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It’s that time of the month again! Or… kinda close at least, since the April review should have been in late March, but I just got internet access back and didn’t particularly fancy writing this in a food court for the free Wi-Fi and free escort out of the shopping centre by security.
Then simply cross the I’s and dot the T’s – you’ve got yourself a flimsy excuse and an opening paragraph!
Here’s the April edition of J-List’s monthly Adult Box.
Let’s see what we’ve got here…
Ah excellent, a whole heap of tissues. You can never have enough of those when you’re blowing a load, am I right? Sneezin’ all over the place. Get that cold under control.
Gotta say, I do like that they’ve been including a different magazine title every month. It’s easy to forget porn mags are still very much alive in Japan. Scientists probably predict that by the year 1993, every tree on Earth will be turned into a slightly grainy pair of printed tits.
This one is Lesbian Kiss, which might be code for the contents within.
It’s not bad, but I dunno. I feel like even if the internet went down forever tomorrow due to too many Wikipedia editors simultaneously reverting changes on important articles about pudding or whatever – overloading every server in the world – I probably still wouldn’t wank it to a magazine anymore.
Especially since it comes with a DVD anyway.
Four hours of face-suckin’ lesbian goodness.
Wait, sorry. I meant foot-suckin’. The DVD covers a wide variety of antics; even ‘mature housewives who look deeply concerned about everything all the time’. That’s a good niche.
The video quality is a bit shit and some of the scenes just seem to end at random, but it’s a demo disc bundled with a magazine so yeah, kinda expected.
Next up is Mr. Helpman. MR. HELPMAN IS HERE. What… what the hell is a Mr. Helpman?
He’s this, apparently.
A ‘cock enhancer’. Essential Bowser cosplay material to really wart-up your dick.
Um, I’m sure someone out there would probably find this handy. Though surely it’d just feel awkward for everyone involved? Like, imagine wearing this on top of a condom. And considering their size, are you supposed to stack both of them on your dick? Just the tip? The questions, man.
I suppose you could flip them inside out and use ’em like really sad onaholes, but really, there’s only one possible situation for Mr. Helpman.
CAT, LOOK. DO YOU WANT A BRUSH?
A BRUSH FROM MR. HELPMAN?
“Nyaaww fuck off cunt”
Moving on to the main event, we’ve got Tamatoys’ The Different World Begun with a Housemaid Sister.
An obvious parody of 2016’s megaton time loop anime series Re:Zero starring Bill Murray-chan, this onahole only just launched a few weeks ago. Again, I’m legitimately impressed by J-List including super recent rubber wank blobs in all these Adult Boxes.
The Different World Begun with a Housemaid Sister offers two holes in one – Rem and Ram.
It’s a fun idea and it kinda looks like an ice cream. What more do you want? Welp.
The two holes are made of completely different material, with Rem (blue hair mascot wife) being stupid hard and Ram (who?) being stupid soft. There’s really no in-between here, and it honestly makes switching between the two holes fairly unattractive.
I mean, rough initial impressions and all, but I had absolutely no desire to even bother with the softer hole. It seems like it’d break pretty easy. The hard hole felt alright, although trying to hold the entire onahole felt crazy awkward.
Pretty much lives up to the Tamatoys brand, then. ゜▽゜
But then there’s this lube from Tamatoys. Seemingly a character parody from Fate/kaleid? I have absolutely no clue about the whole Fate/ franchise (sorry!) but this stuff is good. I’ve always enjoyed Tamatoys’ lube and this is no exception. In fact I’m PRETTY SURE I’ve typed that exact sentence before.
Nice texture, you only need a bit… and it glitters.
I don’t think I’ve ever featured my mincemeat-pink hands so much in a review for anything before. I tried taking a photo of the lube in an onahole for effect, but as we all know, I can’t take photos for shit. Shows up well enough on skin!
Hey a Tenga egg. This one’s a ‘Thunder’ type, good for impressing ‘Professor Oak’. I think I have enough of these now for a prize bundle? I could mail them in an actual egg carton, it’d be funny for exactly half a second. Stay tuned!
Finally, we’ve got two DVDs.
There’s the ‘SOSORU x GARSON’ collection on the left – a three-disc set containing the best of 2016 as told by porn – and Lesbian Orgasm on the right. Both region free.
I was later disappointed to find that Lesbian Orgasm is actually a randomly selected title in the April Adult Box. Not everyone will get this one, and that’s a fucking shame. Perhaps it’s the fact I didn’t have the chance to properly wank in like four weeks, but this DVD got me so hard I felt like my body was training for the eventual onset of rigamortis.
Like… shit. It focuses on the same two girls for the entire disc, and they get increasingly aggressive in each setting. I didn’t even know I was into HYPER SALIVA play, but here we are.
Of course – just like everything in life – it quickly descends into choking and scratching. Gets pretty serious, by the end they’re straight up shredding their nails into skin. RIP family-friendly-spit-swapping-in-vagina. The DVD ID is ‘HODV-21120’, by the way~
SOSORU x GARSON on the other hand is a pretty generic collection of vanilla sex scenes.
I’ve only skimmed through the first disc so far, but it already had some gold. Like the worst fucking fake tan I’ve ever seen.
Look at that, it’s art – the tan equivalent of how I wrap presents.
Personal opinions and all, but I think J-List would be way better off including a solid (focused) porn DVD in these Adult Boxes rather than the usual multi-disc sets they’ve been going with. Maybe even pick a specific theme for each month or something?
Just imagine ‘Futa February’… ‘Masochist March’, ‘April O’Neil April’. The year practically writes itself.
Like always, if this looks like something you’d be interested in, you can grab the J-List Adult Box here or by clicking the image below. Using the coupon code MOE-Q30-JP6VAK will also save you 5% on any J-List order.