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masturbation review purposes
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Oh man, poor Tamatoys. They can nail an ear canal onahole nobody even asked for on their first go, yet somehow anything resembling a mouth continues to elude them. Tamatoys have released a loooot of blowjob products over the years – instantly replacing every effort with a slightly different thing – and so far nothing has managed to stick.
I imagine there’s just a gigantic pile of unsold stock sitting in a warehouse somewhere, and each day the janitor comes along to crack his “look at all these mouths I have to feed” joke. He laughs, as the frantic sound of a belt buckle and zipper being undone echoes through the rafters.
Their latest attempt is the Virgin Fella.
… Because fuck knows there just weren’t enough onaholes already called ‘virgin’ whatever. Virgin mouth! She’s never opened it before, especially not for fellatio.
Tired video game journalism-esque snark aside, I really loved the look of this one! I was even more excited than usual for an exciting time. Tamatoys’ promo shot gave the impression they’d taken serious inspiration from Magic Eyes’ excellent Mouth of Truth, and I’m all for companies flogging good (masturbation-related) ideas if they can add their own unique touches to them.
Unfortunately Tamatoys just kinda have a bad touch here, as the final product is such a janky and forgettable effort.
But see, that looks heaps promising. There’s a few teeth in there, a tongue… pink blobs. Everything a real mouth has.
A real hippopotamus mouth, yeah? Fuckin’ sexy.
It all starts off okay. Nice box art, no overbearing rubber smell, and the onahole itself is a good size and weight.
But then you flip it round to the front and oh no. What’s with this gnarly underbite? Virgin Fella doesn’t even need eyes to give you a look of pure disgust.
It got even more extreme after my first go. This is Virgin Fella’s resting face now:
I almost feel genuinely bad for the poor thing. But uh, let’s take a better look inside that mouth then?
Jesus. Virgin Fella is like face-fucking a processed cheese sculpture of the world’s most bitter clown. Except nowhere near as good.
Unlike Mouth of Truth’s hardcore plastic chompers, the teeth here are made of rubber. That’d be perfectly fine (and I was really hoping it’d make a good alternative to suggest since not everyone’s into intense shaft-scraping) but nah. They’re way too weak to the point where they offer zero resistance.
Virgin Fella basically isn’t built to handle any kind of dick-related activity. Half its mouth ends up eating itself the moment you’re past the lips.
It just gets completely CRUSHED. The end result is a weird mush of garbage rubber wrapping around the head of your dick. After a few thrusts the mouth can ‘pop’ back into place, however even then it’s difficult to pinpoint any kind of sensation aside from depression.
Those teeth apparently vanish into the void, as I was never once able to feel anything special from them. Likewise the tongue doesn’t add anything.
And then whoa – the ride is suddenly over. Virgin Fella’s tunnel shuts down way too quick in an attempt to simulate deep throat and there’s just… nothing there. No noticeable textures or anything. You’re almost immediately bangin’ up against a tight rubber wall.
I mean, I guess it does a decent enough job considering I came into it a few times? My mind goes blank thinking back to any of those Kodak moments though. Virgin Fella’s about as dull as an onahole can possibly get, mouth or otherwise.
Maybe next time, Tamatoys! Suck it up. You’ll get there one day.
+ The box art is pretty rad
+ The packet of lube it comes with has a new design. That’s something I guess
– Material is too flimsy, onahole ends up getting crushed
– The teeth might as well not be there at all
– Entire design is too short and boring with very little stimulation
– Nothing about putting your dick in this will make you think ‘hey, a FELLA from a VIRGIN!’ because that’s not a thing anyone would think in any situation, but still. If anything was going to trigger that thought process, it’d surely be Virgin Fella