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Okay, this one’s pretty absurd. Tamatoys – infamous cheeky cunts for constantly skirting copyright infringement with their parody sex toys – have actually gotten the seal of approval to make an officially licensed onahole for once.
And… bear with me for the backstory here, I’ve spent like ten minutes browsing fan wikis and shit. Expert comin’ through. This onahole is based on ‘Calcium’ (Ca for short) by Deino, a bizarre looking mechanical skeleton who can dress up as other characters by changing their outer casing.
Now in 2009, Calcium kinda exploded onto the Vocaloid scene by wearing the husk of Hatsune Miku and starring in this music video.
In it, Calcium takes on the name ‘Calne Ca’, where I’m pretty sure that’s how most people will know of the character.
Over the years Calne Ca has since been the robotic-typewriter face of numerous Vocaloid metal tunes and other generally unsettling PVs like the hugely popular Bacterial Contamination. There’s even been a brief cameo in SEGA’s Project DIVA Arcade.
So essentially we’ve got an officially licensed onahole of a character famous for being a semi-unofficial Vocaloid. Cool, cool.
Technically this is called Calcium: The Hole, since she’s not cosplaying as Miku or whatever, but retail listings have it as Calne Ca: The Hole so… stuff. And by stuff, I mean page views, let’s be honest.
Just for the sake of this review I’ll be referring to it as Calne Ca: The Hole.
Wrapped in barbed wire and splattered with blood, the packaging is about as striking/messed up as you’d expect.
Even if robots with stapler legs aren’t your thing, this is definitely eye-catching. Tamatoys and Deino have done a fantastic job here. Like, this is the sort of thing you might expect to see in your local overpriced import figure store because they weren’t aware it was even a sex toy. “We have the latest Gun Damn in stock” they’d say.
I can’t find a single (decent) picture of the onahole’s internal design, but it’s basically a torso shell attempting to emulate what it’d be like to fuck Calcium in all her non-flesh and glory.
According to Deino, this is what she looks like fully naked:
Opening up the box, I was pleasantly surprised to find some bonus goodies in the form of two straps.
These would have looked so cool on my Nokia 3310 a thousand years ago.
Aaaand there’s Calne Ca: The Hole. You know, first impressions aren’t bad. The material seems very sturdy, there’s a nice level of detail (including Calcium’s isopod friend ‘Nato-kun’ branded on her back) and no burnt rubber smell to it. Always a plus.
I guess it’s sorta fun to hold too just because it’s so different.
Then you quickly realise just how insanely narrow that body is. Combined with the tough rubber and a ridiculous entry point, Calne Ca: The Hole is pretty… uh, painful.
Seriously, this hole is tiny and has just about zero wiggle room. Unless you’re hard as fucking DIAMONDS and feel nothing, getting inside is a wince-worthy struggle. Even though I dig some rough stimulation on my head, Calne Ca: The Hole was way too much.
Basically felt like it was pinching and twisting the tip of my dick between two broken fingernails. Can’t say I’ve ever experienced that before – but I have now and it’s an express trip to Flaccidville.
However erections can be fairly determined, and once actually inside Calne Ca: The Hole you’ll find a fairly suffocating experience. This one’s tight as shit, with each thrust delivering a solid jolt as you scrape past every rung.
Because that’s pretty much the extent of its structure. Nothing fancy here, but considering you’re having sex with a rib cage it makes perfect sense. Sharply yanking the onahole down never fails to feel like you’ve just done something horrendous.
But again, Calne Ca: The Hole is simply way too narrow. There’s barely any padding to support a dick taking the grand tour.
During my first wank I could see my shaft bulging through the onahole’s stomach. During my second… I felt the outside getting all slippery.
Oh. Turns out I’d shaved right through the back wall at this point, causing lube and pre-cum to mix at a surprise party on my hand.
So yeah, Calne Ca: The Hole was pretty much wrecked after using it just two times. I’m sure Tamatoys would have had to sacrifice the entire visual appeal to make it a bit more flexible, but that’s still a tough sell – no matter how big a fan you are of having sex with mechanical singing skeletons.
Still a great idea though, which is the point Tamatoys unfortunately seem to stop at way too often.
Bring on ‘Calne Wa’, I say.