Trying out eBay’s cheapest onahole

Product: chaotic keyword spamming nightmare
Manufacturer: Diose
Measurements: length – 13cm, weight – 220g
Retailers: man_shrugging.jpg

So for some inexplicable reason eBay has been showering my account with various discount coupons over the last few months. It’s pretty good. From what I can tell these are (maybe?) meant for like high-level sellers as a reward for lining the pockets of Mr. Fuckin’ eBay himself, but I haven’t successfully sold anything on eBay for about a year now.

I mean, I’m definitely not complainin’ here – don’t exactly want to question this too hard in case the coupons vanish – but it could almost be the basis for an unexplained mystery special hosted by the corpse of a straight-to-infomercial actor.

Mostly because the coupons have only worked for one very specific thing… Russell Grant’s Astrology on Nintendo DS.

As a result I now have a fair few copies of Russell Grant’s Astrology on Nintendo DS. It’s surely very nice for everyone involved, as I get more Russell Grant’s Astrology, and sellers who have desperately tried to flog off their unwanted copies of Russell Grant’s Astrology for years can finally rid themselves of it.

Russell Grant’s Astrology.

BUT! Some of these coupons were site-wide or some shit, and I had run out of Russell’s glorious chins. Bought ’em all for zero dollars. Why not… why not see what kind of mutated sex toys eBay has to offer?

I’ve kinda wanted to do something like this for Wish or AliExpress for ages now, but all of those sorta joints end up costing billions when you factor in Australian shipping so oh well.

Here’s uh… uuuUUHHHHH Lubricant With Pocket Pussy Vagina Realistic Sex Doll Onahole Waterproof AU. Wow fuck, my erection is already out the door with a sexy name like that. This was officially the cheapest sex toy I could find on eBay that actually mentioned ‘onahole’ in its pure epileptic fit of a product title.

Now already, $15.90 is already surprisingly decent considering shipping is included. But thanks to potentially sacrificing another copy of big Russ, I got it for all of $2.15.

Dunno what the hell was going on with some of the product shots though.

‘Walking World & Sexy’? What does that even mean? It’s like a catcall from a robotic cheese sandwich attempting to blend in at the construction site.

Fast-forward a few days and the postie left the package outside in the bushes. He fuckin’ knew.

– Unboxing / Presentation – 

I genuinely didn’t expect this thing to even have packaging, let alone something with stolen anime art, so imagine my absolute delight to see ‘FANTASIC PRODUCTS FOR ADULTS’ right there.

And after literal decades of research, I’ve determined this thing is made by a company called Diose. They have a website (diosetoy.com) which doesn’t work and a basic Google search for them results in a handful of generic AliExpress and Amazon links. Pretty much exactly what you’d expect.

Seeing this article pop up on the first page was pretty funny though:

But yeah, I still have no idea what this product is actually called. There’s nothing on the box itself and that eBay listing was just a mess of BIG PUSSY VAGINA SEX keywords. This onahole could be ancient stock for all I know; maybe sittin’ around in someone’s garage and/or anus for years on end.

It is a mystery.

At first glance everything seems pretty alright – there’s some decent detail considering the price point. You’ve got some breasts to fiddle with, maybe even a nipple or two. There’s a vagina down there…

… which is the size of an ant who gets bullied for being too small by the local ant gang. Like, fuck man. This opening is ridiculously tiny and there’s very little give to it.

Also had a bunch of mysterious black spots on there which is exactly what I’m looking for in terms of bonus content.

Hell, the hole at the TOP is considerably larger and more inviting. It’s like a kaleidoscope in there! I had no idea it’d be an onahole that goes all the way through, but it’s somewhat comforting knowing there’s an easy escape route.

Though after the initial half-second visual check to confirm it’s something a penis could maybe go inside, the smell of this thing hits and it hits hard. It’s absolutely fucking vile, good lord. As if a tractor is doing donuts in your nose hair; twisting them into fabulous locks that onlookers would surely scream at.

Worse still (!) is how the material feels. Diose have somehow captured the sensation of handling a slippery fish fresh from the depths of hell. Why. Who would even put such an accomplishment on their resume.

It doesn’t even look greasy, but IT SURE FEELS LIKE IT. My fingers were effortlessly sliding over it yet also sinkin’ right in at the same time.

I didn’t even try the lube, but I’m sure there’s at least a 6% chance it won’t cause death.

