Why yes, onahole vending machines are a thing

From a vending machine-crazed country historically famous for putting creamed corn right next to very similar looking cans of lemon drink to create the ultimate flavour gamble, being able to buy an onahole from one really isn’t that surprising.

But out in the middle of nowhere, through dedicated tin sheds of shame? Sure, maybe. Maybe! There’s this guy I’m subscribed to on YouTube who pretty much films anything and everything he comes across in Japan, and one day he stumbled upon this setup. On the side of a road. Up in the mountains.

It looks dingy as all fuck, but man. That’s some convenience right there.

He pans the camera around way too quick to get a proper glimpse inside most of the machines, but it seems you can get all sorts of stuff for a fancy forest funtime. Holes, vibrators, condoms, lube, lingerie, (used?) undies. Possibly even food and drink. Like creamed corn, which could function as almost anything listed above.

Onahole-wise, Tenga’s all over the place, but there are a few posters for Magic Eyes’ toys. I’d recognise that Mouth of Truth artwork anywhere. Guess you can buy them too. Or just risk spending 3,000 yen only for the run-down machine to fail.

I love that it’s completely unmanned though; really adds a magical Disney-esque touch to the atmosphere. It’d be so hot in those sheds during the Summer. You can almost smell the caked on layers of semen adorning the walls and floor from here.

Imagine some poor guy’s in there – he’s been lost in the mountains for days and couldn’t figure out how to masturbate with nature. Pinecone shards are still wedged in his groin. Notes and coins slip out of his sweaty, frantic hands. Suddenly his face contorts. “No, I didn’t make it in tiiiiime” he screams. “My erectiioooooon!” Dropping to his knees, a clenched fist slowly thumps on the vending machine’s panel.

Truly emotio-wait, what’s with the rusty locked boxes? I saw two of ’em in the video. Can you just shove your dick directly in? Dunno, bit of an awkward position for that. Also the whole tetanus thing. Google tried to tell me the spelling for that was Tetris. Good.

Update: They say rubbish on them. That makes sense! Thanks, @YukiMishima_

Really though, this is pretty great. Just that it merely exists. Finding one of these has shot up to my number one thing to do in Japan. It’d even double as accommodation.