TEN YEARS?!

In a somewhat gloriously tragic moment back in December 2013, I shot a load inside a cheapo Monster Hunter parody onahole and thought it’d be funny to write a stupid joke review of it for an audience of maybe like five people on Facebook.

Except it probably wouldn’t have been appropriate just whackin’ a sex toy review on Facebook (not without causing a space-time rift with relatives and also Mark Zuckerberg threating to come smoke my meat and/or account).

That’s fine though, I’d just purchased this domain with the full intention of reviewing video games. I’d previously spent a few years contributing to a local Aussie gaming site which burst into flames one day, so it kinda made sense to just start my own blog. Nothing was on here; the onahole review would be a good way to get used to WordPress, yeah?

I’d leave the onahole review up for a few days maybe and then delete it. R-right?

The onahole review never left.

TEN YEARS LATER I’M STILL REVIEWING ONAHOLES.

Man, what the fuck lmao.

I originally thrust myself into this sperm-soaked world of rubber anime vaginas just a few months prior while visiting Japan with a few mates. We were havin’ a laugh in the gigantic Love Merci store (because as you can sorta see above, it was pretty much the only joint open in Akihabara by the time we got there late one night).

But you can’t visit a huge fuckin’ tower of novelty wank toys then not buy one, it’d be rude. And so I purchased my first ever onahole – and sex toy in general – some uh… huge wobbly K-On! themed beast.

There’s even a video where we’d all gathered round in a hotel room as I was drunkenly unboxing it. A Japanese tradition, you see. Not gonna upload it here for obvious reasons (I was putting on a weird posh British accent the entire time), but this is all where it started.

Yui’s world-famous big black melted down off-road tire vagina. I remember trying it in the cramped bathroom that night and kinda not really thinking much of it honestly. The insides were cold as hell and I ended up just jackin’ in the shower to finish up. Didn’t even bother bringing it back home because it took up too much precious suitcase space.

Some poor hotel staff member found a horrendous surprise floppin’ in the bin one day.

2013 was a good year because you could slap a retro leopard print sleeve on a shithouse budget onahole and bam, furry themed. No competition.

YET SOMEHOW, the obsession began. So towards the end of 2013 I started looking at how to even import onaholes to Australia. Not many options existed and English-language coverage in general was kinda rare, with just the excellent Onahole.eu kicking around (initially a solo project by the lovely Akai, who helped me out a fair bit starting off).

Pretty sure Rubber Rod’s Onahole Review too was around back then too, but unfortunately a lot of that blog’s early content was completely gutted at some point. That or my brain is just failing. Either way the site’s been inactive for years now, so RIP.

But yeah, I ordered a few cheap onaholes through NLS (a Japanese retailer which has long since abandoned international shipping) and figured it’d be fun to write about ’em?

 

Also film the occasional disaster like Magic Face.

Never in a million years would I have expected to be reviewing… myself masturbating, basically. To the point where I’ve stopped mid-wank countless times to awkwardly take notes. “THIS PART FELT GOOD”, “THIS PART CRUSHED MY PENIS BUT ALSO FELT GOOD”, “THERE IS NOW PRE-CUM AND LUBE IN MY KEYBOARD”. Fantastic.

The blog would gradually start gaining some attention, but around August-ish 2014 it got a huge boost thanks to a Something Awful article, followed by the unexpected development of a Japanese onahole company reaching out.

Toy’s Heart would begin sending review products in late 2014, and even offered to feature my blog in an onahole manga series given away at J-List’s Anime Expo booth. I still have a gigantic pile of these things sitting around by the way. They no joke sent me like a hundred copies of each one and they’re all absolutely vital.

I felt a bit bad at first, as I wasn’t entirely sure if Toy’s Heart knew my reviews would sometimes dump on their products, or when I’d go into chaotic off-topic rants that had nothing to do with anything. Like in that Onaholes Paradise 2 manga above, they had a QR code linking to my review of Puni Pet which I thought was a pretty shit onahole.

A review that even ended with me putting a leash on it and dragging it through a park.

Was there a language barrier thing going on? Were they even looking at my reviews?!

Turns out the answer was yes and yes, I think. They apparently loved ’em, and this all culminated in being invited to their head office in 2016. Still can’t believe that even happened honestly, just some insane stuff.

Do not leave me alone in this room.

I’ll never forget the look of confusion when we exchanged business cards and I gave them this thing:

(This is the only photo I could find of the business card at the moment looool)

Despite the ‘professional onahole reviewer’ tag, I’ve never wanted anything on here to be too serious. I’ve always tried to make these reviews fun to read, and it probably helps that the industry itself is completely unhinged.

Onaholes that look like ice cream cones, toilets, grenades, PSP handhelds, brains – you can’t even guess some of the random stupid shit that comes out. Just this month Tamatoys released an onahole that looks like a pot filled with spiders and bugs, man. Why.

(I’ve ordered one, don’t worry).

A Rareware production.

Thank you very much for tagging along during my dick-descent into madness over the years. You’ve all been very kind, and I hope I’ve made you laugh, helped out with like actual proper info or even uuuhhh made you cum, I guess?

I’m flattered you enjoy the wank videos so much. Apologies they don’t appear in every review, but I still get kinda anxious about filming myself masturbating for whatever reason. Took years to even work up the courage to post a single photo of my dick, then several more before the videos started. Progress!

Really need to put all of the vids together in one place at some point. Maybe that’ll be a 2024 thing.

Anyway thanks again everyone! Been a hell of a decade. Can’t exactly promise another ten years of this (grandpas gone WILD edition), but I still love writing about these dumb things. And masturbating hey. I’ll keep going until my penis falls off. One day…

Also finally, I’d like to thank the team over at MotsuToys. They’ve supported the blog pretty much this entire time – sending countless onaholes over the years – and they’re the only company who still regularly send review products to this day. Living in Australia means importing onaholes from anywhere basically costs fifty billion dollars a pop, so I’m eternally grateful to them.

MUCH LOVE.

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