Review: Brain Hacker DX

Product: Brain Hacker DX
Manufacturer: XTC Japan
Measurements: length – 18cm, weight – 1.2kg / 2.6lbs
Retailers: MotsuToys* (EU) / Onahole.com* (US)

– This product was provided by MotsuToys and Onahole.com for masturbation review purposes
– Retailers marked with * are affiliate links

Oh man, what the hell? How’d I get here? Must have been hittin’ the piss pretty hard tonight, I guess. Can’t remember a damn thing.

Tell you what though, I’ve never been so irrationally angry at a light source in my life. Could humanity possibly invent a brighter burn of blinding agony at this exact moment? My head is fucking throbbing.

Well, at least the lights aren’t quite as bad the further I stumble down this bridge. My eyes still feel like they’re rapidly vibrating around in their sockets. It’s like I’m seeing someone’s face for a split-second, hovering around in weird spots. Blinking makes it go away.

Fine.

I’ll just keep blinking like a maniac; whatever. That’ll probably seem normal if anyone else passes by as I awkwardly stagger-strafe either side like I’m trying to hold an imaginary key down.

I don’t remember this bridge being so long though. Sure could go for a kebab right about now…

Well shit, now we’ve gone from one extreme to the other. This footpath on the other side of the bridge is usually lit by nearby street lamps to prevent Uber Eats drivers on their sick-ass nuclear battery-powered tricycles from obliterating pedestrians. Now it just leads to a clear boundary of darkness.

Guess we’ll chuck the ol’ mobile phone flashlight on.

Whoa, could it be? My phone’s flashlight function is about as strong as a cabbage?! Also is that…

Holy shit, yes! It’s a copy of Russell Grant’s Astrology on Nintendo DS (THE NINTENDO DS FAMILY OF SYSTEMS). What are the odds? Who would just leave a perfectly good copy of Russell Grant’s Astrology out here?

Russell Grant’s Astrology.

Geez, it’s got the manual and everything. This is worth like a solid ten cents at EB Games. My luck is finally turning around, huh?

Despite the back of my head still pulsing like a microwave meal which didn’t have enough cautionary holes poked through its plastic wrap, I can’t help but wonder if anyone left any funny notes in the manual.

Like, I’m pretty sure Deep Silver included a few pages just in case the small handful of people who bought this back in the day needed to write down any words of wisdom or regret.

That’s all I can think about though.

I don’t know where I am.

Haha, oh. ‘Free your mind’? Come on now. Bit gay.

My eyes vibrate again. They feel heavy – like they’re going to unplug entirely. My skull is way too lopsided for my spine. I try to keep it balanced in case something breaks off backwards. Should I blow my nose? Is that dangerous? There’s too much pressure.

I shove the game in my backpack as the only positive reminder of tonight. I want to go home. Wherever that is.

Russell Grant’s Astrology.

Bro, really now. What the fuck. How’d I get here? Didn’t I just cross a bridge like a second ago? Where even am I? The storage shed for the stupid crusty-ass leaf factory or something?

Hell no. I’m no astrologist or bus driver, but I don’t think two copies of this should exist so close together.

Not this again. What’s next, hyper realistic blood?

…

Wait, fuck, who’s there?!

Ugh, my head… it feels like it’s going to explode…

“BOO! ASTROLOGY“

Sharp ringing rips through my ears, but it’s different to the usual tinnitus which ensures I get exactly three minutes of sleep each night. This is different. A burning sensation. I see sixteen years worth of Russell Grant’s Astrology memories flash through my mind in an instant.

From its 2009 launch to the present day. Rot. It sits on store shelves, rotting. Layers upon layers of discount price stickers pile up. Russell’s jolly face is slowly covered in desperation. Ignored.

He just wanted to tell people what their lucky numbers for the day were as they confusingly tapped a touch screen in search of gameplay.

I try to remind him of better times. He wasn’t always doomed to decay in bargain bins.

It’s no good.

Russell Grant’s Astrology.

There’s a sudden cracking noise from the inside out. My vision fades.

Silence.

I wake up on the cold, hard floor in my underwear. Dimly lit by crimson red; as if a cheap novelty LED display was shoved pretty much right up my arse for some kind of lighting effect which probably could have been achieved in MS Paint instead.

The pressure inside my skull has finally eased, but my head is still searing with pain.

Yep, definitely had one too many drinks last night.

What the fuck was that dream even about? I can’t remember.

Groaning, I get up and flick on a nearby light switch. Squinting into the abyss of my reflection, I rub the back of my head. It’s a weird sensation, as if flaps of wet skin are dangling down my neck.

The back of my eyes feel cold.

Oh. Delicious.

I turn back to where I’d just gotten up upon hearing a… a uh, what do you call it. Russell… ing noise? I’ve forgotten the word I was looking for.

I feel like I should know what this is, but I don’t. The memories of last night’s dream have already faded. What was I just doing a second ago?

Oh well. I’m sure it’ll come to me as soon as I remember my name.

Is that… supposed to be there?

“LET ME TELL YOU YOUR FREE DAILY HORRORSCOPE”

…

– Unboxing / Presentation –

So this is Brain Hacker DX from XTC Japan, who are now somehow only the second big brain company to take a crack at the concept of fucking with someone’s mind.

Tamatoys originally introduced a brain onahole – the Puru Puru Brain Fucker – back in 2019 back when they were still releasing anything (ear canal onaholes, toilet onaholes etc.) purely for retail shock value. It ended up being a decent hit for them at launch despite reviews being pretty poor.

