Oh boy, here we go. Spam the gold mushroom boost, Toad! I’ve had this ‘onahole’ for months now, tucked away in the cupboard for an emergency situation. If I ever found myself with nothing else to review or ramble about, there’d always be… this thing to fall back on.
Rends’ Hot Girl (stylised as HOT! GiRL to appeal to the long-lost MSN username crowd) isn’t the weirdest disposable masturbation toy out there – maybe – but it absolutely deserves some sort of award for being the most inconvenient and potentially fatal. Hot Girl is essentially just a DIY bag of boiling hot water. You put your penis in it. This idea got approved. “What could possibly go wrong”, asked Bubsy the Bobcat, president of Rends.
Alright, so it’s not like you’re actually just dipping straight in. The bag is designed to fill out with a crevasse in the middle so you’re sorta wrapped in the warm embrace of a water balloon which could pop before you do.
The packaging is similar to a McDonald’s apple pie, which is fitting. Probably even contains the same amount of apple. I like the little hanging tab for impulse purchase-placement at the checkout, too. “Oh yeah, I’ll grab a Mars Bar and something to fuck while I’m here”.
Pop open the bottom and suddenly – value! Rends give you three Hot Girl’s, three packets of lube and three straws. S-straws?
Yeah man, gotta get that water in somehow. The idea is to ram that up the tap to minimise the potential of burning your hands, then take the straw out once the bag is full and press the ends together (that overhanging clear bit) to seal it shut.
You just… have to trust that it’ll actually remain sticky enough to hold after all that water and steam. Pssshhaaww, I’m sure it’ll be fine.
Geez, this was more difficult than I anticipated! It took exactly eight thousand years to get anywhere, as you obviously can’t be holding it like so once the water really starts heating up. Which means the straw starts tilting and wobbling, barely anything goes in there, aaaaand this is not exciting in the slightest!
I think it was about half full when I couldn’t be stuffed anymore. Whatever, this’ll do. Took the straw out, pressed the opening together to seal it, flipped my poorly inflated Hot Girl upside-down to test ou- oh what a fucking surprise it didn’t work. Precious water was dribbling back out.
Now I’ll have to make sure I’m holding the end shut at all times whilst attempting to masturbate. I do love a good challenge combo. I mean, the entire gimmick involves rubbing up against warm plastic; there’s absolutely no other stimulation going on. Aside from maybe cutting up your shaft from the jagged seams or something.
Right, this is what it’s supposed to look like anyway. I wouldn’t recommend attempting to conceal dildos with it though.
Then there’s how mine turned out…
How inviting. I didn’t really want to piss around with the tubes of lubricant that came with Hot Girl as they’re the sort that need to be torn open and go all over the place. I’ve only got one hand here, and a decent chunk of MOISTY left. Kinda just smeared it on the entrance and hoped for the best.
Sitting down – doing my best to think of anything except what would happen if the onahole should burst all over my crotch – I pushed my dick into the folds. There was a bit of judder and terrifying bag-like rustling noises which seemed to disagree with human contact. Then warmth. My penis was very warm. Oh, uh. Pretty nice?
Really though, it’s a bag. Whoopee-fuckin’-do. The usable part ends about halfway, and I didn’t dare try and thrust past the point of no return. Slow… careful… motions. There’s obviously no texture happening in there, just smooth plastic. And hey, I made it work!
But then what? You’re left with a bag of water with cum trapped between the folds, just sitting there on the desk or whatever, sloshin’ about with regret and despair.
Not only is this a total pain to set up, you can’t exactly dispose of it quickly or discreetly either. Aside from chucking it out the window whilst casually remarking “water balloon prank el oh el, got’cha, jokes bro” with a deadpan expression.
Hot Girl is like the clumsiest disposable onahole ever, and surprisingly expensive for what it is. At the time this was about $6 from NLS. Six bucks! You could get two horrible foam cups for that. Six!
What a confusing product. I’m not sure how or why it exists other than a reminder that using your hand is a quick way to have a toss.
If your penis is actually that pointy please call an ambulance and tell them you’ve been Waluigi’d.
Final score: Yeah, I dunno. What the hell, Rends. Just put a hot water bottle on your lap for a similar sexy experience.