I went to Takarajima 24, an onahole internet cafe

Internet cafes where you’re actually encouraged to have a wank? Sure, why not.

I had absolutely no clue at first though. Hopping off at various train stations dotted around Tokyo, it felt like I kept seeing the same jerk hanging off a clock. He’d almost always be somewhere close by, showing total disregard for the fine craftsmanship of precision timing.

“Is that fuckin’ Milton?” I thought to myself, incorrectly remembering the game Milon’s Secret Castle. No matter. He was Milton now and forever – the little-known evil brother.

I swear Milton, you’re going to breaking those hands off and hurt someone one of these days.

But aside from the completely irrational anger that boiled within from such a seemingly simple cartoon character, I never paid much attention to what these establishments were. They kinda just seemed like boring video rental stores or something.

Then one day I took a closer look; smooshing my face into the curious 18+ signs, the promise of ‘relaxation’ and more importantly some just had posters of tits and onaholes out the front. It suddenly became very clear I needed to check one of these out.

This is ‘Takarajima 24’ (宝島24), a chain of internet cafes where you can feel right at home (hunched over in a confined space with your pants and the lights both off).

For the sake of this feature thingy, I visited one of them along the backstreets of Akihabara. Tokyo’s sex toy mecca seemed like the most appropriate location, and there was even a KFC nearby. Perfect.

So, the idea is everyone gets to rent their own little private room. There are a lot of them. All equipped with a computer and big-ass TV, you can choose what kind of seating arrangement you’d like (reclining chair, massage chair, reclining mat, cabin room or just a plain old mat) and how long you want to stay.

There’s an (assumingly) popular one-hour limit, all the way up to twelve hours. These places are usually riiiight next to a train station which is perfect for anyone who missed the last train home and needs somewhere to sleep – and masturbate – for the night.

(Here’s a different one!)

‘Night courses’ run from 10pm to 10am for just 2,100 yen. And hell, for that price it’s just cheap accommodation in general – not even a capsule hotel can compete. These hours can change depending on the store location though. I saw some others that’d let you check in much earlier, or even offered a full 24 hour stay.

But that one hour option? Yeah, just 550 yen. I went for that.

Entering through the heavily tinted sliding doooooOOOH-

PORN. Rows and rows of it. Shit everywhere. Well, not really – there was just a single row for scat.

But wow, so many shelves stacked high with DVDs as soon as you enter. Some were completely normal movies or TV series, but they were sandwiched between heavily pixelated bukkake sleeves.

Takarajima 24’s basically got you covered no matter what. They had DVDs for fetishes I didn’t even know existed, like women coated in gold body paint? Living statues or something? There were multiple releases for that genre.

And as much as I wanted to show my enthusiasm at this vast bounty and punch Milton in the balls, I soon found myself awkwardly shuffling past other guys meticulously combing through discs, occasionally glancing up as if to say ‘what the hell are you doing here?’ with their eyeballs and flared nostrils. Sorry man, I didn’t know the office-lady-facesitting section was your turf.

I ended up grabbing a fairly generic looking lesbian DVD and headed for the ticket machine.

No matter how long you stay at Takarajima 24, you’re entitled to borrow up to I think… five (?) movies or comics at any given time. Once you’re done, bring ’em back to the counter and grab something different. If a DVD doesn’t have a yellow ‘OK’ tag on it (seen above), that means someone else is currently cumming all over it.

After throwing some yens into a machine to secure a room, I took my ticket to the counter and very few words were exchanged with the employee. Sitting behind a roller shutter shrouded in darkness, he was basically a pair of floating hands as far as I could tell. Fox only. Final destination.

He then handed over a basket full of stuff, pointed at a door to the lower level and… that was it. Neat. My room number (and time limit) were printed on the receipt. It’s a simple, painless process. Even the machine is simple enough to understand despite having no English instructions.

I almost wish I’d picked out some more extreme porn DVDs to see if I could get a reaction. Oh well.

So downstairs I went.

It was really quiet down here – which I was thankful for – but also kind of spooky. Especially as I’d just come from a room blaring about seven different moaning pornos over the sound system simultaneously.

I opened the door to my personal room™ and… welp. It was sorta cramped.

Sorta real cramped. This shot was taken right from the doorway and here’s literally the entire room. Essentially a chair in front of a desk.

In retrospect I wish I’d at least chosen the massage chair, since this was just a reclining one. Pretty sure I panicked when selecting a room and mashed the very first option. I just wanted to look cool in front of the elderly gentlemen wearing trench coats.

Jesus, those are some serious ass prints. Like fuck, you can even distinctly make out each clenched cheek. Just thinking of how many sweaty, hairy butts have sat in this thing and dribbled cum all over it got me looking at my watch to see how much time had passed. Not an hour yet? Psshh.

But alright though, let’s take a look at what we’ve got here.

