Seventeen Bordeaux – It’s French for yum

Product: Seventeen Bordeaux
Manufacturer: Toy’s Heart
Retailers: NLS / Toy Demon / otonaJP / Motsu Toys

As Jesus once said in that unofficial sequel to The Bible, “This truly is the Rolls-Royce of artificial vaginas, thou shalt not cometh into dirty socks”. It’s a thought-provoking quote passed on for generations. One which could inspire those in doubt about the quality of Seventeen Bordeaux, even in their darkest times of sexual need.

Toy’s Heart have had a successful run of onaholes in their ‘Seventeen’ series. I’d say they’re proooobably the most well-known range of rubber dick slots, and have a reputation for quality (should you happen to stumble into any onahole threads somewhere, like the Oprah Winfrey forum). Even freakin’ Amazon stocks these things. After Seventeen Evolution which was released last year, we’ve seen official spin-off varieties, limited editions, and even copycat designs by other manufacturers – including one that’s disturbingly called ‘Seven’. But Bordeaux is the latest proper entry. It’s canon, man.

This thing is slightly bigger than most handheld onaholes, accommodating just over seven inches with ease. And despite that, it’s also much lighter, as Toy’s Heart have gone with a spongy foam-like material for the thick outer layer. They’ve even embossed their logo on it. Fancy.

Seventeen Bordeaux definitely feels pleasant in your hand, and seems to retain its texture after being cleaned multiple times, unlike certain onaholes which pretty much turn into Gak after being exposed to water.

As per usual, there’s a little bottle of lube included. This one is called Moisty Massage Lotion. MOISTY. That’s my new favourite name. It’s not bad, especially for this particular onahole. You only need a few drops around the entrance.

Which, damn, Seventeen Bordeaux has a bloody huge gaping hole compared to every other onahole I’ve used. There’s no initial tight squeeze at all; it’s just like holy shit, hurry up and throw your junk in here. We’ve got plenty of room to spare. Here’s a piece of string to tie around your balls so you can make it back home alive.

That’s the Seventeen Bordeaux on the left, next to… something around the same physical size. Can’t even remember the name of it. I’m a professional.

You can even fit an entire Earthworm Jim in there. That’s groovy.

Moving on inside, Seventeen Bordeaux is a dual-layer onahole, meaning the inner design is of a completely different – more typical rubber-ish – material to the rest of it. It’s dark red, features hundreds of tiny bumps (with a handful of larger notches scattered within) and ends with an insanely tight end. You have to work to force into this area, which results in quite a loud popping noise, followed by faux-queefing. Potentially embarrassing if you have housemates, or if you’re using it in a public library.

Once you hit this point, you can squeeze down on the end to adjust the amount of suction. Or at least, that’s the idea. Fuck me, Seventeen Bordeaux is like having a gloryhole on the side of a plane mid-flight. It actually hurt the tip of my dick once. So I guess, watch out  maybe? For airlines offering such a service.

But for all your complex up and down motions, this onahole is pretty damn good. There’s a noticeable sensation; it’s not too crazy, and only needs a small amount of lube with no friction concerns. The vacuum chamber at the end can be really powerful, so just experiment with it. Play some two-player Double Dragon with it. You’ll be the best of friends.

I do have one concern though. Since it’s basically an onahole within an onahole, the inner layer appears to be peeling away at the edges slightly after only a few uses. Considering the price, that’s pretty disapointing knowing Seventeen Bordeaux may only have a fairly short life span. I’ve read some user reviews where people have complained about the same issue, or even that the inner layer started breaking apart after the first use. Hmmmm. Hommus. Home Improvement.

Oh, thankfully cleaning is a breeze, since you absolutely do not want to flip this inside out (the usual easy option with onaholes). Doing so will completely destroy it. Nothing clings to the grooves of this beast (I AM REFERRING TO YOUR SPERM), and it dries quickly. Run it under some warm water, wipe the insides with a cloth, sit back and relax with a good book. THE good book. The Bible 2: Revenge of David’s Goliath.

So aside from some potential problems with it in terms of lastability, Seventeen Bordeaux delivers. It’s expensive, but also doubles as a garage for your car.