Magical Girl Holy Princess! – Man, screw this game

Product: Magical Girl Holy Princess!
Manufacturer: Out Vision
Retailers: NLS
Artwork: Haruyama Kazunori

For a while there I wasn’t sure if this was an onahole that came with a bonus game, or a game that came with a bonus onahole. There are so many different Engrish listings for this product and logos on the box. Eventually I stopped caring, as my mind soon wandered to an alternative history where San Francisco Rush was bundled with a masturbation toy.

I’m not sure how it’d interact with the game though. Maybe every time your car got airborne it’d blurt out “IT’S DANGEROUS” and violently vibrate with a souped-up Rumble Pak on the tip… which would have to be connected to the back of the N64 controller. Hmm. Awkward. And so many pulverised dicks before the second lap.

But rest in RIP Midway; what we’ve got here is a special edition of Softhouse-Seal’s PC eroge Magical Girl Holy Princess! combined with an onahole by Out Vision. They’re the household names you know and trust, finally together at last.

That’s a box alright. CD’s up front and centre, and there’s a few screenshots in the corner there. Wait, is that middle one teeeeentacl-

Yup. Way to spoil the ending, guys.

Opening it up, you get the disc, a purple onahole and a really decent sized bottle of lube. Also a chunk of cardboard filler, which has unlimited possibilities. I guess I’m a tad disappointed the CD just comes in a sleeve, because a standalone boxed version exists somewhere in the depths of Japan’s fish market bargain bins. Then again, maybe I could keep the big box and pretend it’s a PC release from 1992.

While the game is called Magical Girl Holy Princess!, I’m not sure if the onahole itself has a product name. It sorta looks like a log of purple shit, so um, I dunno. Guess I’ll refer to it as Grimace Groin from here on out.

Eugh – this is straight out of the box. Covered in flaky bits and discoloured splotches with a cheap oily smell, it’s not exactly the most appealing thing. Maybe we’ll find some dinosaur DNA in there. On the upside, Grimace Groin is made of some pretty tough material.

I’ve got no clue if it should be obvious or not, but Out Vision have designed it to resemble a tentacle (fitting in with the game’s theme). Its unique texture gives you a solid grip, which you probably wouldn’t get with an actual squid. The very first onahole I reviewed on this word-bucket was the same idea, and I still don’t understand the appeal in pretending you’re fucking the tentacle itself. Maybe the fantasy would play out better if you used it on a blow-up doll, or inside another onahole. Actually, wow – there’s a challenge.

It’s okay. Bit too small, but easily stretches out. The inner design is filled with pretty chunky bumps and notches, with a particularly heavy cluster of them near the entrance. Geez, there’s something nasty about the word ‘cluster’ in this delicate subject matter. ‘Custard’ might be even worse. Or delicious.

That’s about it really. There’s nothing remarkable about Grimace Groin. The thing certainly feels sturdy – offers sufficient stimulation – and manages to fulfil the basic task of being an inanimate object, but it’s about on par with 60,000 other simplistic onaholes.

Buuuut at around $35, this Magical Girl Holy Princess! package wasn’t exactly cheap. So is the game any good? Weeeeelllll…

(No.) The installation process almost took longer than viewing everything in the game. Magical Girl Holy Princess! starts off with two very majestic girls in the city rambling about whatever for a few minutes, then suddenly they’re in a dungeon. Oops! Now it’s tentacle time, and you’re given a menu screen to pick between different sex scenes. Jagged genitals ahoy.

Once you’ve exhausted them all, the game boots back to the title screen. Congratulations, you’ve unlocked all the pictures in the image gallery to relive those precious memories. It’s about 15 minutes long.

Or… you know, depends on how long you want to stare at the non-animated events with recycled moaning noises and the distinct sound effect of a staff member stickin’ their finger in a bowl of jelly. Exciting stuff.

So, yeah. The onahole offers the same sort of feedback as any number of much cheaper toys, and the game’s rubbish. Magical Girl Holy Princess! was not a wise purchase, but I’m a sucker for unusual onahole bundles.

At least the included bottle of lube’s good! Super thick ‘n comfy stuff that’ll last a while. Maybe. The bottle makes it somewhat difficult to get just a small drop out. Instead an enormous blob forms, and nothing can stop that beast’s slow descent. It’s basically the Moon from Majora’s Mask in an even more erotic form.

Oh well. The onahole is perfect for Waluigi.

Final score: Not winning love by daylight.