Review: Absolute hell

Hello! I’ve had to completely rewrite this multiple times over the past few months as the situation kept changing, so it might be a bit messy. My apologies for eventually just vanishing for like half a bloody year, but at some point that’s pretty much the only way I could deal with things. Falling off the planet and hyper isolating; it’s a winning combination.

Looking back upon the drafts though, there were some really good, barely comprehensible sentences fuelled by pain killers and sleep deprivation. I’m bummed that I can’t really rework most of them anymore. There was like an entire multi-paragraph rant about how some movies on Amazon Prime streamed in ‘3DS camera toilet quality’ right after a single sentence about rubbing cream into my balls. This is an international crisis, please look forward to the DVD bonus features.

But to just like get it all out there right away: my crotch was annihilated. It went from bad to worse real fuckin’ quick, and for about five months I couldn’t masturbate at all due to the pain.

I also couldn’t really even walk too well because of it; clearly less of an issue than not being able to have a wank though. Every single step felt like a cheese grater slicing into my cock no matter how tightly I bundled the stupid thing up.

Then when I was finally able to go for a proper walk, my foot did a funny joke and broke in three places at the same time. Good one. Had a fuckin’ giggle.

Thankfully the (dick) pain is minimal lately, but it’s probably going to linger on for a good while yet. Juuust enough to be slightly annoying – like a single strand of hair stuck under the edge of your phone case which can never be flicked off the screen.

AND IT ALL STARTED WITH A PURE LIQUID CURSE.

Man, I just wanted some simple stinky armpit scented lube. ‘This would be good to cum with’ I thought. ‘I sure hope nobody outside of the internet dot com becomes aware of my raging sexual desire for anime armpit lubrican-

BUT NO. EVERYBODY KNEW. THANK YOU, AMAZON JAPAN. THANK YOU FOR LISTING THE PRODUCT NAME IN FULL ENGLISH RIGHT THERE UNDER MY ADDRESS. CHEERS FOR MAKING THINGS EXTRA CLEAR ON THE CUSTOMS DECLARATION FORM.

There were multiple products in this shipment, yet this was the one thing they felt the need to describe in detail?!

Mate, jesus christ. I have never seen a postman with such a look of absolute disdain on his face. He’d absolutely read the package contents while waiting for me to come sign for it, and it was like having four thousand dads just walking in on you having a wank to Ronald McDonald grinding Grimace’s Quarter Pounder (with cheese…)

So January 28th. 29th? One of those – I decide to have a crack with this new lube. My initial reaction was disappointment, because it didn’t smell anything like I’d hoped for in the very serious genre of sister armpit sweat. It just has a mild floral… soapy scent. Who puts flowers in their pits? Idiots, that’s who. Secondly – but less concerning – I was getting a weird tingling sensation on my balls as the lube kept spreading around the joint.

Whatever, just keep masturbating hey? I eventually blew my load and WHOOPS, now suddenly my balls felt like they were on fire. Full on NBA Jam style. I went to go wash myself off, but it just kept burning. I even dunked them in a bowl of cold water later that night (as you do) and figured it’d probably be fine in the morning.

I mean, I have had some reactions to certain lube over the years, and even some clown-tier cheap shit onaholes have set me off with rashes. They all settled down pretty quick, so surely this would be the same right?

RIGHT? 🙁

But yeah, nah. The next morning I wake up and fuck me dead, my balls were straight up decimated. Shrived down to nothing with the texture of a week-old sandwich, BRIGHT red and painful to the touch. That’s no good.

Extreme warning for the photo in the spoiler below.

So I went to my doctor and he’s like “oh, it’s probably a fungal thing” and gives me a prescription for some antifungal cream. Cool! Should be fine!

Anyway, a couple of days pass. My balls had regained some crucial plumpness, but they hurt like hell and looked like two clown noses dangling about. To make matters worse, the head of my penis was now also a horrific shade of dark red, felt super raw and the skin was beginning to rapidly peel on it.

OFF TO HOSPITAL.

After a few hours, the conclusion was now a chemical burn allergic reaction (upon explaining that this all happened right after I’d used “a funny lube lol”). The best part was when the nurse sat me down with a weird tube of goo and said she’d be right back. So I was thinking man, what is this? WHERE’S THIS GOING TO GO?

… It was pumped down my urethra. You know when I said that was the best part? It really wasn’t.

So a round of antibiotics, some urine samples, mystery goo down my cock. A quality adventure for all. I was told it’d probably clear up in a few weeks at most, and yeah, good to go. That’s when I wrote that update here on the site back in February.

Except the pain kept getting worse. The next week I was rushed ahead by the hospital for an appointment with their dermatology department (which usually has a waiting list along the lines of fifty thousand years). It was here I was diagnosed with the very fittingly-named ‘red scrotum syndrome’. This is an extremely rare and kinda poorly documented chronic condition. Wow good. I will sell my testicles on eBay.

Being told that it may now take months before there’s any improvement – and that maybe there’ll be no improvement at all – was fucking devastating. Still, whatever. I was now on a combination of Doxycycline and Gabapentin which seem to have some success stories in treating the condition. There’s no like, guaranteed treatment with this shit however.

