Have you ever been in a thrift store and had the misfortune of walking past their shoe rack? Fuck me. It’s pure death. Late last year I did a bit of work in a Salvation Army store, typically just cleaning up the shelves or sorting through bags of disgusting donations.
“Gosh, these shit-stained pantaloons don’t fit me anymore, maybe somebody will like them along with this saucepan which has thirty years worth of burnt eggs forming a permanent layer of yolk-scum on it.” – Someone. SOMEONE.
And while it was okay, at first I never understood why none of the other staff ever wanted to sort out the shoe section. It was like an unspoken forbidden zone. Even the surrounding carpet was messier – a little circle of filth, as if an invisible barrier prevented any vacuum cleaners from entering.
Until one day I was asked to help a customer look for a matching boot in there. Oh my god.
Imagine a few hundred people trying to use your face as a dance floor at the same time during a thunder-storm. They’ve been waiting all year for this downpour hoedown, as nobody owns (or knows of) a washing machine. Everyone’s wearing every pair of socks and shoes they own to save time. You’re desperately trying to vomit but it just isn’t coming out.
The smell was an almost visibly thick wall of wet, sweaty hell. Traumatic.
Better check out this bottle of scent which tries to emulate the smell of well-worn shoes, then! No matter what you can’t take away my animu girl foot fetish.
Well, that and if my WordPress stats are anything to go by, a lot of people are stumbling upon the blog via Google searches for ‘feet’ and ‘smell fetish’. The armpit thing I put together last year is also one of the most viewed posts on here ever.
There’s either a niche market hungry for impossibly difficult reviews of this stuff or a legion of bots trying to study what makes humans tick through the most obscure and ineffective process possible. Whichever way, I’m down for covering more of this.
Oh, ‘monkey sex’ is another big Google search result which gets people here. I will not be covering that.
Titled The Scent of School Girl’s Shoes, this scent promises to invoke a sense of nostalgia for the uh, smell of Japanese ‘uwabaki’ slippers worn by school students. It’s all over the packaging and everything.
NOSTALGIA ~NOSTALGIA~ NOSTALGIA.
Which probably means absolutely nothing to anyone outside Japan, but still. You can get what they’re going for. (Shoes).
The bottle holds 10ml of stink, designed to slooooowly drip out one or two drops at a time. That’s all you’ll need really, with whatever you’re applying it to. It’s pretty strong and smells of… well, hmm.
Unlike say, a scent designed to smell like strawberries – which will never stop smelling like strawberries for all eternity – I guess The Scent of School Girl’s Shoes dramatically changes depending on my mood.
Sometimes you just don’t feel like masturbating to a handful of strawberries, you know?
Like, when I’m really into it, wanking my way to an early life-pondering grave – frantically clicking through images like the one above, then yeah. Fuck. The Scent of School Girl’s Shoes really does the trick.
Sort of like a chunk of incredibly sour, sweat-soaked rubber. Which I imagine is exactly what a stinky old school girl shoe would smell like. Probably. I dunno, but it works. The degenerate fantasy is enhanced tenfold.
And then there are the times like… right now! Writing this review with no erection in sight, The Scent of School Girl’s Shoes smells like something you’d clean the bathroom with. Just a heavy clusterfuck of mystery chemicals.
I feel like taking an extra strong whiff could potentially cause brain damage or something.
In fact, it’s reminiscent of the exact same shit every grandma on the planet uses as perfume when they decide to go walking in the middle of the footpath. All of them. You sidestep only to have your face nearly melted off as they shuffle past. You’ve all been there.