Uniform NUDE Cup: Blazer R – Stripping simulator

Product: Uniform NUDE Cup: Blazer
Manufacturer: Magic Eyes
Measurements: length – 16.5cm, weight – 160g
Retailers: Kanojo Toys* / Otona-Sekai / otonaJP / Motsu Toys / NLS / Love Merci
Header image: Piromizu

– This product was provided by Motsu Toys for masturbation review purposes
– Retailers marked with * are affiliate links

While the entire concept of a premium priced disposable onahole kinda confuses me, perhaps it’s the added factor of having to import shit which loses out on a crucial factor. Like, I guess if single-use masturbation toys were sold in roughly 102% of all retail outlets like they are Japan, maybe I’d see the appeal in wanting to randomly splurge on a deluxe one-night stand with myself.

After all, sometimes I stop by the local supermarket and get an erection over discounted cookies, you know? A regular wank won’t cut it; gotta have a fancy wank. And where’s my cum going to go about that in a nearby public bathroom? The cookies? No. They would be stale and unpleasant.

It’s probably a good thing then that onahole companies are starting to put some creative effort into their expensive disposable endeavours. For example, last year I tried out Tenga’s Hot Tenga which had the absurd ability to self-heat. Sure it wasn’t exactly convenient and defeated its own purpose in life, but the thought was there.

Now there’s the Uniform NUDE Cup series from Magic Eyes.

Uniform NUDE Cup: Blazer R and Uniform NUDE Cup: Sailor S have titles that’d put Square Enix to shame, but damn if their presentation isn’t amazing. You’d sure hope so considering the asking price (almost twenty bucks). Man. These would look good just sitting on the shelf as a collector’s item. Think of the resale value on eBay in a few years! “Only used once”.

The gimmick here is that you have to undress them before plowing in, basically.

Motsu Toys kindly provided me with Uniform NUDE Cup: Blazer R to check out, and yeah, the detail on that plastic uniform wrap is pretty amazing.

The pocket even has an ‘ME’ emblem, which stands for Magic Eyes. Can you imagine the board room meeting for that one? Someone probably had the smuggest look on their face after realising nobody had any better ideas.

To start off, you’ve gotta rip away the skirt. This was bizarrely tough to fumble with!

Then simply remove the bottom cap, aaaaannnnd…

Panties? Panties. Sure. Exactly like the real sexual experience of undressing someone; first you pop off their plastic cap and bam, underwear in a foil seal.

This is just the lube, but I like that Magic Eyes went that extra mile. The lube packet you get is randomised, meaning you can trade with friends. It’d be the new hit sensation. Like Pogs, but your crotch is the slammer.

So exactly like Pogs then.

Pretty sure Magic Eyes have left the level of stripping up to whatever you desire, but it’s a plastic wrap. Plastic which makes a really uncomfortable crinkly noise. Might as well just fuck a bag of chips in the cinema. So I took it all off, and hey. It’s fine. I think there’s a belly button, and hard raised bits? Everything you need.

Dribble in your liquefied-goo panties.

Uniform NUDE Cup: Blazer R and Uniform NUDE Cup: Sailor S are completely different inside, with Blazer R (this one) offering the most variety. Sailor S is more of a straight forward ridged tunnel.

For starters, the material is surprisingly tough. You know those bouncy super ball things that you’d get from capsule toy machines? Peg ’em at the ground and lose ’em seconds later? Yeah, those. Uniform NUDE Cup: Blazer R feels like it’s made from a giant fuckable super ball. The entrance barely shifts to accommodate your penis.

Once you’re inside though, the textures are fairly mild. Comes down hard with an oddly satisfying burst of air, but all round the sensation is very easy-going. It’s definitely nice for a disposable onahole at least, better than any Tenga Egg I’ve tried. Certainly better than two-dollar foam cups (precious horrible memories).

There’s a little sticker on top I’d highly suggest peeling back before use, as it controls the pressure level. Just jam your thumb over to see what you like during use. Leave it blocked for too long and you might inflate your penis to the deadly level of ‘Popeye arm’. While I’m not a doctor, I highly recommend not potentially dying and/or eating spinach.

And honestly, that’s about it for Uniform NUDE Cup: Blazer R. I don’t know what else to talk about here. It’s a nice onahole designed for one use, but it’s also very expensive. Unless you’re buying this as a joke gift for someone – because that’s what friends do, they buy each other masturbation toys nothing suss – you miiiight as well just keep saving for a proper onahole.

Of course, there’s no rule against attempting to reuse a disposable onahole. If you’re careful you might get Uniform NUDE Cup: Blazer R to survive a few rounds.

Mine was falling apart after the first go, but it wasn’t a total write-off.

Not until I tore it open to see what was inside, that is.

And then gutted the insides and turned the plastic shell into some kind of horrendous Macaulay Culkin shrine.

I dislike myself.

Uniform NUDE Cup: Blazer R

+ Lots of attention to detail
+ Pretty fancy stuff for a disposable, single-use product
+ You can turn it into an art project

– For that price you could almost get yourself a proper onahole that’s designed to last a while