Passionate Wife – Guide to a passionate life

passionwife_headerProduct: Passionate Wife
Manufacturer: Toy’s Heart
Measurements: length – 14.5cm, weight – 225g
Retailers: NLS / Amazon / CoolMST* / Kanojo Toys* / Toy Demon*
Artwork: Goma Satoshi

– This product was provided by Toy’s Heart for masturbation review purposes
Retailers marked with * are affiliate links

Today was a special day for Billy McBillyface. There he was, putting the final touches on a stack of frozen floor-lasagna, when all of a sudden the doorbell rings. “Ah, honey, our guests have arrived” he screams through the peephole. Friends and family start piling in, all attempting to say hello as Billy rapidly jolts the door open and shut with such force its hinges crack right off. “Just jokes, bro!” A small child goes flying.

Everyone now anxiously stands around the lounge room, realising all available seating is stacked away in the corner and covered with a grotty rug. A sign taped to it reads ‘sexy fort adventure’ – each letter elaborately Photoshopped from photos of Billy giving a thumbs up selfie. “I’m sure I don’t care who most of you are, but I’m glad everybody could make it” he proclaims. There’s a gasp, followed by disgruntled murmur.

“I’d like you all to meet my wife!” – The room falls silent. Billy smiles, dropping his pants. A cylindrical piece of rubber dangles between his legs. Ignoring the reactions, Billy calmly goes on to explain that her name is Passionate Wife. Passionate Wife McBillyface. “Has a nice RING to it, don’t you think?” Billy asks his grandmother, pelvic thrusting her shoulder. “RING! You get it?! Granny! Gran! Gran!” She’s in hysterics, completely missing the fact that Billy’s wedding ring is actually a cock ring.

“To the fort adventure!” He yells, skating chunks of jagged lasagna across the floor as everyone scrambles back outside.

Billy was arrested mere minutes later.

passionwife01This is Passionate Wife from Toy’s Heart. An onahole which attempts to simulate the ‘primitive sexual desire’ of a married woman. Oooohhh, wait, is this supposed to be someone else’s wife? Maybe bad timing with that whole Ashley Madison thing.

It’s quite a bland looking product to just look at. Not something you’d want to proudly display on your desk at work or whatever. Just a standard tube with a generic hole in the end. Could be a hole to anything, really. How mysterious! Uses Toy’s Heart’s Fresh Skin material though, which is very flexible and there’s no oily smell going on.

passionwife02 passionwife03But while it may not seem too exciting on the outside, that’s probably not what you’ll be rubbing your dick across. Inside Passionate Wife is a really… hmm, I guess the best way to describe it would be ‘meaty’? Sure. Meaty. There’s a very meaty design awaiting you in there. No really, check it out.

passioninsideThick strands which spiral down the tunnel, absolutely littered in really fucking thick nubs. Passionate Wife sticks with that idea and runs with it from start to finish, basically. There’s also a large bump at the end just to remind your dick it’s reached the goal. Back up and try again.

Once you slide in you’ll feel the nubs coarsely grinding the underside of your tip, only to snake around the shaft as you continue to push in. It’s a relatively strong amount of feedback, but lacking in tightness. There’s just not enough padding for that. Still, I enjoy just teasing my head at the onahole’s opening. Like, a lot!

I think if you’re looking for some aggressively predictable action, Passionate Wife will probably do the trick. There’s nothing completely overwhelming, but the onahole definitely isn’t something meant for a slow burn. Hard and fast, Zapp Brannigan style. Not just for maximum sensation, but this toy gets remarkably loud if you try to wank slowly. Something to keep in mind, maybe!

Oh yeah, pro tip: don’t use thick lube with this one. Also maaaaybe don’t split it open like the promo shot above.

Kinda did feel like Passionate Wife was still missing something though. Then I took another look at the box, and there it was. Passionate Wife needed some more… passionate wife on there. Really get into the fantasy zone, you know?

All you’ll need is a pair of scissors, sticky tape or something, and some music.

passionwife04 passionwife05 passionwife06Perfect – the illusion is complete. Now it’s really like I’m having sex with a cardboard girl sitting on top of an onahole. Plus the sticky tape makes this crazy tight, man. Can’t even get inside anymore!

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10 Responses to Passionate Wife – Guide to a passionate life

  1. Infernal Monkey says:

    Sorry. I lost what I’d originally written for this review, and started writing that bit about Billy McBillyface in the hope that it’d go somewhere. But it didn’t. Then I don’t know I hit the publish button, send Lassie!

  2. An A*mazing coincidence that a dick-shaped hole was left when cutting your cardboard waifu out.

  3. Anonymous says:

    Your blog is funny as fuck, you have gain yourself a avid follower.

  4. Anonymous says:

    That was the best intro to any review you or anyone has ever done for any product, ever.

  5. Neil says:

    Tremendous humour, another outstanding read!

  6. Anonymous says:

    Nice Post!!

  7. Anonymous says:

    how does this compare to a lilith spiral wave?

  8. Anonymous says:

    Laughed my ass off reading this the bought one lololol. I love your blog

  9. Blaze says:

    Cool review. I found your site through Reddit and think you’ve got some great material here.

    The interior definitely looks good and I’ll have to pick one of these up in the near future.

    Anyway, keep up the great work. Your blog is informative and hilarious.

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