
A Really Stupid Czecher
Well, that’s easy. Lollipops! (’cause I love lolis) And by that I mean, I already tried to use a rather phallic-looking whistle lollipop (it wasn’t the best, but not as bad as a razor).
Now, I know what you might be thinking. How do you stick a dick in a lollipop (or in a razor)? And to that I say, I never tried to do that. It was sticky but kinda fun. Doesn’t do for a good [urethral] sound, though.
You might get some fun from slapping your tip with it, but that’s more like fun from farting to the rhythm of your jerking or cumming into your bellybutton and calling it a kiddie pool, than it is the fun which makes your load into explosives.
The candy type item which would be the victim of my testosterone-induced masturbation would be a… (insert drum roll, cause you really give a fuck) sponge roll. The traditional one filled with jam, or the chocolate one would do, i don’t discriminate on the colour of my masturbation devices.
This stemmed from the other day when I was visiting my local Coles (with none other than my mother whom I was visiting for Easter) when I was perusing the bakery section and caught a glimpse of those deliciously satisfying treats out the corner of my eye, and thought to myself… fuck me, you know what? It might feel alright to stick my dick in one of those and have a go of it.
What candy would you masturbate with and why?Well for me, I would most likely try to use a 3 musketeers candy bar. You know, those ones that are famous for their fluffy insides.Just the word fluffy makes me think that it would be pretty good to use, and with the friction and heat the whipped chocolate would eventually turn into some viscous material and that sounds pretty rad.I also think that the smell wouldn’t be too bad right? I’ve tried chocolate covered squid before and it wasn’t too bad of a smell. So if for some reason I have to be inconspicuous about my candy bar fucking then it wouldn’t be completely obvious until someone saw a full size unwrapped chocolate bar in the trash.
The candy product I would masturbate to would be Life Saver Gummies. Now the holes are too small so lets assume we have giant-sized versions :D
Why? I freaking love the texture of them – that nice squishy feeling in my mouth (*ahem*) has made them my favourite candy. Imaging a dozen or two of them wrapped around my dick would involve a very sweet ending.
I would end up masturbating with a Mexican candy called cachetadas or slaps in English. its so slick and smooth I honestly think it would feel great and sticky.
I’d lube up and shove myself into a cup of gummies.Gummy worms for ridges and that tentacle-like feeling, and gummy bears for bumps :)
Not sure it counts as normal candy but I think I’d try some Icee Squeeze candy as some sort of sweet smelling, yet sticky, and horrible lube. Probably not worth it in the long run.
I would jerk off with a twinkie because it is the perfect shape and the cream would probably be great for lube.
In my state of Florida the top masturbatory aid is non other than the HUMBLE GUMMY-GATOR. If you but tie their little legs together you can recreate the ultimate in redneck/STEVE IRWIN (too soon?) fantasies of RASSLIN and SEXIN a top-tier predator from the swamps replete with HOT TAIL-THRASHIN and DEAD-STARIN-REPTILE EYES.
I have been known to employ a spot of DEATH-ROLLING myself on any unsuspecting Ona-Holes that I cross perchance about the grounds of my estate.
PS: to further enhance the immersive quality of the HUMBLE GUMMY-GATOR you may find the HUMBLE GATOR POOP to your liking, cheers ;)
Alright! I don’t have a cock, so if I had to choose a candy to fap with, it’d be the retro-nostalgic 1990s candy—Hubby Bubba Squeeze Pop.THEY LET KIDS EAT THAT.Lookit it, it was the size and width of the head of a cock, and probably had no small part in my own cock obsession nowadays.
My thoughts would be for Sour Gummy Worms would make for a fun masturbating experiance. Just think, wrap them around ya dick and you get the slight tingle of the sourness on skin, the rough texture of the sugar but the soft gooeyness of the worms themselves and as you fap faster they start to melt which creates it’s own multicoloured lube for the complete experience.
I’d split open one of those giant 5 pound gummi bears and go to town.
what are you fuckin gay
Aaaand hopefully I didn’t miss any entries here! Well, except for one that was mostly just gibberish in the subject line and had nothing in the actual email. What a mystery.
Thanks again, everyone! (And cheers Chris that’s a very decent shovel-like penis you’ve drawn there 9.8/10).
There’ll be another big competition kicking off soon-ish unless I’m a lazy shit, but in the future I’d love to do more on a smaller (but more frequent) scale. One day!