Shortly after taking these unboxing photos I could feel a bit of a tingling on the tips of my fingertips, but kinda ignored it. “Whatever bro, time for ye olde erection-e” I told myself. Theeeen the burning, itching sensation took over. My fingers felt like they were on fire, and not even in an NBA Jam kinda way.

I casually scratched my neck a few seconds later with the same hand I’d been fondling this wank blob with and immediately spread the fiery itch.

Pretty sure all this photo proves is that I’ve got grey hairs in my hobo beard, but holy shit my neck immediately lit up.

It was at this moment I finally realised the value in all those years worth of articles warning about the dangers of dodgy sex toys.

BUT WE’RE GOIN’ IN HEY.

– Feeling –

Man, just getting into this thing in the first place is some straight up brain-teaser, ball-scratchin’ logic puzzle type shit. The entrance is SO SMALL and fiddly.

You basically have to violently wiggle your head in to the point where half the onahole just gets completely crushed as your cock bulldozes through. Maybe grasp your shaft with one hand and sorta awkwardly peel the lips open with the other like you’re about to dock with a fuckin’ banana.

If you’re lucky you might actually penetrate it; if not then you get a mushy handful of potentially radioactive material doin’ shit all.

Once (if??) you do enter the forbidden realm you’ll proooobably find yourself simply getting stuck. It hugs on for dear life around the shaft and any attempt at movement feels like the walls are gonna rip apart.

Very erotic.

But easy enough, right? Just gotta dribble some more lube down through the top hole – that’ll get things movin’. And yeah! Except I ended up slipping right back out again.

There’s NO HOPE after your cock pops outta the onahole. Getting inside the first time is a time-management crisis, but doing it again once the entrance is coated in a mix of lube and pre-cum? Absolutely fucking impossible.

Shoving a dick back in that thing is like trying to force a solidified can of spaghetti into a toilet’s waste pipe in an attempt to cover up the fact that you saved up enough urine to flood the bowl in Ikea’s display room.

“Check this out old man” you’d proclaim, loudly pissing with a tear of determination in your eye. “My bladder, it is deflating”.

So met with such a challenge, the solution merely involves… fucking the onahole upside down. Use the other hole – that decapitated neck stump one on top.

Just don’t tell anyone.

And hey wow, using it upside down is just fine! I mean, as fine as this piece of shit gets. You can get in easily and all you have to do is ignore the fact that your cock is gonna look like it’s being birthed every time you poke all the way through.

After a while the tunnel even loosened up enough so I could switch holes without the process involving a team of scientists, and before I knew it I was havin’ a bit of a cum.

Partially out of fear I reckon. As if my dick just didn’t want to be in this onahole anymore.

Overall it, uh. It wasn’t a particularly interesting wank? Despite the tunnel being littered with bumps, I couldn’t really feel any of them whilst passing through on my scenic tour.

I’m pretty sure it was all down to the stupidly crushing tightness, sheer stubbornness that I wasn’t going to waste a perfectly good erection, and the fact I was rapidly flicking through my hentai folder labelled ‘armpits lol’.

Shortly afterwards though (as in mere seconds after trying to neatly cum into an open-ended onahole), whew. WHEW. That tingling, weird burning sensation I got on my hands and neck after touching this thing? My dick was startin’ to feel funky as fuck.

Imagine someone doing a karate chop across your cock right after you spill ya sperm hey. That’d be no good. You’d probably tell them to leave.

I slapped the onahole on my desk with a wet thud and shuffled towards the bathroom with my pants still around my ankles. Went to take a piss and the tip of my urethra was on fire. I think my head was even a bit more red than usual, which is saying a lot. If you’ve ever seen my cock in previous reviews (sorry), then you’ve probably noticed it goes full Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer regardless, but there was something definitely off here.

Whatever crushed up circus-meat material this onahole consisted of was no doubt messing me up a bit. In the eight or whatever years I’ve been ‘reviewing’ anime vaginas, I’ve never once had this kind of reaction.

Even the bloody Boku Ona Super Quick (a literal cardboard box filled with hard, coarse foam attempting to pass for a vagina) didn’t leave me wondering if I’d just broken my penis nearly as much as this thing did.

Precious horrendous memories.

Thankfully it’s all good now, but nah – I won’t be using this onahole ever again.

Please do not buy shit like this. Please. I know proper Japanese-made onaholes from actual legit retailers can get expensive, but it’s not worth potentially contracting at least 17 STDs and melting the skin off your shaft to save a few bucks buying something which doesn’t even have a product name from eBay, Wish or AliExpress.

These cheapo unbranded things likely skirt all safety regulations. Don’t risk it. 🙁

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