Artwork: 張久

In the interest of sloppy science, I decided to check out this year’s Sexpo in Sydney. It’s an expo about sex. Sexpo. What a clever name! “My contribution to this event is done,” the founder proclaimed, dusting their hands together whilst attempting to leave the room. “Someone turn this doorknob for me, yeah?”

Sexpo’s been an annual thing in Australia (along with South Africa and more recently China) since the mid-90’s, and as far as our local one went, it… kinda felt like everything was still trapped in time.

I mean, it’s a sweaty gathering hole for people to buy sex toys, porn videos and watch a few strip shows. Sexpo is basically the place to be if you’ve never heard of the internet.

But with so many vendors attending, I thought for sure some of them would be selling onaholes. Not just Fleshlight’s trademark ‘better take out a loan’ variety, but stuff from Japanese companies that have been repackaged for the local market. These actually exist in the dank depths of adult stores. Seventeen Bordeaux from Toy’s Heart, for example.

And shit, that probably would have made for a slightly relevant blog post! Imagine the confused looks from staff as some dickhead with a camera starts taking selfies next to a stack of cardboard boxes. So off I ventured, ‘VIP’ pass in hand (anyone can be very important for an extra ten bucks). It promised discount prices on rides (!), cheap lap dances, and a bonus showbag. So keen on that showbag.

The expo was held at Sydney’s Entertainment Quarter, which is comprised of the football stadium, cricket grounds and Fox Studios. SPORTS ‘N SHIT. Being a Friday night, there was quite a crowd waiting to get in.

… For the football. I walked around to the Sexpo hall and it was a total ghost town. Still, it was only 6:30 or so. Got my lanyard and showbag – “there’s a vibrator in there” the guy told me straight away with an oddly concerned look on his face. Neat, thanks.

Entered the section where all the stage shows take place, and… welp. There were about ten other people there, just sitting around looking at their phones. The next show wasn’t going to start for another 40 minutes, so I went for a look around at the stalls. Spa baths? Limousine rentals? Paintball? Are you fucking kidding me? A retirement expo would be more exciting than this, if only due to the accidental nip slip display of tits sagging onto the floor.

At least there was uh, ‘Super Gifts’, with their lewd figures and Goku’s. Hentai Goku.

Wow that Legend of Bootleg, so hot.

But there was a whole other building to explore over the other side, maybe that’s where all the action’s aaaaa- nope.

This one was filled with repeating vendors selling the exact same stock – for the exact same price – in a desperate attempt to pad the place out. If you’re in the market for a shitload of generic condoms or maybe that one single brand of dildo everyone’s trying to flog, you’re in luck!

“How can we spice up our sex life?”
“Maybe wear nine condoms at once?”
“Oh. Thanks, Sexpo”

Browsing the stalls at a fairly rapid pace, I felt this crushingly awkward atmosphere sweep over the convention. It was terrible. Way too quiet, empty and nobody was making eye contact. At one point I needed to fart, but feared it might echo throughout the entire convention for hours on end.

Eventually towards the back I found some interesting things, like someone giving out free ‘ice cream’ which was actually just cold lube piled into a cone. The regret was real. Despite the rumours, a mouthful of chocolate-flavoured lubricant is not a suitable alternative to dairy.

The rides were mysteriously nowhere to be seen, but they did have a couple of games set up where you could win butt plugs and cock rings. You know, the same shit you win at regular carnivals.

I had a go of that ‘Drop Your Balls’ one (sorry, my camera is dreadful) and won a pair of plastic handcuffs. Satisfied with my ball-handling skills, I figured I might as well find the Fleshlight booth and grab a few photos of th- wait. Wait. Oh jesus christ that middle one is terrifying.

I WAS SHOVING IMPLIED TESTICLES DOWN A PENIS. A PENIS ON TOP OF A BODY. AN ACTUAL DICKHEAD.

I’m going to wake up one night and see that thing pulsing in the corner of my room. Anyway, the Fleshlight booth wasn’t exactly what I was expecting. You couldn’t buy Fleshlights there, or even see any on display. Bwa? You could pay to have your photo taken with some porn stars who were affiliated with the company though. Great! What a waste of fucking time.

Later on I saw them Tweeting about how they gave a few people free Fleshlights after coughing up for the photo. Not bad, that’s probably an $87,000 saving compared to the regular price of a Fleshlight.

Oh, look at the time. Back to check out a stage show. The place was really bustling with excitement and activity now!

Eventually they announced it was okay for everyone to get closer to the stage, so we did. All twenty of us, cameras in hand. Heavy breathing.

I like the perspective on this shot. Is she standing on the speaker? No. Is that even a speaker? I don’t know. Maybe. It really makes you think.

With nothing better to do, I stuck around for a few shows after this. They were pretty good I guess. Would slump around like a gawky weirdo again/10. There seemed to be less and less nudity as the night went on, which was just uh. Yeah. Whatever.

Then they brought out the nightmare-inducing Sexpo mascots to scare people into going home.

FUCK.

Basically, Sexpo is a total waste of time if you’re there for obscure Japanese-made dick sleeves. What a shock! The Australian one anyway. By comparison, Shanghai’s 2014 Sexpo looked bloody incredible.

Also I was curious about this dodgy looking ‘Raw’ DVD that was in the showbag. Seemingly it’s a bit of a cult-classic softcore porno from the 80’s? I tried watching it. I really did.

I couldn’t make it past the first five minutes.