Ultra low quality photos, that’s what!

There’s the computer for serious xHamster internet browsing complete with multiple USB slots if you want to go on a download frenzy (lighting fast internet!) The DVD player was next to it, and a large HDTV above.

On the wall was a list of things you could order to the room. Reasonably priced snacks and drinks, and a shitload of onaholes. Or rather, ‘JOKE GOODS’. The cheapest option was a 200 yen foam cup, then everything else from disposable Tenga cups to proper reusable holes. These were typically between the 1,000-2,000 yen mark.

Honestly, not bad.

You can even order a pair of 100% legit totally authentic used panties! Guaranteed to not just be some new underwear that a janitor rubbed against the bathroom floor. Honest.

I wonder if they’re trying to tell people to use a tissue when handling the sacred ‘joke good’ telephone.

That’s the room then. It had everything I needed to masturbate in it (my penis, haha s-JOKE GOODS). I plopped my basket and bag down, took off my shoes and pants… as you do. Let’s see what we’ve got here.

Wireless headphones to keep all the exciting noise to yourself, the DVD(s) you chose, three individually wrapped moist towelettes straight from Colonel Sanders, and…

… a condom? Alrighty! I’m not sure of the exact rules for Takarajima 24, but this kinda makes it pretty clear you’re allowed to invite a ‘guest’ into your room. Cool.

Or maybe it’s to prevent the onahole from tearing off your skin. Here’s the uh, Himapara Young? This is a ‘Takarajima original’, so you know it’ll be good. The best part is I absolutely expected the bonus onahole to just be a fucking foam cup, and YEP.

Still! Sometimes they’re kind of bearable, and it’s completely unfair to bitch about a free wank cup.

So I put the disc in, skipping past the first fifteen minutes or so where everyone was just talking into the camera and occasionally lifting their skirt to have a giggle.

“Check out my joke goods, Milton-san” she whispered. “NO” he boomed. “IT’S TIIIIIIME”. Suddenly the camera falls to the ground and you see Milton in the background, hanging off a wall clock with his erection.

Ah, right. That extreme censorship. At least it worked here, as I imagine a heavily jagged vagina would almost be on par with this coarse, compacted foam cup fun time.

Honestly, Himapara Young wasn’t that bad. It came pre-lubed, and they’d made sure to absolutely drown the thing which meant masturbation was uh, incredibly sloppy. Even despite taking it slow because I didn’t want the cup to fall apart and go everywhere.

But with that out-of-the-way, now what? Here I was – half-naked on a chair likely coated with several thousand layers of bodily related juices – carefully balancing a loaded onahole. Fantastic.

Do I just chuck this in the garbage as it is?

So then I took a proper look at the bin, and it changed everything. ‘Would you like to review what your life should be…?’ it asked, as I held an increasingly slippery foam cup filled with my sperm in a depressingly dark and tiny room whilst on holiday overseas.

This is… exactly what I’ve wanted to do with my life! Thanks, trash. With my existence now verified, the cum-soaked mess hit the bottom of the bin with a sickly squelch.

After that I tried to browse the internet for a bit, but this setup really isn’t too comfortable unless you’re laying back in the chair. And that doesn’t quite work with the keyboard and mouse tethered so close to the computer. So stuff it; I just chilled out for a bit on my phone.

With about 20 minutes still left on the clock, I decided to pack up my junk and go have a look around in search of a toilet. Hey, turns out there was one just a few doors down.

IT WAS FULL OF ONAHOLES.

Fuck wow. Handy if you’re too shy to order anything from the ‘joke goods’ line, I suppose? Or if you just want to get stuck into a toy whilst on the can maybe. Multitasking and all.

By the way, there was also a blue prepaid card (at a whopping 3,000 yen) in there. That’s so you can talk to this girl right here – on the back of the bathroom door.

Maybe she tells good jokes about joke goods while sensually describing her eternal quest to locate clothing and check if her vagina is still there every now and then.

“What if this whole bathroom is actually just dried sperm”.

Overall though, yep. Wandering into Takarajima 24 is okay if you want to masturbate in the comfort of not-your-own-home to a wide variety of DVDs that you wouldn’t be caught dead actually owning.

If your purpose is to actually get some work done though – or even have a nap – then eh, sure? It’ll do. That little room was surprisingly peaceful, and you can even rent stuff like blankets, pillows or towels (some locations have showers and everything).

… Just don’t think too hard about how much jizz is likely encrusted on every single surface of the establishment.

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Update (2017): Hmmm, seems the exact Takarajima 24 I visited in Akihabara has since been rebranded as a ‘Soft On Demand’ store (Google Street View). I believe the concept is the same though. You can still rent a room there and masturbate. In that order, please.

Be sure to check out the official Takarajima 24 website for a list of locations around Tokyo. There are exactly four bajillion.