Pineapple Hole – This product’s going to bomb

Product: Pineapple Hole ( パイナップルホール)
Manufacturer: Tamatoys
Measurements: length – 13cm, weight –120g
Retailers: Otona-Sekai / Amazon (US)* / Kanojo Toys*

– Retailers marked with * are affiliate links

Wee-ow, it’s an onahole that looks like a hand grenade. Nothing more, nothing less. I’d love to say my first reaction was “why” – without the need for a question mark and all – but honestly it was more along the lines of “oh cool that’s dumb” as I reached for my wallet.

Following their equally inspired onahole shaped like a bullet, Pineapple Hole is now Tamatoys’ second attempt at presumably catering to the niche military otaku market. Those guys love having sex with weapons, right?

At least it starts off with a bang – Tamatoys commissioned the excellent ‘girls with guns’ artist Daito for this cover.

So upon unwrapping it, Pineapple Hole pretty much looks like something you’d find in a discount store bundled with some G.I. Joe rip-off. One with a face that hasn’t been painted on correctly. This toy feels bloody disgusting. It’s the worst kind of rubber – probably the type they use for sticky hand toys.

Within seconds it’d picked up a smorgasbord of cat hair, dust and fuck knows what all over. Nobody wants a Sizzler simulation.

And yeah, it’s ridiculously tiny. Maybe this was to help disguise the thing as a regular toy grenade, so when friends pop over they’ll remark on how awesome that hairy-rubber-blob-dripping-with-sperm looks on the shelf. “Cool Call of Duty action figure, bro!” Your hands will find themselves proudly placed upon the overall hip region. Nobody will ever suspect a thing.

But really, good luck with this opening.

Despite the garbage factory build, Pineapple Hole is surprisingly stubborn at stretching out. I could barely even get a drop of lube in – there’s just no room at all. Attempting to then cram my dick inside was an exercise in frustration where it didn’t even matter how annoyed I got at the entire self-inflicted form of blue-balling. This onahole wasn’t having any of it.

After eventually slapping lube on myself instead, I managed to get inside. Magic School Bus style. What followed was a legit touch of fear. Not even kidding, it was as if my penis knew it shouldn’t be here. Pineapple Hole sort of just formed over the head like a second skin and it was terrifying. There’s nothing even in there! I mean, it has a ribbed design, but shit.

Might as well grab about twenty condoms and roll ’em all on at once for the same dull nightmare.

With the onahole now firmly attached and bouncing off the tip like I’d just fallen into Wile E. Coyote’s secret stash crotch-first, attempting to pull the onahole down any further was futile. But I was sweating hardcore. It felt like the grenade could burst at any moment, so props to Tamatoys for that.

 

As I’m stubborn and/or lazy, I ended up shooting a load into it anyway. I’m fairly certain it was my brain finally giving up on all the ‘STOP WHAT YOU’RE DOING’ warnings and just forcing everything into emergency flaccid shutdown mode. Total disaster.

The big question now is what’s next for Tamatoys? Perhaps they could target the vast Japanese idol fanbase by releasing an onahole shaped like a microphone or glow stick? How about train enthusiasts? I’m sure they could pump out a few Thomas the Tank Engine parody holes. I’d go for that.

In closing, Pineapple Hole is a dumb idea for a sex toy carried out with all the charm and imagination of a board meeting that agreed upon the basic concept and merely left it at that. Maybe the onahole could have been amusing if some actual thought went into it, but this isn’t even worthy as a ‘novelty el oh el’ gag gift.

Plus it’s about twenty bucks, which is crazy. You’d be better off just fuckin’ a Super Soaker for all your weapon fetish needs. They’d be easier to clean, too.

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