Maiden – Nailed that penetration

maiden_headerProduct: Maiden
Manufacturer: Magic Eyes
Measurements: length – 15.5cm, weight – 312g
Retailers: Motsu Toys / NLSKanojo Toys / Toy Demon
Artwork: Ume

Hey there Magic Eyes, what have you come up with this time? O-oh, an onahole based on a medieval torture device you say. Well shit. Finally. If there’s one inanimate object I’ve always dreamed of putting my penis in, it’s a big ‘ol spiky iron casket.

Probably a shame then that somebody is already inside, hogging all the room.

maiden01Say hello to Mai Kurogane – the star of Magic Eyes’ Maiden – who is apparently hiding out in an iron maiden because there’s a bounty on her virginity or something. I don’t know Mai, maybe anywhere else might have been a wiser choice.

I could be interpreting the pretty pictures on the box wrong, but it seems like there’s an actual backstory behind this onahole. That’s always welcome! The rubber dick sleeve industry could certainly do with some more mature storylines if it’s ever going to be taken seriously as an entertainment medium.

And honestly, I think Magic Eyes have outdone themselves with the overall presentation of this thing. They’ve always had a knack for well-designed boxes, but in this serious present-day future of 20XX, there’s almost something fun about opening up Maiden as if it were an actua-

maiden03Oh I see.

maiden04Yes good.

maiden05That’s very interesting.

No but really, Maiden’s torso design is kind of… eeeeehhh? Maybe it’s just because I’ve tried a string of body-style toys lately, but it’s not exactly defined enough; like an unfinished high school art project. That neck stump is a tad off-putting too.

maiden06But whatever, hey. The material itself is of typical Magic Eyes high quality. It feels silky smooth to grip, and there’s enough weight there. Just gotta jam your dick in and…

maiden07Ah. Eh? Hang on a second, there’s no hole in this onahole! Indeed, Maiden has an extra DIY element to it, featuring the added thrill of taking the toy’s virginity. Pretty sure that’s exactly true-to-life. So not only do you get to make your own front door, it’ll even bleed all over the bloody place. Sexual sex times ahoy!

Magic Eyes have rigged this thing with a heap of red-coloured lube which is designed to ooze out the first time you use it. Admittedly that’s a pretty novel idea, but not one I was exactly looking forward to a whoooole lot. AkaiHebi’s review mentioned it splashing all over his crotch, so with a towel in hand, I set out on a potentially messy adventure.

Immediately, the biggest problem I had was actually getting in there. Breaking through the thin rubber barrier itself isn’t difficult, but the onahole is kind of rigid and unforgiving which resulted in some awkward bending of the shaft. “That ain’t right” I proclaimed, squinting at an imaginary mirror. And it wasn’t just the first time – there’s something about Maiden’s entry point which goes all logic-puzzle on your ass each and every time.

maiden_inside

So alright, I’ve gotten myself inside and wee-ooooow. This onahole is absolutely terrifying. It’s like the sheer tightness of Magic Eye’s own Sujiman Kupa Rinka, but amplified to an unbearable degree. I seriously didn’t enjoy my time with this onahole at first! And by first, I mean at least a couple of times. Holy fuck factory. The walls press down so hard and grind with an awkward sensation similar to nails on a chalkboard – on a dick. Nope nope nope.

Maiden was so intense I could feel my heart racing and my palms sweating after just a few thrusts – all while my penis didn’t know what the hell to even do anymore. It was going flaccid then hard and back again in such a disjointed death-throe fashion. Guess that’s fitting for an onahole revolving around a torture device? I couldn’t even focus on whatever I was wanking to in the first place, but still managed to see it through to the end. It was such a stupid relief.

But yeah. Here was some of the most unpleasant, forced masturbation I’ve had this side of a foam cup, and it wasn’t until after I’d finished that I remembered the whole bleeding part. Shows how much I tuned out! There was red lube aaall over my balls. Beautiful. The ‘jerk off and go have a shower’ fantasy was complete.

maiden08I fixed the neck problem. brb submitting this hot tip to Lifehacker.

Repeated use of Maiden (over the space of a few traumatic days) got a little easier as the material began to offer more leeway, but damn. I thought maybe it was due to the pre-loaded lube initially, but nothing much changed with a different type of slippery goo.

This onahole just really isn’t my cup of tea (I’m more of an orange pekoe fan). There’s something about the internal design which rubs me the wrong way every time – like a lumpy jagged bag of peas with a wire scrubber wedged into it – and I’ve struggled to get any actual enjoyment from this. Or the onahole.

Maybe you’ll have better luck, but I don’t think I’ll be using this one ever again. Sorry Magic Eyes. Nice presentation though!

maiden09

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7 Responses to Maiden – Nailed that penetration

  1. Emalko says:

    How long until Magic Eyes makes an onahole based on “vagina dentata”

  2. DargeD says:

    Would you rather be stuck with this or one of the disposables forever

    • Infernal Monkey says:

      Honestly, having tried this a few more times since writing the review, I’d prefer a disposable cup. Even if it’s the exact same one. Over and over.

  3. “like a lumpy jagged bag of peas with a wire scrubber wedged into it ” good lord that sounds awful

  4. Oculin says:

    Your pain is my happiness. Thank you.

  5. Tats says:

    The pictures had me dying. Thanks for the laugh.

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