Review: Sweaty Girl Shop Assistant in Black Tights

Product: Sweaty Girl Shop Assistant in Black Tights
Manufacturer: Tamatoys
Retailers: Possibly discontinued, RIP

Alrighty, I’m preeeetty sure this product has been completely discontinued given that seemingly nobody sells it anymore, but wait. I’ve had this for a LONG TIME now and yeah, I’m finally gonna squirt out some words NOW when it’s impossible to potentially earn four cents from any affiliate sales. GREAT.

Whatevs hey, it’s fine. I have a good reason for this review showing up like maybe a year after it would have made sense.

Spiders.

Sure, this doesn’t excuse random words being typed while furiously keeping the Shift key jammed down into the depths of Hell, but look.

…. SPIDERS.

A few months back I was just having a fairly normal sleep deprived time, yeah? Mindlessly clickin’ shit in front of the computer – possibly even a mouse – when I noticed a tiny spider on the wall. “Oh” I did not say out loud, thinking nothing of it.

But then I saw another spider a few seconds later, followed by another. Was it the same spider just moving around super quick? I turned on my main bedroom ligh- SPIDERS.

HUNDREDS OF FUCKING SPIDERS.

Within mere seconds my room was crawling with them. On the ceiling, walls, all over my wardrobe.  Looked down at my desk and what was all over the keyboard? That’s right – a UV blacklight’s delight. Also, spiders.

For a brief moment I considered that I’d finally lost it and that my tired-arse brain had spawned all these little adorable baby dickheads for a laugh, but nah. I’d obviously made enough disgruntled constipated noises to wake my flatmate at like 3am, who immediately proceeded to scream when entering my room.

(Because of the spiders).

Anyway, after some frantic spraying with the most budget can of horse shit bug spray ever and opening a window, the moving wall texture seemingly vanished as quickly as it spawned. But I couldn’t help but wonder… where was their mum? Surely somewhere in my room, but oh well.

It was time to have a nice sleep thanks to the copious amount of poison in the air.

Last week, after QUITE A WHILE, I saw this box in my wardrobe after shifting around a few things. Tamatoys’ Sweaty Girl Shop Assistant in Black Tights. Totally forgot I’d bought this one ages back.

It had some cobwebs on it, but more importantly there was this crusty dried out corpse of a fucking massive Huntsman spider just sitting resting on top. Cool. Regrettably (?) I didn’t take a photo, but if I were to recreate my initial reaction with letters, it would probably be “buuaaeuuughh”.

Was this the grave of the mummified spider mum who gave birth to eight hundred and sixty fucking thousand babies who very likely grew up to populate the rest of the apartment block? COULD IT BE?

It’d make sense since I always leave the wardrobe open, but who knows. Either way, what a horrible resting place.

This one’s for you, big dead spider.

So Tamatoys released three of these in collaboration with the artist Usotukiya – all themed around the smell of sweaty, stuffy tights. There was an idol one, a uh… office lady? And this one, a convenience store worker.

Aside from the actual bottle of SMELL, the big selling point/gimmick/Expansion Pak of these were the fact that they included an actual pair of pantyhose.

neat.jpg

But in regards to the actual scent, it’s surprisingly strong. Kinda bitter and cheesy at first, I guess? And honestly, sure… when you’re in that ‘I will cum to the mysterious concept of a 7-11 employee’s leggings after the end of a Summer night shift slipping over in puddles of lukewarm nacho cheese sauce’ mindset, this is great.

One burst of the spray bottle will easily be enough to last a good while. That said, after about ten minutes it does eventually dull and sorta ends up smelling like uuuuhhh… Skittles. Alright.

All sorts of things fall onto the floor of a convenience store after all.

So yeah, Sweaty Girl Shop Assistant in Black Tights is a bit of a rare one for Tamatoys where it’ll really punch the nostril hairs right out of your face holes WHILE actually somewhat resembling the actual scent they were going for. Or well, something that at least sets off the horny receptors.

Bit sad they’ve seemingly killed it off.

As for THESE, I figured they’d just immediately rip if I tried putting them on and that’d make for a somewhat amusing photo to end the review. I’m a stocky six-foot-something guy, surely th-

But nah, they just kept on going.

Bloody hell, what now? I probably would have taken off my cool $3 hamburger boxer shorts from Kmart if I knew this would happen.

(I could barely move)

Sweaty Girl Shop Assistant in Black Tights

+ It kinda really does smell a bit like sweaty tights!
+ You get a pair of pantyhose which has unlimited potential. Maybe you could use them to wipe your PSP screen, maybe you could clog a toilet with them (or without), who knows
+ The scent lasts a really long time

– I don’t think you can buy this anymore
– Spiders

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