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You’ve gotta hand it to Tenga. For a company that specialises in single-use masturbation cups, they definitely know how to keep their flagship product feeling fresh and exciting even after four hundred billion years of production. Until you shoot a load inside it, and you’re left with a brief moment of bliss mixed with panic. “Aaaahhh, oh shit. Should I… just chuck it in the bin like this?” you ask the wall, reassured by its inability to cast judgement as some rapidly cooling cum dribbles onto the floor.
Enter Hot Tenga (literally ahuuurrr), which is essentially a standard disposable Tenga hole but with a new self-heating function.
Introduced as a limited-time thing for the Winter season, there was a massive marketing push at launch. And sure, it is a pretty extravagant idea. The kind of thing you’d need to fuck in a fancy restaurant’s bathroom or something, you know?
Now, it’s not Winter here in the downunder-verse. It’s not Winter at all. Tenga initially warned that this onahole could reach 45ºC (115ºF) which is… fuck. When you’re soaked in pure 100% Summer death, that’s kinda not appealing in the slightest. Also because it’d likely burn your dick right off.
But with the fan on full blast and enough dandruff pouring down from the people in the apartment above, the sexy illusion was set. I could almost hear Santa jingling his bells up my arse. In late January. Fuck off, Santa.
So there we go, the ‘easy warming system’ takes four minutes to heat up. Four minutes might not sound like a lot, but consider this: you could make and hump two cups of instant noodles in that time. Beef AND chicken for a fraction of the price! That and personally I have the attention span of a cat made of bubbles. Probably doesn’t help.
How does it work, then? Oh it’s pretty simple despite this Da Vinci Code shit on the back.
Just peel off the end sticker (where you’ll be met with a warning to test the onahole’s temperature with your finger before your penis) and… ugh there are like three layers to get rid of here. I’m already flaccid.
Then you get to the steering wheel. Pull this part out and turn it clockwise. More like cockwise am I right. More lik- hey guys come back. Once you’ve done that, slam it back in. I just put it on the desk and clicked down.
Originally I wanted to do a video on this, but I’m really glad I couldn’t be bothered. The process isn’t interesting in the slightest. After a few seconds you can sort of hear a whirring noise to signify it’s doing a thing. Every now and then it’ll shake a little bit too. Pretty much like an N64 Rumble Pak on its last legs of battery life.
Once four minutes are up (I hope you were timing!) it’s finally time to have a wank.
Obviously trying to smash through hard plastic and steam machine Gaben-technology would be too much of a challenge for the average erection, so you simply unscrew this entire part.
Which leaves you with a significantly smaller looking onahole than before. But you do get an added candle looking thing to decorate the home.
Also an actual entry point! Doesn’t show up too well in this photo, but Hot Tenga is pre-lubed just like other Tenga holes. WELL lubed. I imagine the heat probably did magical melty things, but this felt like overkill. Oh well, better than being full of sand and broken glass I guess. You’ve gotta look at the positives.
As for the hot part of Hot Tenga… eh? I followed their advice by jamming a finger in before anything else, but it was really disappointing. I was expecting to see steam rising out and everything. Nup. More Slightly Warm Tenga than anything else.
Then after what felt like an eternity, I stuck my dick in there. Or at least I tried to.
The opening pretty much split apart as soon as I hit it, causing some half-melted rubber bubbles to inflate at random spots followed by terrifying gurgling noises as the air didn’t know where the fuck to go.
As I kept going though, things just got fairly… dull. Like, looking at that internal shot above, I didn’t feel any of that. Just a squishy mess of warmth. No texture or tightness. I could have been humping a cup full of pudding for all I know.
And I mean, it did the job and all (fantasizing about pudding will do that). But that’s it. You can’t reuse Hot Tenga, so there’s a one-shot toss for roughly $15.
Fun idea for sure, but the execution is underwhelming. You’re better off getting a USB warming stick to use on any onahole you want. Maybe that’s not particularly convenient on the go, but neither is waiting four whole minutes to masturbate with something that sounds like you’ve just summoned a foul beast from the depths of hell.
Just the top layer of hell – the one that isn’t very hot.