The year is 20XX – Hatsune Miku’s hologram has gone sentient and record labels have all but exhausted any hope for innovation in manufactured idol groups. Kraft’s surprising debut with ‘Toasty Spread’ (a group of genetically modified peanut butter humanoids with toasters and knives for hands) ended the moment they clapped their hands together for the first time.
Out of desperation upon facing the impending doom of Vocaloid vegetable juice, one final suggestion is made. “What about… an onahole idol?” Boom, done. Out flops a chunk of fuck-rubber with a microphone wedged inside. It slowly rolls right off the stage, landing with a gentle thud. A blob of lubricant squirts out from the impact and a song is born. Earth explodes.
This is You’re My Idol! from ExE (an offshoot of parent company Outvision). It’s been around for a while, and by a while I mean a few years. 2013, I think? That’s close enough to a few. But despite really wanting to check this one out, it continued to get removed from my cart at the last second. “Oh, this is going to bump up the shipping price too much, I’ll get it next ti-” NEXT TIME NEVER HAPPENED. I finally managed to find it for a good price in Japan though, so… here we are. Wow, what a good story.
The packaging artwork is by Shiwasu no Okina, and depicts fictional idol ‘Sione Izumi’ seemingly falling down a mysterious void arse-first. There was even an insanely cute You’re My Idol! manga released. It ends with an advert for the onahole right after a gallon of cum is pumped into her. “Hey, you can fuck Sione too!” Recommended by nine out of ten Oprah book clubs.
But it’s this internal shot of You’re My Idol! which got me breathing way too creep-like through my nose. The design looks amazing in all its glistening pink glory.
As for the outside, the material unfortunately feels quite tacky and cheap right from the get-go. There was also a strooooong oily smell to it. This all but vanished after the first wash, but wow. Perhaps the fact ExE sealed it in two thick plastic bags should have been a warning sign.
You’re My Idol! has a cool raised abdomen (?) along the top though, which bulges out further once you’re in there spelunking. I’m not sure if it was supposed to have any practical purpose for your grip or what, but it’s a nice touch.
Fingers, whoa! Attempting to get photos like this one-handed continues to be a rather pointless endeavor, but I was trying to show that it’s a dual-layer hole. Then ended up tearing the opening a bit. Whoops.
So basically two years worth of curiosity, but not quite enough to actually buy this onahole sooner. Does this count as a weird longterm form of giving yourself blue balls? Either way, I barely even got these photos taken before ramming my dick in there.
And it’s… okay. I’m usually able to describe the sensation step-by-step/inch-by-inch, but honestly, there’s nothing too remarkable about You’re My Idol! If anything it’s like a bunch of hands wrapped around; each finger gently pressing in like they’re trying to send a text message. But hang on, all those hands are also coated in breadcrumbs.
Imagine you’re at a restaurant. You’ve just ordered a chicken schnitzel, when suddenly an alarm goes off. Bwo’shit, ‘probably should have checked the menu’ you think. What if they don’t even do chicken schnitzel here? Your chicken schnitzel obsession has gotten the best of you once again – how embarrassing. Calling for the waiter, you suddenly realise everyone else has vanished from the room.
The lights dim, then next thing you know the chef’s on your table. He pulls a raw chicken breast out from his armpit and slaps you across the face with it. “HOW’S THE MEAL GOING?” he asks. Before you even get a chance to respond, the entire kitchen staff swarms. They yank off your pants and start copping a feel. “IS EVERYTHING SATISFACTORY?” There’s chunks of chicken, oil and bread crumbs flying all over the fucking place. Chef’s got a microphone now, table’s wobbling about, and he’s boomin’ out some kawaii-ass lyrics.
But despite all that, throughout this entire process you’re just left thinking ‘I wish this was more stimulating’. That’s what the onahole is like.
Honestly, You’re My Idol! offers a decent level of feedback, but it’s just not enough to set it apart from countless alternatives. Even the twisted part in the middle which ExE apparently dubbed the ‘Vortex Attack’ is just… eh? It’s all the same once you’re in there.
Sadly the material they’ve used is what really kills any hope of recommending this. Bits of rubber started flaking off with just my second use, and the whole thing feels sticky and gross as shit after being washed. This onahole could double as a lint roller. Worse still, it’s SO DIFFICULT to dry off inside. Moisture gets trapped in there like crazy, and that’s a potential T-Virus waiting to happen.
After all this waiting, I’m obviously a bit disappointed it didn’t live up to what my mind and/or penis had invisioned from the promo image, but at the same time it’s like a weight has been lifted. From my balls. Oh well, at least it came with some excellent lube.