– This product was provided by Svakom for
masturbation review purposes
Oh! This is… very uncharted territory. So a few weeks ago I was contacted by someone asking if I wanted to review the Elva vibrating bullet thingy by Svakom, and I honestly thought they were just havin’ a giggle. I mean, if you’re going to click the ‘contact’ part to grab my email, then surely you’ve glanced at a review or two by that point and noticed all the anime tits and rubber holes to piece together the situation.
But “sure I’d love to” I replied, adding my postal details. Because in the immortal words of that bobcat who jumped on trees and had a wool ball fetish – “what could possibly go wrong?”
Fast forward a couple of days and holy shit whoops, an express parcel arrives direct from Svakom. Pursing my lips so hard my face could have consumed itself, a weird sensation of guilt hit me. These guys had just sent me a vibrator worth like a hundred kangaroo bucks and there’s absolutely no way I could do it justice.
I don’t have that stuff. Hell, the only access I have to anything even vaguely resembling a vagina is kept in a drawer under my bed, and that’s a statement which could get me arrested.
So here’s a review from a dick’s point of view, I guess?
Gosh, foam. That’s too fancy. I’m sweating. Feels like I’m unboxing the Queen of England’s personal assistant here.
Once you’ve gotten all that out of the way, here’s the main contents. You’ve got the Elva vibrating bullet, a USB cable to charge it with, and a remote control.
The vibrator itself will last about two hours on a full charge, while the remote uses its own disposable coin battery things instead. But those survive for sixty thousand years and they give you a spare one anyway. Sorted until the end of days.
There’s a nice full colour instruction manual too, showing exactly where to shove it. Also has a random stock photo of someone in a wedding dress lying around just blankly staring into the void. I like that. Really made me think.
Oh and a storage bag. Bloody hell, Svakom. They made sure this feels like a premium product. Buy an onahole roughly the same price and you’re lucky to get a greasy plastic wrap that smells like burnt death to keep it in.
Just press and hold the ‘S’ button for a few seconds and away you go. By default this sets Elva to its ‘intelligent mode’ which apparently attempts to simulate sex from beginning to end, but I dunnoooooo.
Like, sex with who exactly? Someone caught in a time rift so their physical existence is an unstable mess jittering about like a malfunctioning robot caught in a toaster? That’d be so fucking rad.
Anyway, if you don’t want that experience, you can keep clicking the S button to activate different types of rumble patterns and stay there. Everything from standard earthquake to something resembling mid-90s techno.
The remote control also switches between patterns and increases or decreases the intensity, making it heaps more convenient mid-masturbation.
Nothing says caressing mode more than stabbing lines.
And wow is the Elva quiet. The only other bullet vibes I’ve played with are Japan’s ultra low-budget jank-fests which can somehow still make a profit at just over two dollars and get included in cans. Everyone in the universe knows when you’re using one of those.
Elva though, this thing barely makes a noise even at its most powerful setting. Unless your vagina is literally a hard flat surface. In which case, hey. Nice.
… What does a blooming flower sound like? What would an entire stadium of blooming flowers sound like? Probably erotic.
So I’ve been using Elva in combination with onaholes. Last year I reviewed that bootleg TOT Smart Vase onahole which violently vibrated, but it was loud as fuck and eventually broke. Also I wouldn’t be surprised if having my penis in contact with TOT Smart Vase’s mystery material has drastically shortened my life expectancy by several decades.
Either way, it was a discovery that onaholes only get even better when they’re rumbling. If you’ve got something with both holes like KABEJIRI, try shoving a bullet vibrator in one of them. Good stuff.
Elva’s pretty nice too. Maybe I’ll try putting it up my arse one day.
Maybe I already tried that.
It’s a mystery.
+ Multiple vibration patterns and intensity settings
+ Comes with a remote control. When people ask what it’s for you can burp loudly in their face
+ It’s really quiet
– Seems pretty expensive, but I have no idea what good vibrators usually cost. Superb review, 10/10
– I kept trying to type Elvira the entire time