La vie en ROSES – Hold it close and hold it fast

Product: La vie en ROSES
Manufacturer: Magic Eyes
Measurements: length – 17cm, weight – 700g
Retailers: Toy Demon* / Otona-Sekai / Kanojo Toys* / otonaJP / NLS / J-List* / Motsu Toys / My Onahole / Cool MST*
Artwork: Kekocha

– This product was provided by otonaJP for masturbation review purposes
– Retailers marked with * are affiliate links

They did it you guys. They fuuuuckin’ did it. Magic Eyes turned a song from the 1940s into an onahole. Finally. It’s what everyone has been requesting for at least eighty years now.

You might have heard ‘La Vie en rose’ without knowing the name; I know I sure didn’t. My uncultured brain is pretty much reserved to storing the rules of Uno while everything else gets pushed out. I think Louis Armstrong’s version is probably the one that was… mostly featured in movies or whatever.

Like whenever they want to show an emotional scene with old people being old? Better make sure there’s some LA VIE EN ROSE.

Highly recommended listening to go along with this review.

That’s a quality thumbnail for a sex toy review.

With ‘La Vie en rose’ meaning something along the lines of ‘Life in pink’, Magic Eyes have obviously made this onahole about a girl who fell into a giant rose one day and couldn’t be arsed getting back out again. Get it? She’s the life in pink. Geddit? The rose is pi–draw four. WILD CARD.

Perhaps the rose petals were very thick and now over time nobody can tell the difference between what’s going on downstairs. What a mystery.

The front cover shows her before the ill-fated flower incident, and overall the box is really nice and sturdy.

However at this stage I really wish Magic Eyes would step up their lube game; these single-use packets flopping around massive boxes are useless. Once you make a tear in the packet that shit oozes out everywhere except the hole.

“AWAAAUUUH HEEWWWUURR HEWR HEWR”

Picking up La vie en ROSES, the onahole is a lot bouncier than I expected. At 700g there’s some solid weight here, yet most of that is in the bottom half making the entire thing feel very unbalanced. This was off-putting at first, but it soon becomes clear why Magic Eyes have designed it this way.

It’s so you can do this.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=swXYtge6Ae4

Also yeah, how about that borderline prolapsed opening eh. I’m sure someone on the design team thought this was sexy in a vagina-caught-in-an-air-lock sci-fi kinda way. Thankfully this doesn’t just look hilarious, it’s seriously a nice addition to the onahole.

Watching your dick get swallowed between them is oddly satisfying as it is, but then they kinda get stuck to your shaft. A lot. Meaning the opening will stretch and very slowly judder up and down creating an additional thick level of sensation outside of the actual tunnel.

Almost as if you were fucking someone underwater, but along comes an octopus wrapping a tentacle around the base of your dick. It winks, offering that extra support you never knew you wanted or needed.

Inside La vie en ROSES the texture is pretty mild, but the walls are tight creating a lot of squishy pressure. Due to this thing being extremely bottom-heavy, every time you yank the onahole there’s a huge burst of stimulation. It comes down hard; like the entire thing’s collapsing around your dick.

This works best only when you’re holding the onahole straight up though. Grip it just above the vagina bones and bam, right on your crotch. So don’t have a wank whilst dangling over a balcony or anything – it’ll throw off the impact.

But hang on, there’s a whole other hole to explore!

Yeah, La vie en ROSES also has an anal option. Going by the image above, this is the true pink life. The asshole on this thing is bloody tiny, and my first time trying it was way too clumsy. It felt like I was crushing half the onahole into a ball just trying to get my dick inside.

But after that failed attempt it seems things got stretched out enough to work the next time. Aaaand it’s alright. Nothin’ too special. There’s a noticeable ribbed lining, but overall the butt’s just lacking… something? Maybe I’m after something a tad rougher. I dunno. Good review 10/10.

Still, I like that Magic Eyes even included it in a handheld onahole – that’s pretty rare. Switching between the holes mid-masturbation is fun too. Especially at a rapid pace.

“Which hole am I going to cum in” I question, missing both and getting a load all over my hand instead. “Hello old friend, it’s been a while”.

However it doesn’t all come up smelling of roses here. With both tunnels connected in the middle and only one dick to fill them, the free hole is going to push out a lot of noisy air. Sounds like you’re throat-fucking a giraffe with a battering ram made of butter.

Also not just air; you’ll get your lube and cum dribbled (or shot) back out. To be fair this likely couldn’t have been avoided with such a cramped handheld onahole, but yeah.

Either bring a friend or prepare for potential mess all over your balls.

Plus La vie en ROSES does this weird thing where lube seems to completely vanish inside, drying out to the point where I’ve had to reapply lube multiple times within the space of just ten minutes. Then of course all of it magically turns up again at the end.

Aside from that, La vie en ROSES is a fun onahole. There’s a real nice ‘thud’ with each stroke, and everything’s so… clumpy you can really smash into it like your dick is a pottery wheel and you’re trying to spin a clay mug on top.

Personally I would have liked the material to be tougher for more punishing stimulation, but that’s me. I’d be happy with a hole in a rock.

TL;DR

+ Makes good use of its weight to deliver a big wave of stimulation with each thrust
+ Gigantic lips look hilarious in motion and manage to add to the experience
+ Squishy material means you can get rough without fear of breaking something. Like your shaft
+ Two holes to choose from

– Incredibly noisy
– Can be messy
– Has trouble distributing lube, meaning you’ll need to keep putting more and more in
– The asshole is difficult to spread open