(Huge thanks to @StewReview for coming up with that headline!)
Hey, so. Have you ever wanted to fuck a frog? You know, just jam it right in there – whatever green hole you can possibly find. See if Slippy from Star Fox really lives up to his name or something. Maybe go against the age-old warning and stick your dick in crazy (frog). Y-yeah? Cool.
Then surely you’d think an onahole called Mero Mero Frog might shed some light on this forbidden Frogger fantasy. Produced by Toys Love (not to be confused with Toy’s Heart or any of the other 700,000 sex toy companies that have toy in their name), ‘mero mero’ is apparently a Japanese onomatopoeia of ‘falling down drunk’.
I got that shit from a One Piece wiki so it has to be legit.
And it’s fitting. Poor Mero Mero Frog’s gotten so shitfaced I think she turned into a slug. Can frogs even do that? Who knows. Maybe with enough dicks and drinks inside them that’s exactly what happens.
Onaholes are very educational.
Hey wait a second, this is just someone in a frog hoodie! Oh well. I was initially drawn to this product thanks to its internal promo shots coming across as so uh, well….
… Grotesque? Don’t get me wrong – just looking at that shiny mess of various grenade blast textures got me kinda excited – but Mero Mero Frog isn’t shy about already being a tad more fucked up than other onaholes. It’s like Toys Love threw every idea in there and hoped for the best.
Oh. Not sure I used ‘don’t get me wrong’ phrase correctly there.
If you like the box art, great! Inside you’ll find everything’s held into place by this neat little stand.
Basically pointless, yet it shows the company has some serious faith if they think anyone might display their cum-drenched dick sleeve on the shelf.
Let’s hop to it, then! Eheeeeeuuuggghhuurrrrr geddit, like a fro-
– ooooh. Oh no.
Jesus fuckin’ bucket of Christ.
Mero Mero Frog‘s disgusting visual design is amazing. I was serious about this being slug-like. All those warts and wrinkles, man. It feels exactly like you’d expect; whatever that is. In all seriousness though, the material is pretty good (especially considering the budget price) and it’ll definitely keep your fingers guessing.
At the peak of the onahole you’ll find two bulbous blobs on either side. Naturally my first reaction was be to press these in, only to realise they’re hollow. That’s okay, there’s a scientific reason for this.
See, the end chamber actually splits into two different paths. Weird tentacle suckers or shredded cabbage – who knows which one your dick will poke into next? Perhaps you’ll just crush up against the middle barrier instead, resulting in a weird preview session of both options. Whatever. Mero Mero Frog will always retain some element of mystery.
Getting inside this onahole is a joy; it starts off strong with heavy stimulation across your head. I know I’ve mentioned it countless times before, but this is a major bullet point for me.
Having chunky dots grip ‘n drag along the underside of my dick as soon as it’s in there is maximum thumbs up. It’s basically instant gratification for going above the bare minimum effort for masturbation.
I mean, you can’t get this sensation out of your hand without making some awkward compromises. Like gluing pieces of cereal on there.
Pushing in further, Mero Mero Frog delivers surprisingly tight feedback in a real silent, squishy kind of way. Depending on which direction your cock chooses there’s a lot happening in here at once. I can’t even begin to pinpoint any exact stimulation; everything tends to come together in a team effort.
It’s nice. Really nice. Perhaps the fact that you’re slamming into something that looks impossible helps? Never mind that most onaholes are essentially disembodied vagina or arse tubes – Mero Mero Frog seriously looks like you’re humping a snail. Nobody said you could do that, but here you are living the dream.
The two eyeball strand things at the base even quiver about in a disturbing fashion as you masturbate, occasionally getting stuck to the layer of lube coating your shaft only to stretch out and snap back into place. Fuck.
Sensation-wise, I love what Toys Love have done here. Everything. Your dick will snake through a random mish-mash of lumps ‘n bumps, but it all works in a real solid weighty-way.
Plus it took me a few wanks to realise, but I’d somehow developed a very particular masturbation pattern with Mero Mero Frog. A few quick strokes at first – followed by holding it just on the verge of popping off my glans for a few seconds – then slowly dragging back down. Crucial information for sure. Look out for my officially licensed strategy guide coming soon.
Can’t say I noticed much of a difference between either end zone, but I’m pretty sure having them there helps with some rather intense suction. Both tunnels are fighting for attention the only way they know how – by attempting to steal your soul through your urethra.
Speaking of which, watch out when cleaning Mero Mero Frog. A mix of cum and lube is going to end up in both tunnels every time, but the walls make it difficult to wash out. That shit gets trapped in the bumps and ridges pretty bad, so a bit more attention and care is needed than most handheld onaholes.
And by care I mean you’re going have to swirl your finger down there more frantically than usual.
Aside from a time-consuming cleaning process, I can’t think of anything against Mero Mero Frog. Nice mix of stimulation and the build quality is excellent for its price ($22 AUD/$17 USD/€15.50).
You’ve just gotta ask yourself if you really want to put your penis inside something that looks kinda like an aptly named ‘Banana Slug’:
There’s no wrong answer here.