Hmmmm, noises of contemplation. Blow-up dolls? I dunno, personally I’ve never really seen the appeal in them. Their trademark goofy-ass facial expressions with mouth agape and bodies, which resemble a low poly 3D model rendered on the Super FX chip, surprisingly just doesn’t do anything for me.
Then there’s the whole effort thing of inflating it every time (unless you’ve got the space), followed by some gripping fear at the back of your mind that the doll might burst before you get a chance to.
But really, those faces. Damn. Can’t even win a novelty sized comb from ’em.
And with that out of the way, naturally I… bought myself a cheap blow-up doll. From Japan. They include actual onaholes with them, see. You’re not just shredding it up against jagged plastic seams.
At less than thirty bucks, what could possibly go wrong in this post-Bubsy 3D world?
Ah, the artwork on the box for a start. This is Mizutani Tomoka. She’s apparently a student of class B in Manzoku Gakuen (the ‘Total Satisfaction School’). Super crucial life story. Once upon a time the manufacturer Love Cloud – or TokyoWins as they used to go by – had a whole range of different airhead classmates to choose from, but I guess Mizutani was the only one who didn’t graduate.
One selling point is that Mizutani can ‘sit up, lie down or flip onto hands and knees’. That’s exactly like a real anime person! Okaaaaay, let’s check out the most important part first – the onahole.
This is the absolute saddest. Like, legitimately depressing. Look at that thing, it’s like an ill-fitting stubby holder. So, what, when you shoot your load it just smears into the doll? Lovely. Messy. There’s absolutely nothing going on inside either. No bumps, grooves or funky beats.
But I thought to myself, ‘hey, maybe it’ll feel alright when it’s tightly held into place by Mizutani’s cushy crotch’. This was followed by ‘I need a drink’. So I got a bit shitfaced, and continued on. Enjoy!
‘Sup. Mizutani’s pretty brave, still smiling…
… despite the horrific steamroller accident. Welp, better get started on the mouth to mouth. Except the plug is on her back, and it was a really stupid idea to even try blowing it up myself, but I’m all about fulfilling life experiences.
Oh no, my brain. Yeah, this doesn’t work at all. Had to hook up the little electric air pump, and even that took bloody forever.
Waiting, I amused myself by dispersing the doll’s slow intake of air from one breast to the other like an incredibly simplistic game of Whac-A-Mole. I then imagined how hilarious it’d be if my flatmates were to arrive home at that very moment.
Eighty two years later, the blow-up doll was ready.
Well that’s certainly something alright. By this point I had no desire to try and fuck it, but whatever. Let’s get that onahole in ‘yaaaa.
… Oh. This is where I ran into a major problem; I couldn’t get the onahole in there. No matter what I tried, it absolutely wouldn’t fit. The vagina didn’t go in the vagina. It’s so flimsy I even smooshed it to the point where it just resembled a twisted wall of rubber to instantly block any penis-related access. But nope. It’d always spring right back out.
Was I supposed to somehow trap the onahole in there whilst the doll was in the middle of being inflated? What a paaaaaaiiiiin.
So, fuck it. I lay down on the bed and just tried to use the blow-up doll in its current state, prolapsed onahole and all. It took a lot of MENTAL EFFORT to even maintain an erection, and there was zero stimulation as I awkwardly held Mizutani by the legs to bounce her up and down. Then the onahole popped off and just fell out onto the floor. I frowned long and hard at my life.
But hang on a sec! I could just try cramming my dick into the doll’s vast abyss of an empty hole, so that happened. The vinyl felt strange, but not pleasurable in the slightest. Whatever. Went and made a cup of tea.
Now class B’s Mizutani Tomoka lives on as a terrifying monster under the bed.
Final score: Can’t sleep, doll will eat me.