Attack on Oppai – Its OP gets the blood pumping

Product: Attack on Oppai
Manufacturer: Tamatoys
Retailers: J-List / NLS / Kanojo
Artwork: カガミレイ

Often described as ‘Steampunk Spider-Man tackles Garfield after he’s had too much lasagna’ by absolutely nobody ever, last year’s anime adaptation of Attack on Titan (or Shingeki no Kyojin if you’re feeling particularly sweaty) was a pretty huge hit. I know it hooked me in with its initial shock value and that ‘no way’ cliffhanger moment just a few episodes in, where my laptop froze up.

Wasting absolutely no time, Tamatoys jumped on the show’s instant and steadily growing popularity with the release of their parody onahole, Attack on Oppai. Seriously, Tamatoys managed to get this shit onto store shelves just a few weeks after the anime had started airing, it was insane.

While the name is kind of amusing, the packaging it comes in is totally amazing. Just check out the back of the box.

Then we flip it around and I’m assuming this ‘beautiful hip’ belongs to Mikasa. After her breasts increased dramatically and her head and limbs were all torn off.

Man, wow. That’s some sexy stuff right there.

I was kind of hoping for a similarly themed packet of lube, but nope, this is just Tamatoys’ default stuff – a lotion that shines like the cosmic. If it looks a lot like Kuroneko from My Little Sister Can’t Be This Cute, that’s because… yes. Yes it is.

So, initial hands-on impressions. Well, the soft-skin material feels good, and you can poke your thumb around the ridiculous tits while going at it. Just like a real titan would. Except titans suffer from the Ken doll syndrome of not actually having anything down there. Minor details.

Also if you spread the opening, it sort of resembles a face. That’s a thoughtful bonus everyone can enjoy. Pretend it’s your crazy old uncle. Uncle Wobbles. Quiet moment at family gatherings? Bust him out and smear some gravy on his lips.

Haha, oh uncle Wobbles-chan, you certainly know how to liven up any situation.

My only other experience with a ‘body’ style onahole is this fairy one from Toys’ Heart. It’s an extremely thick and squishy beast to allow a firm grasp. Because hey, the general idea behind these sort of onaholes is that you’re screwing a tiny little body devoid of an internal organs or bones. The furry community would be proud.

By comparison, Attack on Oppai gets everything wrong. It feels weak and flops around far too much which makes it difficult to get a decent grip. Also I had a confusing moment the first time I used this, as the palm of my hand was mysteriously getting covered in lube. This onahole is so paper thin that it started leaking out from the back. Crazy.

Even sticking a finger in there and pressing against the back was enough to put major stress on it. Thrusting up and down means you’re constantly going to be hitting that weak spot, and it’ll likely just tear apart.

The internal structure reeeeaaally wasn’t thought out, which isn’t surprising. This was probably greenlit and designed over a lunch break one afternoon.

“That new Attack on Titan show is really popular”
“Oh? Guys would want to fuck that character, right? Attack on Titan”
“That’s… that’s not the name of a character”

I think the main problem is that the hole is positioned too high up. Sure, it looks a bit more realistic, but NO IT DOESN’T. BECAUSE THIS IS A RUBBER SEX TOY IN THE SHAPE OF A CREEPY TORSO.If Tamatoys had just gone with a straight path instead of that slight downhill stroll, this might have worked. There’s barely any padding there to protect poor Mikasa’s back. Most of the attention has gone into those big ‘ol breasts, which just end up throwing it off balance.

I couldn’t feel any stimulation from the ribbed walls in there. Shit, I didn’t even know the end had those bumps and notches until I looked at the internal promo shots again. I’d imagine lubing up a hot dog bun and masturbating with that whilst stomping all over the place with a goofy expression would make for a much more interesting and authentic experience.

Attack on Oppai would probably be good as a funny gift to hardcore fans of the series. “It’s for storing jellybeans” you could say, licking your lips. It’s a bloody dreadful onahole though.

Only waaaaah-ne thing can make it better.

Final score: Humanity is doomed/10