I tried to remain positive and gave some updates on Twitter for a few weeks after, but holy shit man. Around end of February that raw sensitively I was feeling on the head of my penis went absolutely nuclear. Even the slightest touch against the head was fucking death. I’d basically be in tears trying to move. NOTHING helped.

By mid-March I was essentially bedbound. I was going days at a time without sleep though, because even rolling over felt like my dick was in a blender. I just couldn’t get a break from the pain. Imagine getting a third degree burn on your foot and then wearing some socks made of glass shards non-stop, but instead of your foot it’s my penis. That’s sort of what it was like, except you probably shouldn’t imagine any of that after all.

There are WEEKS where I legitimacy can’t remember anything, and that’s kinda scary. I’d stopped checking the internet completely at some point; couldn’t have given less of a shit in that mindset.

Basically I was rapidly burning through my savings to merely fucking lay there feeling sorry for myself. Had no idea what to do and just gave up. Pathetic stuff.

Over the next few months I’d see more GPs and struggle to even explain how excruciating it all felt. At that point the head of my penis just looked a bit red; nowhere near as bad as before. And yet it felt worse than ever.

“Balanitis, maybe”
“Nerve damage”
“Pelvic floor dysfunction”
“Three big ham sandwiches”

Everyone was throwing out different things. I was in no position to be catching multiple sandwiches though – maybe one at best.

Then around the start of June, things were getting a little bit better. I don’t know what exactly did it because I was on so many fucking different pills at that point and trying pretty much everything and anything. Moving around was still painful, but I was so keen to go for a proper walk around outside for once. So I did, for a few hours!

Aaaand my left foot fractured in three spots. This is the same foot I busted up last year too, so that was neat.

Anyway sorry, really rambling on here without many images to break up the walls of text.

Please enjoy this photo of Hunter being a big goof.

Eventually I finally had my follow-up appointment with the dermatology department where it turns out to be genital psoriasis on the head of my dick. While psoriasis isn’t exactly an uncommon skin condition, getting it exactly on the part of your dick that rubs against everything all the time sorta is.

So yeah, red scrotum syndrome and genital psoriasis. Like stacking an Action Replay and Game Genie together to unlock a house fire. Though to be fair, I feel like I’ve gotten off easy with the red scrotum syndrome aspect all things considered. My balls will likely remain a vague shade of red-ish pink for the rest of my life, but they’ve gone back to their usual uh, shape and texture? And there’s no discomfort anymore.

There’s some some absolute fucking horror stories out there when it comes to red scrotum syndrome.

My main issue now is the lingering psoriasis on my dick. I can’t get over just how insanely painful it was during those peak few months, christ. It’s thankfully improved considerably, but there are still days where I’ll be walking up some stairs or something and every step will feel like a fishing lure being cast into my cock.

So what about this actual lube, then? Ultimately it’s just normal fuckin’ lube (SISTER ARMPIT SWEAT theme aside) for 99.9% of cocks ‘n’ balls™ out there. For me though it was enough to set off a complete one-in-a-bazillion freak reaction.

From what I understand, red scrotum syndrome can just happen. It seems to be typically linked to steroid abuse or using corticosteroid ointments around the general groin area for extended periods of time (and even then it’s unbelievably RARE), but there’s been cases of it triggering from some random sex or even just someone letting their balls get too sweaty for an extended period of time. According to Reddit anyway, I dunno. Reddit.

I guess the genital psoriasis was just an incredibly unpleasant knock-on effect. At least once that was finally narrowed down, I was prescribed a stupidly expensive cream called ‘Elidel’ which has done wonders, but fuckin’ hell. What a great waste of 2024.

Anyway I figure after all this, the best option is to build up my immunity.

OUTTA MILK.

 

Business as usual from here on out, hopefully! Red scrotum syndrome and genital psoriasis are essentially lifelong things that can relapse at random for a laugh. For NOW though – for the past few weeks – everything has been getting a lot better. I’ve rapidly dropped several kilos in fluids catching up on the past six months of lost masturbation.

Thank you for continuing to put up with my shit, and I’m sorry for just straight up going completely silent. I think around April or something there was an influx of comments from people assuming I’d killed myself and I felt fucking horrible that I hadn’t simply kept some basic updates going. Yet I still did nothing about it? Cool self-destructive shit right there.

Also big thanks to everyone for checking in with comments, emails, Twitter etc. I really appreciate it despite being a total cunt and never replying to anything. :’)

Going from ‘oh this’ll be back to normal in a few days’ to ‘oh what if my dick is completely ruined forever’ was a bit of a difficult slump to get out of though.

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Hey, thanks for reading! This is usually just a generic bit of text I copy and paste at the end of each article, but here’s an entirely new sentence to enjoy! Feel free to follow me on Twitter for more onahole stuff, but maybe don’t! I haven’t been active online in forever! Or if you’re feeling extra generous, please consider donating to my PayPal. I’d greatly appreciate it, but maybe just play Wonderboy in Monster Land on Master System instead.