Review: Onaho of the Round Table

Product: Onaho of the Round Table
Manufacturer: XTC Japan
Measurements: length – various (!), weight – 3.7kg (8.16 lbs)
Retailers: MotsuToys* (EU) / Onahole.com* (US)

– This product was provided by MotsuToys and Onahole.com for masturbation review purposes
– Retailers marked with * are affiliate links

Just imagine, you’re watching TV one day – maybe captivated by an advert for a local rug warehouse that’s been slashing prices off the exact same rugs in a closing down sale which has lasted 27 years now – when all of a sudden you’re having a big snooze. Out cold.

You awake in ye olde castle Camelot. The legends were true! King Arthur himself is aggressively flossing in front of your very eyes. “Wake up, sleepy head”, he says, clearly out of breath and loudly huffing. “It’s time for a meeting at me big fuckin’ Round Table”. Looking down, you find yourself wearing a clunky suit of armor. Ah.

Upon gracefully walking over to the fellow knights with all the skill of Robocop navigating an escalator, a wonderful cake sits in the middle of the table. It’s mostly made of ham and looks incredibly intimidating. Everybody begins to cheer, but alas, you awake from this delightful dream before finding out what the cake was meant to celebrate.

“I have to tell XTC Japan about this” you say with a determined look of constipation. After a quick stop at the local rug warehouse, you begin your quest to visit their office but very quickly get tired and go back to sleep.

You are trapped in a horrendous ham-related dream loop, eternally prolonging the closing down sale. These rugs will never sell.

But HOLY FUCK here’s Onaho of the Round Table regardless.

Boasting a gauntlet of different holes in a big ‘ol circular hell-slab, this absolute beast is quite literally described as an ‘onahole cake’ in promotional material. Because like any good cake, it’s probably best enjoyed with friends.

I guess it’s maybe not surprising to hear this sort of bizarre design isn’t exactly new though? Tamatoys pioneered the concept a few years ago with Life of a Beautiful Girl which acted as some kind of questionable time machine featuring six vaginas that were meant to feel like fucking the same girl at various points in her life (sure why not) – but man. Six vaginas? Rubbish. Not enough.

This one has EIGHT.

– Unboxing / Presentation –

Lifting the top cover off reveals artwork of the knights around the tub who may or may not bare just a passing resemblance to their Fate/stay night character designs. Their matching HOLES and tunnel layouts are visible here too, which is a nice touch.

The whole thing is some pretty quality stuff. Genuinely, like, the pillars and all. That’s some clever shit.

EVEN THE BARCODE IS FANCY. I guess not being sold in Aldi or whatever allows for this kind of creativity though. Fuckin’ get on it, Aldi.

So what’s in the box, then? Let’s take a looooo-

Oh hell yeah, a future sewing kit tin. Perfect.

I typically don’t expect anything extra to come with XTC Japan products regardless of the price, so it was a nice surprise to see an acrylic stand chucked in! Very 2010’s energy when onaholes would include stuff like this or keyrings at random.

No lube though, but I kinda don’t blame them here. Would probably get squished to hell and back.

And out flops the octopussy itself. At first glance that massive raised XTC Japan logo is really obnoxious, but also kinda funny. I guess you’ve gotta get your brand out there. What the hell is XTC Japan’s little mascot thing anyway?

Is it… is it Kirby after inhaling a bloody Pokeball?

Probably.

But yes, there’s eight vaginas lining this thing and they all look unique. Actually wait no, there are two that look the same. I imagine it’s on purpose considering that pair share a tunnel running through the entire length of the product (although their initial textures inside are vastly different).

Makes ’em easy to match when you and a mate want to engage in a bit of of a joust inside the onahole.

Just look for the PUFFY VAG™ on either side to link up.

Big ass logo aside, XTC Japan have done a nice job with the visual details here considering what they’ve got to work with. I mean, it’s just a big circle of flesh. This is the sort of prop that’d summon demons in a budget horror flick.

Weighing in at a hefty 3.7kg, the material is on the softer side of things, but it doesn’t feel cheap or uh, too saggy? I was half expecting this thing to flop all over the place, but it’s quite an impressive build.

– Feeling –

Phwoah. Eight tunnels in one, each with their own professional business names like ‘Elsa Scarslut’ and ‘Majestic Monara’. How do you even begin to tackle something like this? That’s right, with ya penis.

Really though, I really wasn’t quite sure where to start. Should I be like, awkwardly kneeling down on my bed whilst mushing the entire onahole into my groin? Do I slap it down on my desk and go at it that way? Invest in a turntable?

In the end I simply laid down on bed or sat in my chair and went full of fucking lazy style as usual. Surprisingly very doable (haha sex-o), even one-handed!

… You’d really be better off using two hands or more though.

At some point I genuinely was scribbling down notes (via messy lube/pre-cum coated keyboard mashing) in an attempt to go into a deep dive on each hole’s sensation. That quickly became confusing! I was losing track of which tunnel belongs to who.

