Taking a chance with the SEXY BOX mystery

So how about them gashapon machines, huh? Stumbling into a random Japanese department store and seeing huge clusters of them lined up – or sometimes entire shops that exist purely to trap small children in their maze-like structure of capsule toy dispensing death traps – yeah man, pretty much a tourist attraction all by itself.

Mostly because so many of them are just so bloody weird. Like they’re scraping the bottom of the barrel for possible toys to collect with dogs taking dumps, shopping trolleys and various pot plants. Then again, there’s certainly been some rad one of a kind machines floating around. Or rather, three of a kind. I saw some in Akihabara which had custom carts for various old machines pre-loaded with chiptune music. Gnarly. Bodacious.

And then there’s the sex stores. Because shit, of course these have gashapon. From what I’ve seen so far they mostly revolve around underwear. For anywhere between 200 to 500 yen you can gamble on some random undies (new, mind you).

If you see them advertised as used then there’s a 400% chance some factory worker has just scuffed a new pair across the toilet floor for a minute or so. No way you’re not gettin’ authentic piss dribbles for under 500 yen.

Another popular variety mostly in adult DVD shops is the Tenga ones – with or without it being inside an actual capsule to enhance the mystery. So yeah, 500 yen for a random variety of Tenga Egg. Pretty boring, but sometimes a tiny bit cheaper (maybe 30-ish yen) than just choosing one off the shelf.

Might as well use it right there while flicking through the books. Or just shove your dick right in the hole where the Tenga rolls out? That’s a quality (and convenient) night out filled with free entertainment.

But farting around in Osaka, I found my way into the adult section of a duty-free mega store. The ones that try and get tourists excited with signs saying ‘JAPAN HAS NO TAX THE BEST THING FOR YOU’ above a dusty dancing clown shoe or something. I think it was a Don Quijote, but like a really shit one.

The onaholes were expensive as fuck and their overall selection of anything was fairly limited. Then just as I was heading back out, I saw two gashapon machines underneath the anal plugs.

Holy shit, a SEXY BOX. For just 500 yen, I could potentially let’s enjoy. Man, there’s no way I was going to pass this up. It could be anything! Even a boat!

As my sweaty hand shook with anticipation and coins, I glanced at the part where the capsule toy pops out and thought I’d be getting mutton dressed as lamb, like a soggy ball of bubblegum with a note attached saying “CHEWED BY REAL HOT GIRL”. It was too small for an onahole to be crammed in. It didn’t even look like a Tenga Egg could fit.

Turning the handle with that trademark clunk, a small piece of plastic dropped down. ‘Exchange at counter’ it said. Oh boy! So off I wandered out of the adult toy section – which was directly next to the children’s toys – and awkwardly gave the girl behind the counter my lime green jackpot.

This is what she handed back.

It’s um, Rafflesia by KMP! Oh. So yeah, these are just super cheap and nasty looking disposable onaholes. Seemingly there’s a whooole heap though, so I guess there’s a market for ‘some women are naked on the packaging but some aren’t’ toys.

The one I got is ‘Earth’ type. Huh. If you combine them all, does Captain Planet appear to give you a handjob or something? That’d be nice.

Absoluuuuute shit. The onahole’s tiny, sticky and smells like a traffic accident. Just look at this thing!

Look at it!

LOOK AT IIIITTTTTT!!

Fuck me. The side of it ripped open as soon as I tried to slide the stupid thing on. Then lube went all over the bed and I thought “sure glad I don’t have to clean this up in the morning” before proceeding to spill beer and chips on the sheets.

Our hotel was situated right in the middle of the area’s red light district, but really, I think that night was by far the most exciting anyone anywhere was having.

Thank you, SEXY BOX.