The main complaint seemed to revolve around the tunnel running too close to the thin underside and not feeling like anything. It vanished fairly quick, only to be revived as a more dumbed-down miniature version two whole years later (which was also shit).

But I have a bit more faith in what XTC Japan could do here, surely.

The box is filled with all sorts of fun character art of the girl you’ve seemingly linked to spiritually in the cosmic realm, where she allows you to fuck… her brain of all things. Sure. Good.

But hey, just like that bread onahole from the other week, I’m kinda amazed at how absurdly SOLID the actual box is. Top-tier cardboard delight. It’s great.

XTC Japan is another brand exclusive to MotsuToys/Onahole.com, so I wonder if they’ve made it a thing recently where their stuff needs to ship in boxes sturdy enough to stop an elephant rolling down a hill.

That would be a good advert. For anything.

The inside of the box has ol’ Drooly McBigTits on full glossy display, which is more nice attention to detail. Not quite sure about that whole ‘this will be the poster’ thing though. Was there… meant to be a poster included?

I suppose you could rip the box apart and slap it on your wall or someone else’s if you really wanted to.

Visually it’s a well designed onahole (you’d sure hope so) which feels super soft and squishy in your hand. Absolutely no smell or greasy feel to the material out of the box either, which is already a vast improvement over Tamatoys’ original effort. That thing was wet enough to potentially send border security into lockdown.

Overall the Brain Hacker DX comes in at 1.2kg – a tiny bit lighter than Tamatoys’ version – but honestly I think even that is a bit much for something this soft. We’ll get in that more later (penis style).

It’ll wobble around like jelly if you slap the top of it whilst proclaiming how much cum can fit in it though, so that’s the important part.

Oh yeah, the entry point can also be hidden very easily. Just you know, throwing that out there in case you don’t want friends and family to know the mysterious rubber brain which smells like lube, ball sweat and cum in your closest is actually a sex toy.

– Feeling –

Getting into Brain Hacker DX is a bit of a non-event really. That hole will easily melt over your head as it pushes right on though and you’re just sorta… up in there. There’s no real sensation of penetrating anything at all.

I mean, not that I really have any concept of what it feels like to fuck an actual brain (what a cool combination of words to write on the internet), but this is one of the least satisfying entry points I haven’t felt in a long time.

Things don’t exactly improve after your first few awkward thrusts, either. Turns out Brain Hacker DX is a very slow burn. Give it a little while and you’ll start to experience the tunnel clamping down across your shaft, doing its best to keep yanking you towards the end zone.

Then right as you start remembering why your cock is even still erect, the suction gets harder. And harder.

This thing will eventually latch on like a second layer of patented shaft-skin. Keeps the base of your cock absolutely locked in, yet remains easy to glide through. You won’t be accidentally popping out of this thing mid-wank no matter how roughly you’re going at it.

Hell, a few times after cumming I’ve needed to hook my thumb into the entry point to release some of that trapped air so I could escape.

Whoever’s brain this is/was definitely worked at a vacuum cleaner company.

That said, it’s very difficult to really pinpoint any variety in the stimulation. At best the entire tunnel feels like minor ribbing to me. Looking at the cleverly-checkpointed hallway simulator above, it’s clear XTC Japan genuinely have attempted a fair bit in there, but nothing really hits.

The problem is Brain Hacker DX’s overall material is simply too soft and jiggly to really do any of those textures justice. Once you’re wanking away at a steady pace everything simply blends together into complete mush.

So while the suction and grip are pretty intense, I often found myself going at it for waaaaay too long inside this thing every time. Pumping a squishy 1.2kg unit of blob as it slowly sinks between your fingers from its sheer dead weight just gets… boring after a while.

Not a particularly fun way to blow-a-load™.

– Cleaning –

As long as you don’t get any tomato sauc- uh, TOTALLY REAL BLOOD on it, you’ll be fine. Who knew that stuff would stain so bad? But yeah, nah. Brain Hacker DX is very simple to clean. The outside dries off almost instantly despite all those brain… folds? Actually I just looked that up mid-sentence. They’re called gyri. Neat. Gyros… kebabs…

The inner tunnel might trap a bit of moisture if you’re not careful though (just because of how soft everything is). Get in there good with a microfibre cloth.

No issues though hey. Durability seems perfectly fine.

– Summary –

Brain Hacker DX definitely looks the part with its size and weight (had to look this up too, an average human brain is like 1.3kg? Wow, words). For me at least, the soft material which gives it that cool wobbly brain-damaged jiggle unfortunately just works against the tunnel design completely.

There’s barely any feedback from the various textures which are supposed to be grinding into your shaft. A lot of the time it barely feels like anything. But hey, the grip and suction is solid enough to eventually force out a bit of a primal grunt!

If you’re after a handheld onahole on the heavier side of things with minimal stimulation (or just really want to see a brain slappin’ down on your cock of course), you’ll proooobably enjoy this much more.

– Brain Hacker DX – 

+ Great visual detail
+ Flexible, easy-going material
+ Super quiet
+ Strong grip and suction to the tunnel keeps you locked in

– Entry point is not satisfying at all
– Very difficult to get a sense of any texture-work inside, kinda just feels like mush
– Brain’s soft material can sink between your fingers over time

 

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This review product was provided by MotsuToys and Onahole.com. Thanks again!