But yes, the desire to keep rotating the big fuck cake and try out each hole mid-wank kinda took me by surprise. I was fully expecting to simply stick with one for each session – and there is one in particular that I love more than the rest – but having all these options right there is way too much fun.

I will say that all of them initially feel quite similar. Getting into each hole is almost like an instant transmission with absolutely no resistance, and it can take a bit for the ‘ol cock noggin to process that something else is happening. This probably won’t be much of an issue unless you’re rapidly switching around though.

Some of them are tighter, some deliver rougher stimulation, while one of them in there barely feels like anything! What a gamble. What a great review! This is like reviewing an all-you-can-eat joint and saying the food tastes like stuff you can put in your gob. It’s all very fun though! Just like pushing the ice cream machines to their limit at those places.

There’s something primal about edging in one hole and then frantically fingering the next one to spread some lube around its entrance before switching over. Absolute chaotic masturbation.

As far as specific tunnels go, my favourites have gotta be uuuuh hang on, I need to match up their names here. Very important.

‘Gorgona Goddess’

This one has these little textured star nubs lining the walls that hit like a fucking truck as they catch and rub against your glans. The mid-section clamps down a bit too, which means your head is always fighting and grinding across them to push through. Easily the most stimulating option here for me.

I’d kinda just love a standalone handheld onahole using this exact same tunnel for convenience. Cumvenience? Good.

‘Anonymous Knight’

Bit more snug and a lot calmer on the stimulation (despite looking like a dental x-ray that got smeared in Photoshop). I found this one great for quickly switching over to when I wasn’t ready to bust. Those little notches feel real comfy pressing into your shaft with each thrust.

‘Asara Lightblade’

Good balanced one right here. The big kink right in the middle is the big draw here. I love pulling out completely and roughly thrusting back into this hole to smash up against it for that jolt of stimulation. Likewise really ramming into the end zone feels great, with a bunch of nubs gettin’ strectched the fuck out over your head.

The overall sensation is nice if you’re just chilling out in here though. Not too tight but plenty of different texture-work to keep things interesting.

Just keep in mind most of these tunnels are pretty limited. Kinda expected given the overall size of the product, but we’re looking at like four to five inches each before stretching. You’ve always got the two interconnected tunnels that run through the entire length however (just over nine inches).

I find myself finishing off in there because it’s the most comfortable option to cum. SPEAKING OF SPERM (?)…

– Cleaning –

Like using the onahole itself, Onaho of the Round Table requires some pretty serious dedication when it comes to cleaning this beast.

If you’ve been having yourself a bit of a Wheel of Fortune themed goon sesh which you’ve cleverly been calling ‘Wank of Fortune’ to everyone and anything that meets eye contact at the local train station, then boy are you in for a mess. Lube and cum everywhere; the entire product now slick with various bodily juices. Hopefully your sink is big enough to plop this into.

Flushing the tunnels out is easy enough, but ensuring all of them are dry can be a bit tiring. Obviously this depends on how many holes you’ve actually used, but whew. That big interconnected tunnel is especially time consuming.

It also helps if you don’t try to pretend the onahole is a pizza and immediately drop it in the dustiest corner of your room.

 

I’m not sure I’d ever be able to replicate such an inhuman deflated noise ever again. I recorded this like seconds after unboxing. Instantly covered in dust and cat hair. :'(

– Summary –

Honestly, I went into this pretty cynical. While I’m a fan of XTC Japan’s stuff, I was fully expecting to rip into Onaho of the Round Table for a laugh. A giant fucking clumsy circle design with eight vaginas? Come on bro.

But it… really works! I ended up getting addicted to the gimmick of switching around eight holes like a madman. They’ve put some genuine thought and effort into making sure they’re all different which results in a wild variety of options for your dick. I’m sure it’d be a lot more fun in local multiplayer co-op, but I’ve enjoyed my time filling this cake with cream. What an abysmal sentence to type on a keyboard.

Maybe one day once I’ve healed up a bit more I’ll revisit it with seven other guest reviewers, I dunno.

At a birthday party or something…

The instructions for this frosting cup thing say something about whacking it in the microwave first? I don’t think I’ll try that.

Wow, looks great already. Yum.

How could I not go with this cake topping? These fucks are absolute teeth-breakers too, what the hell.

You might not be able to cut a slice, but hey.

Onaho of the Round Table

+ Eight different tunnels, two of which meet and connect in the middle! Great if you want to share an onahole with a few mates and maybe perform some kind of summoning ritual
+ Haha, more like… cummoning ritual
+ Lots of options if you’re using this by yourself. There’s a range of stimulation and sensations depending on where you point your cock (as long as it’s in the onahole, but also I guess everything else too. WATCH OUT FOR FAN BLADES AND OVENS)

– Not exactly something you can easily whip out for a quick wank
– Tricky and time-consuming to clean
– It’s loud. I forgot to mention this until just now, but thrusting into every hole sounds like you’re annihilating a bowl of melted ice cream

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This review product was provided by MotsuToys and Onahole.com. Thanks again!