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So this onahole, Anal und Vagina? Yeah, nah – it was discontinued months ago. Pretty much just a few weeks after it even launched, and that’s a bit impressive!
I’d understand if this were based on some flavour of the month anime series, but Tamatoys went with Anchovy from the eternal Girls und Panzer here. AND THEY CALLED IT ANAL UND VAGINA. The applause practically claps itself.
So what went wrong? Gosh, fucked if I know. I’m not a meteorologist.
But this was literally the only onahole I actually purchased during my trip to Japan last month, so there’s an emotional souvenir attachment aspect going on.
Sure my suitcase was filled with all sorts of nightmares on the way home (not sure exactly how I’ll review a cock pump by the way), but Anal und Vagina man. Gotta review it.
This all started with Nakano Broadway. Amazing little place, especially if you want to buy toys or retro games. Entire floors just filled with reasonably-priced figures that people have won from arcades, meaning you can just outright buy them and boast to your friends about how cool your claw machine skills are.
Might be a bit of dried sperm on ’em, but hey.
And if recent stuff is no good, that’s okay. Nakano Broadway is also filled with stores selling classic Western memorabilia; weird shit in general. It’s fascinating. You like Ronald McDonald?
… Oh, no.
But upon visiting the second level, I stumbled upon a sex toy shop. “Oh!” Not exactly unsurprising, although if it wasn’t for all the Tamatoys logos hanging by the entrance I probably would have missed it completely.
That and all the pink. And maybe the sex toys. It’s a mystery. The joint is called ‘Pure Colle’ and they’re either sponsored by Tamatoys or just really big fans. Whatever though – they were havin’ a sale!
First thing I walked into was a wall of smell fetish junk – 30% off – so naturally I grabbed everything I didn’t already have. This included stuff like an actual pair of pantyhose ‘scented’ like who knows what. Legs? Didn’t matter; lumped them all onto the counter.
The store clerk awoke from his eternal slumber. His face was hidden behind an eye-level curtain, but I could feel the disdain at some Australian cunt piling stuff on his desk without saying a word.
From there I moved onto other… things.
Ah, penis stockings. These were tempting, for those Winter nights you know? When you’re naked and cold, gyrating counterclockwise in front of an air vent thinking ‘boy, I sure wish I didn’t have to wear an entire article of clothing around my crotch just to cover my dick’.
This Insert Air Pillow cover though? Shit was like half price, how could I refuse? No regrets. N-… none at all.
As for their onahole selection, it mainly consisted of dusty looking budget stuff or insanely overpriced new releases to counter any potential savings. Oh well. I was happy with my stack of shame.
Heading back to the counter, the mystery man had already started putting rubber bands around everything I’d put up there. I’m not sure if this had some deeper purpose or what. The boxes didn’t even need rubber bands on them, but boy was he was going to town. I was witnessing the most intense cardboard bondage act ever.
Perhaps he just guilts customers who wake him up. It worked. I was now 100% confirmed to this purchase. And to his side just within grabby hands distance, there it was. A single copy of Tamatoys’ Anal und Vagina reduced from 2,100 yen to just 300 yen.
What the fuck was wrong with this onahole to warrant such a deep discount? Was it second hand like nearly everything else in Nakano Broadway? I had to know.
First up, wwwwwhhy would you put Anchovy in bloody school swimwear and not dedicate 140% of the cover to her rockin’ the white legwear? That’d be like, I dunno, a Nicolas Cage onahole without bees all over the box art. Ridicious.
I get that they wanted to show off camel toe, but it’s not like leggings would prevent an anime character’s vagina Pac-Man’ing the fuck out of everything.
Could have gone with something like this, Tamatoys.
Anyway, the Anal und Vagina name isn’t just a quick three-second joke, as the onahole literally gives you both holes in one. Literally, you guys. This onahole is lit-traaaaa-leeeeeeey destroying YouTu-
Look at this.
Wow there’s the vagina alright, in all its upside down glory. Then once you take a look at the other end of the onahole…
There it is! A remarkably puckered anus. So yeah, Vagina und Anal is one of those onaholes where the tunnel goes all the way through. Enter one hole and you’ll end up poking out the other, just like real life.
These sleeve designs are getting rare these days, and it’s really easy to understand why after you’ve shot a load out and it ends up all over the keyboard, emailing itself to your loved ones.
Or if you’ve been blessed by an orgasm which just sorta lazily dribbles out (thank you chronic masturbation) and done so mid-thrust. That’s it – then you’ll find yourself trapped in the dreaded NURSING A POOL OF CUM situation.
One wrong move and it all spills out.
This is how I must live my life now, forever stuck in this precarious position. Same as usual then.
But really, have some tissues handy.
Tamatoys’ image of the inner design is a tad confusing, as it implies the tunnel just ends right before the butt?
Depending on which hole you’ve entered, you’ll either be greeted by a big cluster of nubs or some twisty ribs. Cool.
The ribbing is dull as fuck, and this is only made worse by the onahole being stretched as it slides over your shaft. The bumpy butt is an improvement, but sadly the whole thing is seriously lacking in stimulation.
Since there’s no end you’ll also miss out on any sort of suction effect, unless you have an actual vacuum cleaner ready for your head the moment it pokes through. It’d be quite a story to tell while waiting in the emergency room.
And uh, yep. Vagina und Anal is an incredibly boring onahole. Nothing about either end screams ‘vagina’ or ‘anal’. You have to yell it yourself, and that’s no fun.
I will say that entering the arse feels surprisingly legit, but that’s like two seconds of pleasure as it expands around your glans. I got more time-related joy from thinking about what weird noise this onahole reminds me of during use. Pretty sure it’s close to what fucking a Slinky would sound like. Bad.
But I still don’t get how Vagina und Anal was seemingly such a gigantic flop for Tamatoys. Sure it’s pretty rubbish, but they’ve done so much worse with parody junk.
Maybe it was the swimsuit.
Anal und Vagina
+ You’ve got the choice of anal or vagina?
+ It’s easy to clean
+ Doesn’t smell like anchovies
– Telltale presents anal or vagina: the choice doesn’t matter as it’s the same dull tunnel anyway
– Very little stimulation
– Sounds awful as you wank