Checking out Amazon’s cheapest onahole

Product: Pretty Mouth Vacuum Cup… something?
Manufacturer: Probably the same machine that makes cat litter
Measurements: length – 15cm, weight – 300g
Retailers: Jeff Bezos’ Patented Cum Cave

Hello and maybe welcome to the second entry in an unofficial series where I waste perfectly good pizza money on sex toys that might have the same cheesy consistency, but deliver a much weaker orgasm.

Back in 2021 I grabbed the cheapest onahole I could find on eBay, and I mean… honestly, aside from needing to use it upside down to get any kind of stimulation – and getting a rash all over my hand and neck from merely touching the stupid thing – it wasn’t too bad! Until it felt like I was pissing molten lava mere moments after cumming.

Yep, a good time for all.

This time I’ve been checking out Amazon, and the results were uh, considerably less interesting! The Australian version of Amazon really only kinda embraced the forbidden novelty concept of masturbation products a few years ago, and even then most of them are sold by trustworthy third party sellers like ‘QUIZ TECH JUMBOBUMBO ~X_X~ ANEURYSM POND PLEASURE_0128’.

So narrowing it down to something actually shipped and sold by Amazon themselves (while specifically keyword searching for ‘onahole’) I got… whatever the fuck this mess of letters is.

Pretty Love Mouth Vacuum Cup Mastrubatronahol, Multitoy?

Mastrubatronahol?! Sounds like something I should be using to clean the sink. I guess that’s where it somehow picked up ‘onahole’ from though, so whatever. Good enough. $15 isn’t exactly great for what looks like a shithouse mouth in a plastic cup, but oh well. GOTTA WORK WITH IT.

So a whopping one day later, the delightful Pretty Love whatever arrives and proceeds to instantly create more confusion with its fantastic sexy name.

Now it’s the Vacuum Cup Masturbator 55? I somehow missed this despite it being clearly shown in the product page, but yes. Good.

‘Expertly designed and tested by 55 users to bring orgasmic experiences’. Pure hell. What, were they just waiting in line for their turn with it? Surely the feedback just got worse and worse over time. The 55th tester would be dealing with 54 loads of tightly compacted cum inside that worn out tunnel.

“Feels good” they say, rapidly mutating into some kind of rat-hovercraft hybrid.

After a fairly agonizing time attempting to peel off the plastic which kept ripping like single-ply toilet paper when you’ve just had the most violent shit ever in the IKEA bathroom, I finally gained access to the lid.

These sort of products are usually meant to be just super cheap disposable holes, so easy access is pretty important. If you were desperate to cum after buying this thing you’d probably fall over backwards from exhaustion before even getting your pants off, and who knows where you’d land.

Oh. Unrelated, but have you ever felt like your penis is retreating back inside your body?

To be fair, it looks like SOME effort has gone into the design for such a budget cock holster. There’s a tongue and everything! But fuck me, the absolute smell of rotten despair emanating from this gob as soon as I popped the top. Bloody hell.

Despite Mr. Pringles’ propaganda, you actually CAN stop once you pop. I had to. This was bad.

I mean, it’s not unusual for onaholes to have a bit of an oily, weird burnt rubber stink to them initially, but Pretty Love Mouth Vacuum Cup Mastrubatronahol Eiffel 65 was like going to shake someone’s hand for the first time and they just pull out a rocket launcher.

I needed to yank this out of the tube and flip it inside out to investigate further. Man, fuck.

It’s almost hard to explain the pure STINK coming from within. This is a devastating realization considering I’ve attempted to review literal smell fetish products for years now. But yeah, genuinely vile stuff.

Oh, alright. Was kinda expecting worse here honestly, but there was a tiiiiiny blob of mold. There was another even smaller chunk further in, which… I dunno. Still didn’t explain the unique scent of a shoe up a skunk’s arse (there we go).

Really felt fuckin’ SWEATY though. After a quick wash I managed to mostly clear this out, but the smell remained. If anything it just got even worse the moment a drop of water touched its cursed innards.

Unfortunately I just wasn’t comfortable actually stank-wanking with this thing in the end. Sorry!

2021 was simpler time when I assumed default invincibility with breaking out in a rash from some cheap shit onahole, but after last year’s eight-month-long dick destroying lube incident, I really don’t want to risk anything anymore. 🙁

Is this the true sign of old age? If you polled 100 old people they would probably respond with “huh” and start pushing you over.

So what now? Shit. Look at this sad sack when it’s flipped inside out, jesus.

Wait.

WAIT.

Perfect. I’ll call him Barry.

You wouldn’t bully a face like that, right? You wouldn’t bully Barry. He’s got a little strand of hair stuck in the Blu Tack behind his eye and everything.

Barry has already been through a lot in his very short-lived existence.

“Leave”.

I think the best part about Barry is that you can put him back in his little tube and just take him anywhere for various adventures.

Anywhere.

ANYWHERE.

Pretty Mouth Vacuum Cup Salami Sandwich Multitoy 55 Mastrubatronahol

+ You can put it in a garbage bin
+ Maybe ward off evil spirits with its unique scent
+ Feel good knowing that 55 users expertly designed and tested this

– Tragically I forgot that I’d left this in my backpack while walking around the next day, which just so happened to be 42 degrees out (that’s 107 degrees in Fahrenheit Land USA) and the poor abomination essentially melted. This review was meant to have a lot more photos, but RIP Barry

---

Hey, thanks for reading! Feel free to follow me on Twitter or Bluesky for more onahole stuff. Or if you’re feeling extra generous, please consider donating to my PayPal. I’d greatly appreciate it. Your support keeps my penis alive (inside new and interesting onaholes! Not this one though…)