Virtual Series Love Voice – Not on speaking terms

lovevoice_headerProduct: Virtual Series Love Voice
Manufacturer: Kiss-Me-Love
Measurements: length – 18cm, weight – 550g
Retailers: Otona-Sekai / Kanojo Toys* / otonaJP
Header image: Tiphereth

– This product was provided by otonaJP for masturbation review purposes
– Retailers marked with * are affiliate links

Hey, how about an onahole that booms out digitized moaning noises as you wank, reacting to each thrusting motion with built-in sensors? Y-yeah. Yeah!

It’s such an obvious idea now that one finally exists. Because I dunno about you guys, I’ll often listen to some generic porn as background noise whilst furiously masturbating to anything but; so why not combine two of these things for convenience.

If anything, such a device would at least save me the trouble of seeing endless ‘YOUR NEIGHBOUR WHO LIVES AT *INACCURATE GUESS OF USER’S LOCATION HERE* WANTS TO FUCK RIGHT NOW’ adverts on PornHub.

lovevoicepromoSo here’s the Virtual Series Love Voice from Kiss-Me-Love. Who the fuck is Kiss-Me-Love? Man, I dunno. Going by their website I’m pretty sure they’re linked to Love Cloud, who made the surprisingly nice (yet poorly tested) Debu Sen onahole. All these sex toy companies seem to operate under a thousand different names.

Unfortunately, just like how the Virtual Boy first introduced a handful of people to the potential of 3D graphics  – and laser eye surgery – Virtual Series Love Voice is a piss-poor attempt in capturing its intended interactive audio… thing effect here.

It’s basically the sort of ‘futuristic’ masturbation device you’d see George Jetson using on his floating outdoor treadmill as he consumes bite-sized blocks of protein deposited from Rosie the Robot’s sassy robotic arse.

Clumsy and cheap in a cold, depressing kind of way.

lovevoice01Opening the package up, Kiss-Me-Love have included quite possibly the smallest sample packet of lube I’ve ever seen, aaaand two AAA batteries to power the onahole’s voice. Props for that.

Also I’m dangerously going to assume the character on the box is supposed to be someone from… Love Live!, right? Having an orgasm from falling into a virtual blue screen? Or maybe just havin’ a good yawn with her tits out. We’ve all been there.

lovevoicehelloEither way it’s really not the greatest box art, but hey.

lovevoice02Unwrap the layer of precious bubble wrap and wow cool, the Virtual Series Love Voice looks like this: fuckin’ boring. Pop off the lid however…

lovevoice03And there we go, now it’s like a gummy hole. Seriously, the rubber seems so nice and shiny.

lovevoice04The actual onahole bit comes out for cleaning purposes, and now we can get a proper look at what’s going on. Kiss-Me-Love kept this out of any promotional images, and yeah, I don’t blame them. It’s an incredibly basic design; just a series of ridges running down the tunnel.

Still, I kinda knew this would be the case since Virtual Series Love Voice is all about an amusing gimmick. My complete lack of expectations were somehow shattered when I saw the rubber tube missing a big chunk right from the get-go though.

Perhaps an employee really did mistake it for candy.

lovevoice05Onto the main attraction then. On the bottom of the plastic cup there’s a speaker, headphone jack (smart!) and an on/off switch.

Naturally, after putting the batteries in I had nothing but problems trying to get this ‘love voice’ function to work. Figured maybe the batteries were dead, but nope. Changing them out got the same non-results.

The crucial Bubsy music was supposed to be louder.

Looking inside Virtual Series Love Voice reveals its most intricate janky secrets. The two ‘motion sensors’ are just big springy buttons you click in to activate different sounds. Thing is, on my copy at least, they just don’t work. At all.

lovevoice06They sure do make an oddly comforting cracking noise as the shithouse plastic braces for sweet death every time it comes in contact with itself, but that’s not exactly the sexual gasps (from voice actress Fujino Rika) as advertised on the box. Or is it?

However even if these buttons did work, I feel like Virtual Series Love Voice would demand one hell of a girthy shaft to actually do anything. They don’t press in easily, and the rubber insert is too flimsy to add any extra strength against the walls.

Your dick would basically have to resemble a tree trunk – or a Danny Devito head – for this to work.

virtualdannyAnd we can’t all be that BLESSED. But I found that holding down the on/off button – even without fucking the onahole – would cause a short loop of noise. Kiss-Me-Love couldn’t have just recorded a few seconds of disgruntled talking, surely there’s more to it than that? If not, then wow. Shit.

So technically, you could get this onahole to repeatedly blast four seconds of audio as you masturbate, as long as you awkwardly keep holding the power button.

lovevoice07 lovevoice08Pfftt, can’t even use it as an erotic drinking cup.

Oh, as for the actual onahole itself? Eh. Plain ribbed tunnels do nothing for me at the best of times, but the material is so thin I almost couldn’t feel anything at all. If it wasn’t for the hard plastic shell slamming into my crotch and leaving a mark I… probably wouldn’t have cum, honestly.

Just think, if you let your pubes go wild, Virtual Series Love Voice could likely leave a crop circle effect in them!

Now that’s innovation.

Virtual Series Love Voice

+ Maybe it makes cool moaning noises if it works

– But I don’t know, because it doesn’t work
– Feels like something you’d find in a discount store with a big ‘AS SEEN ON TV’ triangle on the box and there’s a picture of someone rollerblading while holding an onion with a minivan in the background. The product could be fucking anything, yet does nothing.

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