Melty Kiss – Just like Kirby, it sucks (ah hurr hurr)

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Product: Melty Kiss
Manufacturer: Toami Corporation
Retailers: NLS
Artwork: Sefl Ork

Okay, first up, Toami Corporation (makers of ooooh, a few hundred sex toys) have probably the best homepage. I mean, in terms of actual content and updates it’s rather dead, but being greeted by a cup of tea, some cake, macaroons and a banner advert featuring lovely scented candles and flowers isn’t what I quite expected! Then of course, once you click on ‘products’ the illusion is shattered. Vibrators everywhere.

Melty Kiss is my first experience with a blowjob-style onahole, and let me tell you, I’ve always been super interested in getting sucked off by disembodied mouth. Always. I make sure to mention it during interviews when the dreaded “where do you see yourself in five years” question pops up. But that time is now, my friends.

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Notice how the packaging is much bigger than it needs to be. There’s a large cardboard insert of a nicely drawn girl, who’s facing an unfortunate predicament of wearing a skirt that is way too short. I’m sure we’ve all been there. The only solution is some good old fashioned fellatio.

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Oh dear. That’s the kind of thing you wake up from in a nightmare. But then, I imagine it’d be pretty difficult to produce something like this without it looking a tad awkward.

Melty Kiss is also on the entry level side of things – cheap and light. Some of the more hardcore blowjob onaholes I saw in Japan earlier this year weighed a freakin’ tonne and cost about $40. Rather than ordering one online now, it’d probably be cheaper to fly back to Japan, empty suitcase in hand, and pick some up. With a clenched butt, like a skill tester.

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Oh look, there was a tiny 30ml bottle of lube at the bottom of that oversized packaging. Also the photo didn’t pick it up too well, but there were stretch marks on both sides of the onahole before it’d even gotten any use. Promising!

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The inner structure of Melty Kiss appears to be rather simple, and the front teeth are just there for decoration – like a gummy grandma who’s still in the business – but it works so well. The first thing you hit is a series of notches that are supposed to be the tongue, and oh jesus this feels nice, especially combined with thick ridges on the roof of the mouth.

Next up is the bumpy bit on top. You know, that thing at the back of your mouth, officially known as Dingly Dangly the 3rd, a cruel but misunderstood creature. This doesn’t have much impact as it just lightly rubs over, but serves as an important checkpoint.

Pushing on further, Melty Kiss attempts to simulate deep throat with a much tighter end to its tunnel. This… also works! With nowhere for the air to escape, it results in a pretty hard vacuum effect that feels great. Imagine putting an actual vacuum cleaner over your dick. Man, that’d fucking hurt. But WHAT A NIGHT. You could even pour a mixture of carrot chunks and soup into Melty Kiss for the true horrifying after-effects of amateur deep throat. Haha, no. That’s gross. Don’t. Christ.

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My only complaint about Melty Kiss is that… well, it clearly wasn’t designed with the Western market in mind, girth-wise. I tore both sides of the mouth a bit, so now it kinda looks like The Joker from The Dark Knight. Nah it’s not that bad. Melty Kiss is a much more interesting character.

As far as cleaning goes, this is not a real mouth, so toothpaste and mouthwash won’t work. Don’t try flipping it inside out either, because you’ll probably destroy it. Just run it under warm water and use a cloth or something to do your best.

meltykiss04When your penis is not it in, Melty Kiss can perform other handy tasks, like holding game cartridges.

It doesn’t even matter if she swallows it, because she’s a disembodied mouth, silly! “Where is my fun video game” you’ll ask an empty room, before putting your hands on your hips. “Oh Melty Kiss, get that out of your mouth! You don’t know where it’s been!”

meltykiss06Goodness, Melty Kiss is also the perfect place to hold your secret savings for a rainy day. What’s that, 27% chance of a light shower? I think it’s time to take my 15 cents and go out for a night on the town.

Then you could make a joke about a 100% chance of rain, of sperm, in Melty Kiss’ mouth. It would be very funny.

Overall, yes. I was pleasantly surprised with Melty Kiss, and I can recommend it. Unless your cock is as thick as Goku’s neck, then no. Oh and a word of advice, you might want to look at grabbing some extra wet lube which is made especially for blowjob-style onaholes (don’t underestimate the market, it’s incredibly serious business!) The stuff that comes with it is decent, but won’t last long. ‘Lovely Girl’s Drool is Sweet’ does wonders and it’s pretty cheap. That artwork though…

Final score: Yeah/10

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7 Responses to Melty Kiss – Just like Kirby, it sucks (ah hurr hurr)

  1. Mercury says:

    Best thing I’ve read all week. <3

  2. watkinzez says:

    Holy crap. Those metaphors.
    ‘Lovely Girl’s Drool is Sweet’ also has quite the description.

  3. TheTKC says:

    LOL! I can’t. Great review. Yeah/10

  4. I always wondered if the disembodied mouth from the start of Rocky Horror managed to get work later on. Now we know!

  5. Aiko says:

    @stubbietubbie: What? You’ve never seen those obnoxious Twizzlers™ adverts? And from what I’ve read so far… the actual product is as oily and bad smelling as a cheap onnahole.
    When I was little, I grew up on Red Ropes™ as theatre candy… wow, now I’m feelin’ a bit naughty (and hungry) {and old}.

  6. ThatOneChick says:

    “How can I help you, Infernal Monkey?”
    “I need an onahole by the count of three!”
    “That’s what we do best, just wait and see!”
    “You better get it with a money back guarantee!”

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